To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

I'm shocked at the amount of people who think it's ok for a woman to be dismissed when she specifically asks someone NOT to look at her genitals. 😲

@Banana0pancakes

I feel like having expectations of childbirth is just setting yourself up for failure. As long as you both get out of it in one piece do the hows and why's truly matter that much?

I say that as someone who did not have a pleasant birthing experience the second time by the way.

Yeah it's your body and your wishes but I'm sure you would have welcomed extra checks if they had noticed something wrong when carrying them out and maybe you're partner just wanted to see his child entering the world. How many women had to endure labour on their own during the lockdown, I'm sure they would have loved to have their partners there.

Just be grateful and move on.

prepares to be flamed

You will be flamed and rightly so. Appalling.

albertatrilogy, personally, I don't think there is anything about labouring and giving birth that is collaborative.

Yes, creating a baby is a collaboration. YTes, doctors and nurses and midwives can help the labouring woman but:
The pain is felt by the woman, the danger is to the woman.

The only collaboration is between mum and baby and I cannot see any benefit to baby to the dad seeing the moment the baby comes into the world. My dad never saw me or my sister being born, but he was a great dad.

"I think you need to look at it from a father's perspective though" how about the father thinking about it for the mums point of view?

What a fucking stupid comparison GoldenOmber

@Angelina82

So it was fine for your partner to impregnate you, stand by you through hours of labour, mop your brow etc but not ok for him to see the wonder of his and your child being born. I actually think this is incredibly selfish

Whilst you appear to not be on your own in this opinion (which I am horrified by), I would urge you to think a bit more about it.

It is not selfish, for whatever reason you like, to decide who sees your vagina during birth.

The reasons behind it are many, ranging from just personal preference through to previous traumatic experiences.

It is certainly not your place to make OP, or any other woman, feel they are selfish on top of all the other emotions they are going through.

A lot of the posters on this thread are absolutely disgusting and I truly hope they do not bring their children up to believe that a man’s desires during labour exceed those of the person actually giving birth.

OP I truly hope you are ok, there has been some great advice in here about next steps for complaint and some form of resolution. Best wishes to you.

@Angelina82

So it was fine for your partner to impregnate you, stand by you through hours of labour, mop your brow etc but not ok for him to see the wonder of his and your child being born. I actually think this is incredibly selfish

And I think you’re an ignorant arsehole.

Also realised the double standard here-

Denying the father the ‘right’ to see his baby come out= unfair, the birth is an ‘experience‘ for him, his baby and his choice.

Women wanting basic rights and autonomy and a positive experience of birth= selfish, she should be grateful to be alive and have a healthy baby, anything beyond that is silly.

I think the medics are a bit too obsessed with making partners get involved with the messy end. My partner got encouraged to watch and they also made him cut the cord, although he always said he didn't want to. I didn't care either way but he is quite squeamish. As long as the partner is supporting you, why do they care about them watching the messy end? I mean you wouldn't have your husband watch you have your smear test. It's ridiculous.

I agree with Phrowzunn he owes you "... a meaningful apology but then you need to forgive him and move on." I do think you should move on but of course it's up to you.

"What's a father supposed to do" support his partner in a difficult and potentially dangerous situation where she is labouring to bring their child into the world.

She said no. To her DH and to the medical staff and she was ignored. Taking away the 'magic of birth' nonsense the actual message here is her not giving consent was ignored in a time where she was vulnerable and in pain. That's revolting.

Birth is about mother and baby - dad helped put it there, sure, and yes it's 'his' baby too but the fact remains OP is the one bringing it into the world. Pregnancy and birth are still two of the most dangerous things a woman can go through, medical advancements from the west or not - this isn't comparable to a third world scenario and minimising what the OP went through because 'she should be grateful' is bullshit.

OP, please complain about the medical staff. Your complaints and feelings are valid and should be respected. Talk to your partner, drum home how HE should have listened to you and advocated when you couldn't. The fact that he didn't - the loss of trust and anger that will be there could stay with you and he needs to understand WHY it's there if he doesn't already. Please seek help - PTSD, PND all too common in situations such as these. We are dealing with the fallout and after math from my own daughter's birth.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. Please be well and take care of yourself.

You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming. Maybe, if you don't want him at the business end, you should offer him the opportunity not to have to cope with the top end either.

What the fuck!??

And would it really be that special and wonderful a moment to watch your baby crowning, if you knew that the mother who was pushing it out of her vagina really did NOT want you to look? I think that’d remove quite a lot of the ‘special magical moment to cherish forever’ feeling away for most people.

@sugarfreemint

Also realised the double standard here-

Denying the father the ‘right’ to see his baby come out= unfair, the birth is an ‘experience‘ for him, his baby and his choice.

Women wanting basic rights and autonomy and a positive experience of birth= selfish, she should be grateful to be alive and have a healthy baby, anything beyond that is silly.

Yep!

Shouldn’t men be grateful to have a live healthy baby? That’s literally what the OP has been told about her own birth experience. She shouldn’t expect anything more than a live baby and should accept whatever is done to her in the process of delivering that baby. But it’s selfish to expect a man to accept whatever conditions are given to him to allow that to happen?

*So it was fine for your partner to impregnate you, stand by you through hours of labour, mop your brow etc but not ok for him to see the wonder of his and your child being born. I actually think this is incredibly selfish confused

You can not be serious with this post? Selfish? Please enlighten me. In what way is it selfish for a woman to request that her husband doesn't look at her vagina while a human being is coming out of it? It's her body! FFS what do people not understand about the fact it's THE WOMANS BODY!? It's not difficult.

Also, he was in the room, that is plenty. Why would he have a need to witness the child coming out the vagina to make it special?

@sugarfreemint

Also realised the double standard here-

Denying the father the ‘right’ to see his baby come out= unfair, the birth is an ‘experience‘ for him, his baby and his choice.

Women wanting basic rights and autonomy and a positive experience of birth= selfish, she should be grateful to be alive and have a healthy baby, anything beyond that is silly.

That pretty much sums up being female at all at the moment. Men being told no - they're being oppressed and denied. Women trying to stand up for themselves - ungrateful, not accepting their privilege, should 'get over it' and etc. There is a horrible culture at the moment of bringing down women who complain about anything.

YANBU it's your body and was your choice. He should have listened to you and respected your choice, as should the medical professionals involved.

As for having a student, yes of course students need to learn, but if someone is not comfortable with a student they should absolutely say no. I say this as a nurse and I would have been mortified as a student if I felt any patients had been pushed into me working with them. Even as a qualified I have said no to students sitting in my personal medical consultations several times, because that's my right and some things I want to keep as private as possible.

Hasn’t your partner seen down there before? Is there a particular reason that this is a big issue for you?

@Giningit

Hasn’t your partner seen down there before? Is there a particular reason that this is a big issue for you?

Doesn’t matter what her issues are. She said no and that should have been enough. Consent matters. It’s not a free for all.

I can not believe that over half the people that have voted on this thread thing YABU OP. I just actually despair. It's fucking depressing to see so many people (I'm assuming mainly women) argue that a man, regardless of who he is to the OP, has any say over her body!!

That pretty much sums up being female at all at the moment. Men being told no - they're being oppressed and denied. Women trying to stand up for themselves - ungrateful, not accepting their privilege, should 'get over it' and etc. There is a horrible culture at the moment of bringing down women who complain about anything.

Exactly this.

Tbh I didn't find anything magical about birth. A lot of people conflate the baby with labour and giving birth. The cynic in me thinks it's because it's a tool used to minimise how dangerous and traumatic childbirth can be and desensitise us to it. A handy stick to beat us with when we dare to complain .

The only magical thing is the baby at the end. How it gets there has no magic, unless it was brought in by fairies , sliding on a rainbow coming out of a unicorn's arse.

Now that, would be magical.

I am horrified on your behalf OP "I was as vocal as I could be about my wishes - no one was listening"

I hope you will be able to complain about all these things. They should have listened to you and cared for your properly.

YANBU- I told DH I’d rather he didn’t look, and he wasn’t fussed. The midwife asked him to look, he said no, she said it again, he said no- this happened a few more times until I asked them both to stop bickering as I was trying to get a person out of my body 😂

@Giningit I assume you had sex with your husband/partner.

Does that mean he can watch/touch you whenever and however he wants?