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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 14:51

Become a man then.Grin

And be made to feel like a rapist for daring to take a glance at my baby coming into the world? Think I’ll pass thanks.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 14:56

@Angelina82

Become a man then.Grin

And be made to feel like a rapist for daring to take a glance at my baby coming into the world? Think I’ll pass thanks.

Or maybe just respect a woman when she says not to go near a part of her body, especially when feeling vulnerable and needing support herself? It's not 'your' baby until it's fully out of a womans body.
TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 15:00

@RaisinGhost

Tough one. I totally understand your feelings OP. However I see how it could have happened.

For one, the whole head end/business end is something of an artificial distinction. It's not like on an American sitcom, where the womens whole lower half is piled high with blankets and the doctor sits under the blankets. In real life you are naked and anyone in the room is going to see everything.

And I just can't agree with the analogy "oh yeah well what if he wanted sex and she said no, it would be OK to rape her", that is completely different and it's offensive to both those situations to compare the two.

I completely agree that the use of the rape analogy, is offensive to use as a comparison. It’s not the same
chargeorge · 09/08/2020 15:00

Reading all these comments, yes I agree that if you specifically asked him not to look then he was wrong but don't you also agree that its the one thing that is a pretty special moment to see your child appearing. You didn't say why you didn't want your partner to look but my reason would be that vaginas are pretty gross but then mine has seen it many times anyway, and he wouldn't be looking to get excited (I hope!)

Like someone else said though, please talk and forgive and let it go now, you have a lovely child and in the whole scale of life and stuff, does him seeing your vagina really matter?

Hoping not to offend in this

Charlotte :)

GoldenOmber · 09/08/2020 15:01

Sorry you went through that ExtremelyBoldSquirrels. A birth debrief really helped me process a traumatic birth, if that's an option you want to consider in the future? Won't help with your DH acting badly though obvs...

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 15:03

@Angelina82

Become a man then.Grin

And be made to feel like a rapist for daring to take a glance at my baby coming into the world? Think I’ll pass thanks.

Ah we're back to the argument of "man's feelings are more important than women's boundaries ". How predictable.
CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 09/08/2020 15:06

@Angelina82

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine It’s hysterical exaggerated nonsense like this that makes me embarrassed to be a woman sometimes Hmm
what on earth did i say?
Polkasquare · 09/08/2020 15:09

You asked him to not look at a specific part of your body. He should have respected your wish.
I don't understand how anyone can think that the OP is unreasonable.

RantyAnty · 09/08/2020 15:09

Childbirth is a rough and often dangerous event.

I would forgive your DH. It was overwhelming for you and him. I'm sure he wasn't trying to be disrespectful.

MaryShelley1818 · 09/08/2020 15:13

I just think it's really sad that you feel like this. I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where I'd be so uncomfortable at my DH seeing my vagina given the fact we're in an intimate relationship.

My husband says that seeing our son born was the best moment of his entire life, it was an amazing experience for him. I just can't imagine ever wanting to deny him that.
That said, it's your body and he should have respected that. Maybe he got carried away in the moment, maybe he felt embarrassed telling the medical staff he'd been told he wasn't allowed to see his own child being born, have you asked him? Or tried to understand his feelings at all? Maybe if you did you wouldn't feel so angry about it.
It's just very very sad such a potentially special moment has been turned into this.

GoldenOmber · 09/08/2020 15:15

I don't think most men would want to watch once they knew their partners were so uncomfortable with it. Maybe I have an overly rosy experience of men or something? Most decent men would care about their partner's comfort and wouldn't find it a very special magical time to witness, knowing you were hating having them watch?

Hopefully the OP's DH was just overwhelmed/panicking/bit easily pushed around or whatever and will say "oh shit, sorry about that" and they'll be able to move past it together.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 15:17

I completely agree that the use of the rape analogy, is offensive to use as a comparison. It’s not the same

Some people are spectacularly hard of thinking.

The point is that the majority of women understand the importance of consent in sexual situations. Why is it not important in a medical / childbirth situation?

And for some women who have experienced rape and sexual assault, childbirth triggers a lot of the emotions of those experiences. It cannot be easily separated. There are many parallels, particularly where HCPs are not getting consent for examinations and other interventions, where there’s several people touching and looking at you in a very vulnerable position while you’re scared and in pain. You’re fortunate if you do not understand this.

Polkasquare · 09/08/2020 15:19

@MaryShelley1818

I just think it's really sad that you feel like this. I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where I'd be so uncomfortable at my DH seeing my vagina given the fact we're in an intimate relationship. My husband says that seeing our son born was the best moment of his entire life, it was an amazing experience for him. I just can't imagine ever wanting to deny him that. That said, it's your body and he should have respected that. Maybe he got carried away in the moment, maybe he felt embarrassed telling the medical staff he'd been told he wasn't allowed to see his own child being born, have you asked him? Or tried to understand his feelings at all? Maybe if you did you wouldn't feel so angry about it. It's just very very sad such a potentially special moment has been turned into this.
But maybe the OP felt embarrassed that he husband was looking at a part of her body that she had clearly asked him not to look at? Surely it's woman's feelings that matter the most here? A man should be able to support the mother of his child during child birth and be able to tell medical staft what her needs are. He should not go against her wishes because he might feel embarrassed. Does his embarrassment matter more?
GoldenOmber · 09/08/2020 15:21

My husband says that seeing our son born was the best moment of his entire life, it was an amazing experience for him. I just can't imagine ever wanting to deny him that.

Being there for the birth is usually an amazing experience in and of itself, even if they don't get to witness the exact moment the head emerges from the vagina. My last birth was a c-section, my husband thought it was all pretty amazing and wonderful to see his child's birth even though he didn't get to come and peer at my insides while they were yanking her out.

TableFlowerss · 09/08/2020 15:23

@albertatrilogy

I am not sure that I ever thought that giving birth was all 'Me, me, me, me.'

I felt it was about the baby getting out into the world safely. My own feelings and choices had some importance, but labour changes and that the medical team would have to decide whether other factors came into account.

I also saw it as a two person thing - not just about me. My partner who had helped make the baby and who would be one half of the team bringing the baby up was also part of the experience. He too was going to want to bond with the baby, and establishing that bond at the earliest possible stage was in everybody's interests.

Sometimes women will hate their own bodies and/or be carrying trauma. Sometimes they won't much like the baby's father and want him to have minimal involvement with the baby.

But I'd hope that other people share my sense of birth as a collaborative process. (I didn't have an easy labour, but I think it was easier because I accepted almost straightaway that it was something that I couldn't wholly control.)

That’s a lovely way to put it.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 15:23

Angelina82 I'm not embarrassed to be a wan because of the responses of other women on this thread. I'm am however embarrassed for you and some of the other posters on this thread. Actually I'm disgusted by some of the responses.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 15:24

Can't say I'm surprised by them though, unfortunately

Arealnumber · 09/08/2020 15:25

@AtLastEarwax strange comment to make towards this recently traumatised mother. Personally I've experienced both and IVF is a complete breeze in comparison with an out of control, frightening birth.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 15:26

I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where I'd be so uncomfortable at my DH seeing my vagina given the fact we're in an intimate relationship.

You don't need to be able to imagine it, you just need to respect that some women do feel that way.

blacktop · 09/08/2020 15:27

I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where I'd be so uncomfortable at my DH seeing my vagina given the fact we're in an intimate relationship

I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where my own husband didn't respect my wishes at the very most vulnerable point in my life.

CatbearAmo · 09/08/2020 15:28

Op. I don't know if this makes you feel better, but during birth i took a shit in my partners lap...

He didn't have spare clothes with him so he had to spend the rest of the birth topless and in a pair of my maternity trousers.

Your dh should have listened to your wishes. But there is absolutely nothing that he could overshadow witnessing the miracle of you bringing his child to the world. Whatever he saw down there, hes probably forgotten about it now.

CatbearAmo · 09/08/2020 15:29

*that could overshadow

DaisyGrabber2000 · 09/08/2020 15:31

I was birth partner for my cousin. Her partner was there too but I was there to advocate if needed and keep a clear head. Advocate I did (she can't remember all this but we followed the plan and the midwife was great).
I had said from first agreeing to attend that I would stay very much at the head end. However, actually both "ends" are quite close together during birth. I accidentally looked at the action end (in what ended up as a very traumatic birth) and uttered the words now very much part of family lore "oh my word, it's got ears"!!!
It's lovely having the "slightly less directly involved" person's view of the birth to tell the baby (now young adult) as they've grown up and being able to also say how brave mummy and daddy were (and how I was so honoured to hold her for an hour while mummy got sorted out and showered and I just bawled big wet tears over her!). She also has my name as a middle name so we have a special bond.

From my own experience, partners make terrible advocates for birth and I haven't really got over what my partner didn't do over 20 years later. I'd recommend having a confident friend with you who has already given birth and can ask the questions others might not think of.

Kay1341 · 09/08/2020 15:37

I just think it's really sad that you feel like this. I can't imagine being in the type of relationship where I'd be so uncomfortable at my DH seeing my vagina given the fact we're in an intimate relationship

There's a huge difference between a husband seeing their wife's vagina during an intimate encounter, and seeing it stretched to the extreme while you're in excruciating pain.

Jimjamjong · 09/08/2020 15:39

YANBU, it's your choice and your partner could have held/looked at the baby once she was born. There was no need for him to look if you had asked him not too.
You can refuse internal exams. I did when I had my second, I could feel she was coming but midwife insisted on a second exam, even though I had had one 10 minutes earlier and the other midwife tried to send me back home. My daughter was born within a few minutes of that, with the midwifes shouting "don't push, don't push" while wheeling me to the delivery room. It's your body and your feelings should be respected and consent asked to perform medical procedures.