Page 23 | To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

IsoBordem · 2020-08-09T08:06:26+00:00

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits. Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice. I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 17:33

Who are you trying to belittle? ‘Spectacularly hard of thinking‘...... because they don’t share your view.

Well you’re still missing the point, so if the shoe fits...

You’ve no idea what I’ve been through, why I feel the way I do.

I’ve only given birth twice, with only gas and air (not through choice) but yeah.... no idea what’s it like

I didn’t say you’ve no idea what birth is like. In fact, I didn’t say anything to you specifically.

I said that for some who’ve experienced sexual assault / rape, birth is a particularly terrifying prospect and triggers many of the same emotions and fears that you experienced with the assault. If you think about it for more than a few seconds it should be easy to understand why that is. I’m sure it’s not true for all survivors of sexual abuse, but for many it is the case.

I said that those who don’t feel this way about birth are fortunate and some clearly don’t understand what that’s like.

Besides all that, respecting someone’s bodily autonomy and consent doesn’t have caveats.

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 17:34

If it was unreasonable then no need for the doctor to ask either.

Worse in a way for him to ask, her to say no, both men to hear that and ignore it.

Might be good if women had more sensible expectations around what they can and can't say no to when asked by men. Then the men would not need to bother asking as a yes it's automatic.

Clearer all round for everyone.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 17:34

@lljkk

In that situation, Your request was completely unreasonable IMHO.

Why?

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 17:35

That was in response to lljkk.

bruffin · 09/08/2020 17:39

Wateroffaducksback
It put a lot of perspective on what happened to me, which was in answer to another poster asking if birth experience mattered.
What ever you decide about the birth you want , it all goes to pot when you have a life threatening condition .

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/08/2020 17:39

OP
You can have a birth debrief with a specialised MW. This sounds like it is about so much more than just your partner.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 17:45

@Trashtara

I completely agree that the use of the rape analogy, is offensive to use as a comparison. It’s not the same

Actually it took an awful lot of counselling for me to come to terms with the fact my delivery was much like my rape. The sensation was the same, my feelings of helplessness, unable to do anything to stop it. Having a man force things in to me against my will and without my consent. It was scarily very similar.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t say I’ve experienced it (thankfully.)

I can however relate to the scary feeling of everything being out of your (my) control during labour. The helpless feeling. I personally thought I was going to die (baby was struggling etc) I think it’s quite a common feeling during labour. It’s not pleasant at all.

However I don’t think that a woman saying no to sex and then getting raped is the same as her saying no to DP having a look at their baby being born, when she’s said no.

He shouldn’t have if they’d agreed he wouldn’t, but raping someone is a crime and you would go to prison potentially.

It’s not a crime to look the wrong end when your baby is born..... so it’s really not at all the same

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 17:47

However I don’t think that a woman saying no to sex and then getting raped is the same as her saying no to DP having a look at their baby being born, when she’s said no

It's the same in the sense that someone has said no and that should be respected.

It may not be the same in terms of severity but it is the same in terms of consent. No means no in both scenarios.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 17:48

@SinkGirl

Who are you trying to belittle? ‘Spectacularly hard of thinking‘...... because they don’t share your view.

Well you’re still missing the point, so if the shoe fits...

You’ve no idea what I’ve been through, why I feel the way I do.

I’ve only given birth twice, with only gas and air (not through choice) but yeah.... no idea what’s it like

I didn’t say you’ve no idea what birth is like. In fact, I didn’t say anything to you specifically.

I said that for some who’ve experienced sexual assault / rape, birth is a particularly terrifying prospect and triggers many of the same emotions and fears that you experienced with the assault. If you think about it for more than a few seconds it should be easy to understand why that is. I’m sure it’s not true for all survivors of sexual abuse, but for many it is the case.

I said that those who don’t feel this way about birth are fortunate and some clearly don’t understand what that’s like.

Besides all that, respecting someone’s bodily autonomy and consent doesn’t have caveats.

So you’re talking about expecting people to understand experiences that most women haven’t experienced...... that makes sense

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 17:53

@FrootTheLoot

However I don’t think that a woman saying no to sex and then getting raped is the same as her saying no to DP having a look at their baby being born, when she’s said no

It's the same in the sense that someone has said no and that should be respected.

It may not be the same in terms of severity but it is the same in terms of consent. No means no in both scenarios.

But that’s between them. He’s not going to go to court and be prosecuted for looking under the circumstances.

He shouldn’t have if he’d said he wouldn’t

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 17:56

But that’s between them. He’s not going to go to court and be prosecuted for looking under the circumstances.

Ah so your threshold for when no means no and taken as such is whether it's legal or not.

At least you responded unlike other posters.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 17:58

Well no, obviously in the criminal sense it's different however it's still a woman's boundaries and consent being completely disregarded.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 17:58

But that’s between them. He’s not going to go to court and be prosecuted for looking under the circumstances.

Neither are 98% of reported rapists.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 17:58

What ever you decide about the birth you want , it all goes to pot when you have a life threatening condition

that's very true, and something I was just thinking about - at what point do we say "no you're not to do that!" if it's a life threatening situation?
Do we still say "no looking", what if you were at home, your husband/partner was there and had to suddenly deliver due to coming quick - you'd miss anything life threatening such as misplaced cord etc.
Sometimes you have to look, how would people deal with that?
So hard but completely agree it should be your choice until the choice isn't there anymore and lives are threatened.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 18:00

So you’re talking about expecting people to understand experiences that most women haven’t experienced...... that makes sense

You don't have to have experienced something to understand it could cause someone who has trauma. Infact you don't even have to understand it, just respect their feelings and wishes when it comes to their own body.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 18:01

Do we still say "no looking", what if you were at home, your husband/partner was there and had to suddenly deliver due to coming quick - you'd miss anything life threatening such as misplaced cord etc

What's the point of what ifs?

OP wasn't at home, she was in hospital and the people who needed to look, were doing so.

Her husband didn't have to look.

You could go on all day about what ifs but it isn't what happened so is irrelevant.

Incrediblytired · 09/08/2020 18:01

I wholly understand.

I told my husband not to look and he didn’t. I would have been jolly cross if he did. I also had a crappy induced forceps birth, in theatre about to have a c section and tore my sphincter. I also pushed out loads of massive piles. For me, I want to retain a level of sexiness even as a mother and all of that would be ruined if he looked at that horror story.

People a different and you are not being unreasonable OP. You probably need to talk it through with DH though as you do need to move on.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 18:03

that's very true, and something I was just thinking about - at what point do we say "no you're not to do that!" if it's a life threatening situation?
Do we still say "no looking", what if you were at home, your husband/partner was there and had to suddenly deliver due to coming quick - you'd miss anything life threatening such as misplaced cord etc.
Sometimes you have to look, how would people deal with that?
So hard but completely agree it should be your choice until the choice isn't there anymore and lives are threatened.

But that's not what happened here so it's completely irrelevant.

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 18:03

So hard but completely agree it should be your choice until the choice isn't there anymore and lives are threatened.

What bit of that applies to him looking?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 18:04

At least the whatsbouttery is becoming more creative.

Oh,I know!

What if OP was kidnapped and the only way the kidnappers would let her free was if her husband would watch her give birth?

Can he look then?

FFS

bruffin · 09/08/2020 18:05

Do we still say "no looking", what if you were at home, your husband/partner was there and had to suddenly deliver due to coming quick
Happened to my sister. Her DH delivered my niece in the days before mobiles and no home phone. im sure she wasnt shouting dont look as he delivered the baby.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 18:05

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

But that’s between them. He’s not going to go to court and be prosecuted for looking under the circumstances.

Ah so your threshold for when no means no and taken as such is whether it's legal or not.

At least you responded unlike other posters.

Well of course. That’s the staring point to decide.

I’m not saying it’s right that he looked. If he said he wasn’t going to and OP felt more comfortable then he was a bit of a dick to do so.

But it’s nothing like the comparison to rape.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 18:06

Do we still say "no looking", what if you were at home, your husband/partner was there and had to suddenly deliver due to coming quick - you'd miss anything life threatening such as misplaced cord etc.
Sometimes you have to look, how would people deal with that?

Umm, ask? “Honey I know you said no looking when you’re in labour but we’re at home alone and the 999 call handler needs me to check what’s happening, can I look?”

I mean she can still say no, it’s still her choice. I don’t know many women who would say no under those specific circumstances. But that’s not what the OP is talking about, is it?

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 18:06

@Smallsteps88

But that’s between them. He’s not going to go to court and be prosecuted for looking under the circumstances.

Neither are 98% of reported rapists.

But that’s nothing to do with this thread. I’m sure that’s a fact albeit irrelevant to this

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 18:06

So hard but completely agree it should be your choice until the choice isn't there anymore and lives are threatened

What bit of that applies to him looking?

Try reading my post? I even gave an example - the cord.

Oh and wasn't meant to be whataboutery, apologies if it came across that way - I was just wondering how far we were to take you're not allowed to look if I say you're not.
Just that sometimes you'd have to let them look in some circumstances.