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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
Giningit · 09/08/2020 14:05

This and some of the replies just smack of first world problems. Congratulations on the birth of your child OP. Best to move on and concentrate on important things. Not all childbirth plans go as expected and can’t see how going over this helps you.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 14:06

@Giningit

Hasn’t your partner seen down there before? Is there a particular reason that this is a big issue for you?
Is doing something before the granting of permission to do it again whenever you like under any circumstances? So if someone has sex with you, you have no basis to refuse them sex if they want to have sex with you again, even if that happens be while you’re feeling really sick and not able to physically stop them?
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/08/2020 14:07

I'm shocked at the amount of people who think it's ok for a woman to be dismissed when she specifically asks someone NOT to look at her genitals.

You are forgetting though, when a woman is pregnant she is just an incubator and her body is no longer her own.

ThePlantsitter · 09/08/2020 14:07

OP I suspect the people who support you are not voting on this thread because it's not really a topic to be voted on imo. Please don't take the result of the vote (53% YABU) to mean your feelings are not valid. You have every right to be pissed off with your H and you should tell him so.

This thread is really upsetting. I hope you are all right.

Dyrne · 09/08/2020 14:09

@Giningit

Hasn’t your partner seen down there before? Is there a particular reason that this is a big issue for you?
There is a massive difference between your partner seeing your genitals as part of a consensual sexual act; and a medical situation where you are vulnerable and already feel exposed.

Not to mention the fact that thing look a teensy bit different hours into a difficult labour, swollen, bloodied and bruised; possibly with a little bit of shit from where you pushed so hard too early earlier...

Giningit · 09/08/2020 14:09

[quote ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]@Giningit I assume you had sex with your husband/partner.

Does that mean he can watch/touch you whenever and however he wants?[/quote]
I’m wondering why it was a big deal for DH to look but perfectly ok for others to look. It seems strange so wondering whether there was a reason behind this.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 14:10

@Giningit

Hasn’t your partner seen down there before? Is there a particular reason that this is a big issue for you?
The OP doesn't owe you or anyone a fucking explanation of why she didn't want her husband to see the whole gory show of their child being born. If she said no, that should have been the end of it. That is the issue here, in a situation where she already had no control, her husband took away the only thing she had asked of him for his own want.

While people, women like the posters here continue to deny this is a problem, that in matters of our own anatomy we still find reasons to give men rights over us and our bodies because 'its only fair to them', then we will continue to allow ourselves and women of the future to have no right to say 'no' when it matters, or just give them the fear of saying 'no' just incase it upsets the men around us.

Angelina82 · 09/08/2020 14:10

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.

Longpigs · 09/08/2020 14:10

@ThePlantsitter I haven't voted either way because I don't think this is suitable fodder for AIBU. I think the OP has had a traumatic experience all round, and needs support now (via RL professionals).

Longpigs · 09/08/2020 14:12

@Angelina82

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.
I don't think this is either kind or helpful at this stage. Whether or not you agree with the OP, I don't think there is any reason to pile guilt on top of everything else she is feeling.
Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 14:12

but perfectly ok for others to look.

Do you mean the medical professionals who are aiding the safe delivery of the child and won’t be involved in an intimate sexual relationship with the mother afterwards?

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 14:12

I haven't voted either way because I don't think this is suitable fodder for AIBU

Same - it's not a YABU or YANBU situation - we're all entitled to our feelings.

rawlikesushi · 09/08/2020 14:12

I think we've established that he shouldn't have looked but, since he did, isn't it just time to talk to him, try to understand his lapse in judgment and forgive him?

Giningit · 09/08/2020 14:13

@Smallsteps88 Nothing to do with sex. Asking whether there’s a reason DH was specifically excluded from watching his child being born and others weren’t. When I gave birth I wasn’t bothered whether he looked, as it happens he didn’t particularly want to look. I just can’t get worked up about this particular situation. Guess we’re all different. I was just happy my babies arrived safe and sound.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 14:13

@Giningit because there was a medical need for others to look. There was no need for the partner to look, OP didn't want him to ,he agreed he wouldn't and then he did even when OP said no in front of him and the doctor.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 09/08/2020 14:13

it neednt be horrifying op.
try and put it in perspective

Choochoose · 09/08/2020 14:14

This and some of the replies just smack of first world problems

No, they're womens problems which is why some are so dismissive and downright nasty and determined to minimise them.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 14:14

Ah, just put it in perspective. Trauma solved!

Giningit · 09/08/2020 14:15

@Dyrne Which is why I asked the question.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 14:15

@Angelina82

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.
You might have a case if the partner has form for ignoring OP's needs and wants and ignoring her when she says no.

There would definitely be a lack of love there...from him.

But then you should feel sorry for OP too.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 09/08/2020 14:15

you have a baby, enjoy the new family life

most of us are unhappy with how labour goes.
it is not all roses.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 14:16

My grandfather, before he died, became unable to take care of himself. My grandmother took over all the care of him except toiletting. He wouldnt let her do that he wasn’t comfortable letting the woman he had spent 60+ years sharing a life, home and family with, cleaning his bum. Many would be fine with it. But he wasn’t. You could say, well she’d seen his bum before so what’s the issue? It’s different. And anyone who says it’s not is being deliberately obtuse. Just like anyone who says “well he’s seen your vagina before during sex so what’s the issue?”.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 14:16

@Angelina82

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.
That is a genuinely disgusting thing to say to an obviously traumatised person. Are you proud of yourself? What would motivate a person to say this?
Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 14:16

@SinkGirl

Ah, just put it in perspective. Trauma solved!
I know. This thread is fucking HORRIFYING.
MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 14:16

@Angelina82

I just feel sorry for the baby being born into such an unloving relationship.
Oh grow up.