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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 15:42

What really bothers me about a lot of the comments is that they make it obvious that "No means No" is just a soundbite rather than an universal fact.

No means no ...unless ...cue various circumstances, mostly involving a man's wishes and feelings.

No means no unless it doesn't meet a completely arbitrary and subjective threshold of "worthiness". Otherwise you're just being silly and your boundaries should be trampled on because they were silly to begin with.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 15:44

@SinkGirl

I completely agree that the use of the rape analogy, is offensive to use as a comparison. It’s not the same

Some people are spectacularly hard of thinking.

The point is that the majority of women understand the importance of consent in sexual situations. Why is it not important in a medical / childbirth situation?

And for some women who have experienced rape and sexual assault, childbirth triggers a lot of the emotions of those experiences. It cannot be easily separated. There are many parallels, particularly where HCPs are not getting consent for examinations and other interventions, where there’s several people touching and looking at you in a very vulnerable position while you’re scared and in pain. You’re fortunate if you do not understand this.

Who are you trying to belittle? ‘Spectacularly hard of thinking‘...... because they don’t share your view.

You’ve no idea what I’ve been through, why I feel the way I do.

I’ve only given birth twice, with only gas and air (not through choice) but yeah.... no idea what’s it like

ExchangedCat · 09/08/2020 15:44

@Deathgrip

I don’t think some people here understand the impact of being listened to and having your wishes respected during a birth. A birth with exactly the same trajectory and events can feel more or less traumatic based on how a woman is treated by those in the room. Asking for consent is a basic thing that should happen at every stage. Ignoring a lack of consent is unacceptable. There’s really nothing else to say. I am staggered that so many women think this is okay.

This.

Being listened to and consent being respected - two things which would have stopped me being traumatised during the birth of DC1.

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, please ask for a debrief.

Everyone who hears this story should be able to understand the OPs distress that she said NO and it was ignored. If you can't understand that, then you are part of the problem with the continuing poor treatment of women in our society.

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 15:44

Sorry CrowdedHouse my post was meant for GoldenOmber

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 15:51

There's a huge difference between a husband seeing their wife's vagina during an intimate encounter, and seeing it stretched to the extreme while you're in excruciating pain.

Ah so it’s all about vanity then? I got ya now.

TheChristmasPrincess · 09/08/2020 15:54

Urgh the exact same thing happened to me. A couple of months later I asked him why he did it when I asked him not to. He said "I don't know why I did it" his go-to phrase 🙄 He then eventually said the midwife asked if he wanted to look so just decided to go along with it. At the time he didn't think it was going against my wishes he just thought it was a beautiful moment that he wanted to witness.

Whilst I can't argue against that, it still felt like a betrayal of trust and told him that it made me respect him less as a person.

You are not being unreasonable and I hope you have a similar conversation with your partner so he understands how he belittled your decision and invaded what little privacy you had during a very vulnerable time.

YesINameChangeEveryDay · 09/08/2020 15:54

@Angelina82 you're really making yourself look like a dick btw

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 15:56

@Angelina82

There's a huge difference between a husband seeing their wife's vagina during an intimate encounter, and seeing it stretched to the extreme while you're in excruciating pain.

Ah so it’s all about vanity then? I got ya now.

So at which point does a woman's body become her own and her boundaries should be upheld?

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 15:57

@Angelina82 you're really making yourself look like a dick btw

And resorting to name calling isn’t dickish at all

GoldenOmber · 09/08/2020 16:01

I'm guessing she gets to have boundaries only after she's checked thoroughly that no man will feel put out by them, ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble. How vain and precious and selfish of a woman not to put her husband's feelings before her own when she was pushing out a back-to-back baby with a failed epidural!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 16:03

Ah so it’s all about vanity then? I got ya now.

Wow, that's a completely fucked up attitude to have!

apric0t · 09/08/2020 16:03

I may be cross posting but you don't have to consent to vaginal exams at all during your labour if you don't want, they are one way to gauge how far along you are but it's totally your right to decline them.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience xx

ScrapThatThen · 09/08/2020 16:04

I think it would actually help you process and move on with your birth experience if you contacted PALS and talked about your experience, maybe ask for an opportunity to talk to the service manager. Or write and tell them, and also write your partner a letter explaining how you felt at that time. But I think there is a risk your sense of powerlessness at the time leads to you overfocusing on him rather than the professionals who also should have done better. Good luck with it.

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 16:05

So at which point does a woman's body become her own and her boundaries should be upheld?

Look if op’s husband had meekly agreed to miss out on the amazing experience of seeing his child come into the world he should really have stuck to that-I can only imagine he didn’t because the poor sod was too embarrassed to explain that he was forbidden from looking at OP’s nether regions, BUT I still say that OP was incredibly selfish to deny the father that experience in the first place.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 16:09

Angelina82 your attitude is disgusting. You should be ashamed.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 16:10

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Angelina82 your attitude is disgusting. You should be ashamed.

Absolutely. It gets more rancid with every post. I’m embarrassed for them.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 16:12

@Angelina82 I didn't ask about OP.

In your opinion, what is the threshold for a woman's decision to say No to be respected?

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 16:14

Angelina82 your attitude is disgusting. You should be ashamed.

I think your obvious contempt of men is pretty disgusting but it takes all sorts I suppose 🤷🏻‍♀️

Foodiefoodieyemek · 09/08/2020 16:17

Adding to my earlier post. I can vouch that watching a baby being born isn't the magical experience men are expecting. I saw DD being born as I had full length wardrobe mirrors and bed was opposite. It wasn't magical it was gory and not what most men expect to see. Yes I think my DH would not look at me the same way for a looooong time as he would have the realisation that my vagina was also for this. And it is quite traumatic! Exciting but not magical. Magical is Cinderella's pumpkin turning into a carriage not a melon stretching a vagina!

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 16:26

Only read the first half as long.

Essentially a woman said no and was ignored by two men who went ahead with the thing she said no to.

Large number of posters saying well that is right and proper. And moreover, that op has no right to say no to get husband on this.

Fucking appalling thread.

OP of course YANBU and all the women saying it was his right as her husband to ignore her NO, that's just gross.

NiceGerbil · 09/08/2020 16:28

'BUT I still say that OP was incredibly selfish to deny the father that experience in the first place.'

It's really good that he completely ignored the selfish bitch then isn't it.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 16:30

@Foodiefoodieyemek

I understand what your saying about wondering whether they’d be put off. I think if a man was that shallow and self indulged that he didn’t look at his DP in the same way before he seen they’d baby born- then he’s an absolute waste of space!

In the same way that women breastfeed. Perhaps that’s why some chose not to, because they’re worried that their DP might not look at them the same way.

If any man I’d put off his partner in either of the above scenarios then he’s not really a man at all, he’s a kids in an adults body.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 16:31

I think your obvious contempt of men is pretty disgusting but it takes all sorts I suppose

No, I have contempt for women who put women's rights and feelings at the bottom of the pile and dismiss them to keep the poor men happy, but nice try.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 16:32

I also have contempt for men that do that, but not all men, so you're half right.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 16:33

Also Angelina, what does it take all sorts for?

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