To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

@MouthBreathingRage 🙄

good for you op,
managing to stay away from this argumentative thread.

YANBU - I'm still really angry DH looked when I told him not to. It's changed my opinion of him and really negatively affected our sex life. If DD hadn't been born by c section I wouldn't have let him in the room.

I really hope OP does not come back, I am appalled she has had these responses. She must feel so alone.

OP, you are not alone. Please seek some support from professionals and ignore the ignorant awful shite being spewed here. Your feelings are valid, you are not unreasonable, and anyone who feels it’s okay to respond to a traumatised person as some have here is not worth a second of your energy.

I’m wondering why it was a big deal for DH to look but perfectly ok for others to look. It seems strange so wondering whether there was a reason behind this.

Well unless the dh is a medical professional, trained to deliver babies, I can't really see the need for him to look. What help was him having a look? In what way did it aid the delivery?

Asking whether there’s a reason DH was specifically excluded from watching his child being born and others weren’t

Do you know who those others that were allowed to look were?

I agree. This is the Op’s body and she requested that her husband to not go down their and look. The doctor etc should have respected her wishes instead of disregarding it, especially if she was asked again if she was ok. Totally unprofessional. Sorry that you went through this op, not a nice experience that you went through, childbirth can be very traumatic as it is without being not listened to. I hope you will in time you will be able to address the issues that you had with this labour/birth, Tc x

@Giningit, another well thought out and articulate response. You really are too much of a wit for us defending the op.

There are some posters on here who are about two inches away from complaining that women in labour hog all the painkillers and the comfy bed and should share both with the bloke because it’s his birth experience too.

@GoldenOmber

There are some posters on here who are about two inches away from complaining that women in labour hog all the painkillers and the comfy bed and should share both with the bloke because it’s his birth experience too.

oh really?

"I think we've established that he shouldn't have looked but, since he did, isn't it just time to talk to him, try to understand his lapse in judgement and forgive him?"

That's what I think too. There have been a lot of very strong opinions voiced on this thread, but at least nobody's said "LTB!" (yet). I hope the OP can forgive her DH and they can be supportive to each other and to their relationship in what can be a very stressful time when a baby is very young. The lack of sleep isn't easy to cope with, even though you're both very happy to have the baby.

Man haters on Mumsnet out in force today

Eh? Men haters?

I don't hate men. Some of the best people in my life are men who I love dearly.

Me expecting a woman's boundaries to be respected does not mean I hate men I'd say exactly the same if OPs mother had been her birth partner and she'd been asked not to look but did.

I’m wondering why it was a big deal for DH to look but perfectly ok for others to look. It seems strange so wondering whether there was a reason behind this.

I'd generally prefer no-one looked. I don't want my DH watching whilst I get a smear test. I'd prefer the nurse doing it wasn't looking either but it's necessary. Just like the medical professionals looking during birth. I d rather they didn't, but it was necessary. DH looking wasn't necessary.

On addition, the professionals see heads coming out of swollen, bloody vaginas day in day out, DH doesn't. AND I don't have to look across the dinner table at the them the following day OR have sex with them wonder if they're thinking about how it looked during childbirth.

Op, yanbu at all to be annoyed. Did your husband feel pressured into looking? That is the only excuse really - reading between the lines it sounds like he was a bit wet and perhaps overwhelmed.
You should complain about the doctor. After a 3 hour pushing session is really not the time for them to get evangelical about the wonders of birth! A bit more sensitivity is necessary.
It's important to discuss with someone and try and get through it. I still feel angry for mil's actions around the birth - and they weren't that bad in the scheme of things - these things can really eat away at you.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine It’s hysterical exaggerated nonsense like this that makes me embarrassed to be a woman sometimes

I’m wondering why it was a big deal for DH to look but perfectly ok for others to look. It seems strange so wondering whether there was a reason behind this

And you're either thick or being purposefully obtuse if you can't tell the difference between necessary medical professionals and a partner.

Angelina82 I'd actually have preferred DH not be present at the birth, but he really wanted to be in the when his child was born so I compromised saying he could be in the room but was absolutely not to go near the business end. He totally disregarded this.

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?

@jessstan2

Me, when I gave birth last year. And a few other posters on this thread by the look of it. In the UK, incidentally, and wasn’t even an instrumental birth (although I understand this is also done for instrumental births).

And then I spent 3 hours like that in theatre afterwards (although I did at least have a gown on by then) while they attempted to stitch me back together again. Didn’t work, had to have it done again at 4 months PP.

So yeah, I found it pretty dehumanising and didn’t want my DH to look.

Birth is extremely personal and individual. You don’t know what any other woman went through. You don’t know what OP went through. But just take it from me, if you were fortunate enough to have an experience that wasn’t traumatic, terrifying, degrading and dehumanising - it can be.

And it makes me embarrassed to be a woman when you see there are still those of us who think 'you were happy to let him stick something in it before' is a valid reason to completely ignore a woman's NO.

@Angelina82

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine It’s hysterical exaggerated nonsense like this that makes me embarrassed to be a woman sometimes

Become a man then.

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?

Me. I had to get out the pool and they took my wet top off to put the fetal monitor on and they couldn't find my spare top in my bag. I was in stirrups when they did the forceps.

It's the comments on here that are embarrassing, not being a woman.

I understand OP. I felt the same. There was no feeling of "What does it matter" because I was in labour. It did matter; in fact I would have happily given birth with just the midwife in the room but didn't appear to have a choice. My DH respected my wishes. I am laughing that this apparently means we are an unloving family or that I am man hater How ridiculous.

The only people only looked during my deliveries were the midwife and consultant delivering my respective babies. I only had internals every four hours as per guidelines. You should demand a debrief so the unit can learn from this.

No one listened to me and my partner failed to advocate for me. The least he could have done was to listen to my wishes.

I’m sorry you had such a terrible experience. I agree that he let you down by going against your wishes.

I also had a really horrific birth this week. Yes the important thing is a healthy baby but that does not excuse any of what preceded it. DH behaved appallingly, I was treated poorly and not listened to and it was all round traumatic.

Up until I finally got a midwife who actually listened to me and advocated and supported me. She was wonderful, even as everything spiraled out of control.

Funny thing is, I’m not annoyed about not getting the birth I wanted (by the time it came to it, the EMCS was absolutely a requirement). But I am very angry about what happened in the days and hours leading up to that point. And afterwards to some extent. It was all made worse by this pandemic (and the hospital’s policies in relation to it, which are frankly inhumane). But there is also an underlying problem with doctors who don’t listen to women and a total lack of person centered care (which contributed to the crap policy decisions).

And I’m angry with DH because he was a complete arsehole and caused me to have the most stressful Labour experience imaginable. That’s not the hospital’s fault though.

Who is completely naked and has legs in stirrups whilst giving birth?

Yeah me too. I had a bath then they discovered forceps were needed. Why is this scenario unbelievable?