To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming. Maybe, if you don't want him at the business end, you should offer him the opportunity not to have to cope with the top end either.

I think you'll find the partner had a lot to do with the huffing and puffing, after all, he did impregnate the op. He doesn't get to override her wishes when she is giving birth to their baby. The ops body does not belong to the partner, he does however owe her the support she wants when giving birth with her body to their baby. Your post is creepy and rapey.

no we’re not all the same, but I’ve been outside the front door before, listened to other people’s experiences, watched the news, you know, normal stuff

er, yes, that's why I'm asking questions and listening to others, unlike yourself who can't help with personal attacks, calling people silly to boot, that they live under a rock - seems it's you that's struggling to see others as vaild not me.
I've repeatedly said your body your choice.

@MarthasGinYard what is your problem? I asked a simple question

So it was fine for your partner to impregnate you, stand by you through hours of labour, mop your brow etc but not ok for him to see the wonder of his and your child being born. I actually think this is incredibly selfish

what is your problem? I asked a simple question

Well there's your problem right there - stop being so silly, have you been living under a rock?

Has the OP not got a voice anymore to stand up for herself?

Man haters on Mumsnet out in force today.

Man haters on Mumsnet out in force today.

Mysoginistic twat haters .

Fixed that for you.

OP, I also had a horrible and dehumanising birth. The mental impact of which was long lasting. I'm pretty shocked at some of the unsupportive comments, because usually Mumsnet it great for helping after traumatic births.

Of course your DP shouldn't have looked if you'd asked him not to.

I would strongly suggest having a birth debrief. I ended up with PND and PTSD after my first birth. It was the darkest period of my life. I hope that this isn't the same for you, but please don't let the unsupportive voices today make you think that you're wrong to feel this way, or stop you from getting help if you feel that you need it.

@Aracnafaria

Has the OP not got a voice anymore to stand up for herself?

Man haters on Mumsnet out in force today.

1. I suspect the OP who’s already suffering following a very traumatic birth is too distressed by the horrific responses here to post again

2. The fact that you think woman having boundaries is “man-hating” just shows what a misogynist you really are

Man haters on Mumsnet out in force today.

I love when this gets thrown it. It’s always in response to women saying it’s ok to prioritise yourself. Apparently that means you hate men.

What?!?!? The OP did have a voice and used it. She said no, to the doctor and to her husband, and was ignored. Why is that ok?

OP, I am so sorry that you had a traumatic delivery. I agree with pps who advised a debrief. I can sympathise with your feeling of having been let down by your partner but you have to find a way through that if you can as you are going to have a long relationship as
Parents going forward. The fact that you birth experience was difficult was not his fault it feels to you at the moment though as if he made it worse, which I understand.
I was interested by your assertion that you had asked him not to look ' down there' before your labour and wondered why?.
I have been to hundreds of deliveries , straight forward and complicated and seeing a baby born is incredibly exciting and beautiful. For a parent there is even more magic and emotion. It is usual for birth partners to witness this and the care givers offer the opportunity if they can. I know that your partner was there to support you but they are also a new parent and I can understand how in the heat of the moment they were tempted to watch the birth of their baby.I strongly recommend you get some help in processing all of this.

I haven’t RTFT but I think YANBU to be annoyed that your DH ignored your wishes. I think you should probably cut him some slack though given that it’s a really intense situation and it sounds like the doctor was persistent in telling him to look.

It sounds like you had a really bad experience which was largely the fault of the hospital/the staff treating you and rather than focusing on that you’re focusing on your DH’s actions, which is understandable but I think unreasonable. He should have been supportive of your wishes but he’s not a trained professional whereas the doctor telling him to do it was.

I think you should try to arrange one of those birth reflections appointments and maybe also talk through your experience with a counsellor, and it may help you put things in perspective and get some closure.

@Angelina82

So it was fine for your partner to impregnate you, stand by you through hours of labour, mop your brow etc but not ok for him to see the wonder of his and your child being born. I actually think this is incredibly selfish

It’s alarming how many posters seem to think this.. I don’t know a single person who would say something like this. Insane.

Congratulations on your new baby. 💐

You have been through a horrible experience. You have been let down by the medical team and your DH.

I had a horrible experience giving birth. Having my baby was the best thing ever, that week in hospital was the dehumanising, intrusive and horrible.

Ask about a debrief and think about counselling.

Some of the comment on this thread are appalling.

I love when this gets thrown it. It’s always in response to women saying it’s ok to prioritise yourself. Apparently that means you hate men

I know. It's pathetic.

@Choochoose

After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.

Eurgh, absolutely vile. Do people actually think like this?

Thankfully they are few and far between. Most people have at least a shred of common decency.

It’s alarming how many posters seem to think this.. I don’t know a single person who would say something like this. Insane.

It really is. Wonder if these posters also think the OP’s husband should let her be present up close and personal for every prostate exam he ever has?

Oh yes. Women's boundaries are hate against men.

the only births out there are fluffy cloud fairy births that I find so shocking tbh

Yeah, because that's what I said

I think you just need to let it go OP

Giving birth was a big thing for him to witness as well as for you to go through. You can take up with the hospital the traumatic birth issues and talk to your DP about why this bothered you and why you did it and try to move past it. It may be that he looked as the doctors were saying it.

I had a traumatic birth, no epidural and my baby died. I fixate on some things that were said and done and the time but it doesn't help anyone and you're all alive and well so try to ignore the other stuff and resolve this if you can.

Thank you Handsoffisback