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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 13:09

Ok don't think midwifes and doctors should be offering anyone else to have a look at a woman suffering horrendous pain.

Agree.

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 13:11

As long as you both get out of it in one piece do the hows and why's truly matter that much?

Do you realise that what you’re arguing here is that anyone experiencing birth trauma is unreasonable.

That it’s only if a baby is harmed or dies during birth that trauma is reasonable?

Trauma is reasonable when a baby is harmed, but not when a woman is harmed?

The internalised misogyny on this thread is breathtaking.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 13:12

lemonade can you honestly not think of any situations where a woman might find giving birth dehumanising? Really?

Well, I wouldn't have asked, would I if I knew?
Thanks for all those just now who actually answered instead of being snotty about it and/or name calling.
It's not my experience, which is why I asked - as we're not all the same funnily enough.

Sexnotgender · 09/08/2020 13:13

But it's his baby... I think the father has a right to see his child coming into the world.

No, no and no again. Appalling attitude to consent.

Phrowzunn · 09/08/2020 13:15

YANBU
I asked my husband not to look and when he was encouraged to by the midwife and then by the doctor, he declined, even though I know he was curious.
Your husband owes you a meaningful apology but then you need to forgive him and move on. Hopefully one day (in the far, far future!) it will be a funny story between the two of you.

Sassenach85 · 09/08/2020 13:16

Haven’t rtft saw the title and thought I would have a look. I’m forever scarred by the birth of my first child. OP I just want to add my tuppence worth and say that how you feel is totally understandable and you express yourself very clearly. People don’t know the damage they do when they dismiss these feelings. Call it dramatic call it whatever but I felt like my first birth was 30 hours of abuse, physically and mentally and like the OP the feeling that nobody was listening to me set off a panic attack. It has taken me years to overcome the ordeal. I think there could be 101 reasons why your DH had a look against your wishes. How you feel about that is just how you feel nobody can take it away. I think rather than focus on what he did you should try to get over the PTSD. I had to go back and have a meeting where they read through my notes and discussed it all with me. Took me 5 years but I demanded a section with DS and was 100% in as much control as is possible with not ONE internal exam! I really feel for you. Try and work through it you will be okay xx

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 13:16

I think the father has a right to see his child coming into the world.

Well he doesn’t. Men have no rights in relation to women going through labour and childbirth.

katy1213 · 09/08/2020 13:16

He probably just got excited. But if you didn't want him looking and it was a big deal, why have him there at all?

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 13:17

But it's his baby... I think the father has a right to see his child coming into the world.

No he doesn't. No such right exists. He doesn't even have the right to be in the room, much less look when he previously agreed he wouldn't and the mother of the child said then and there she doesn't want him to.

Funny how men HAVE all these (eternally increasing) made up rights while women should shut up,put up and just be grateful they're still alive.

KarenKarendson · 09/08/2020 13:18

It's not unreasonable op. Regardless of your reasons, whether anyone else things you are unreasonable or not, it's your body, and you should have the right to choose.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 09/08/2020 13:18

Maybe people should come to an agreement about this before getting pregnant so that a man can decide whether it is acceptable to him to be used to create a baby that he isn't allowed to see come into the world.

What's a father supposed to do - just pat your hand and say "there, there"? You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming. Maybe, if you don't want him at the business end, you should offer him the opportunity not to have to cope with the top end either.

Lelophants · 09/08/2020 13:18

@MsMiaWallace I had no issue my dh looking at my c section. I would not want him to see my vagina in that state. Sorry but as a woman you can feel very vulnerable in that area. Everyone is different how they feel. We should respect the op and not say 'could be worse'.

shreddednips · 09/08/2020 13:19

I'm absolutely appalled at some of the responses on this thread. How anyone can minimise the OP's distress is beyond me. I have postnatal PTSD and birth trauma isn't something you can just choose to 'move on from' or 'not focus on'. It doesn't matter why the OP didn't want him to look, or whether some people wouldn't care. It doesn't matter whether you think she shouldn't feel this way, she DOES.

Doctors shouldn't be inviting anyone down there to have a look without asking the woman. Her vagina doesn't suddenly become their territory to invite others into.

This thread really makes me fear for women's right to autonomy and dignity in childbirth. We should all be standing up for each other's rights to be listened to and respected during the most painful and stressful experiences of our lives no matter whether we would personally have felt the same way.

Lelophants · 09/08/2020 13:21

And as the man doesn't have to be the specimen going through the pain (often on a bed) they he should be helping her comfort to get their child out alive. It's well known that a mother under pressure cannot labour possibly. Even animals are allowed to labour in quiet and dark.

It reminds me of that king who made all his wives lie on a bed so he could watch his babies come out. It's like the woman doesn't exist. It's awful.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 13:21

You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming.

Not all women react like that.
He agreed beforehand not to look.
Agreeing to someone supporting you doesn't mean you agree to whatever else they might want to do.

That is a very mysoginistic ,dismissive and reductive description of labour .

SinkGirl · 09/08/2020 13:21

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

Maybe people should come to an agreement about this before getting pregnant so that a man can decide whether it is acceptable to him to be used to create a baby that he isn't allowed to see come into the world.

What's a father supposed to do - just pat your hand and say "there, there"? You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming. Maybe, if you don't want him at the business end, you should offer him the opportunity not to have to cope with the top end either.

This cannot be a serious post. Put him through it? Fucking unbelievable. Most men are bloody grateful that the hardest it gets for them is being “put through” supporting their partner at such a difficult and painful time.
Laundrywoman · 09/08/2020 13:22

@Aracnafaria

Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?
Simply put, no he's not.
Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 13:22

You put him through having to watch huffing and puffing and contorted faces and screeching and screaming.

😂😂😂

Oh that must be so hard for him having to go through that. So much harder than actually having to do the huffing and puffing, contorted faces, screeches and screaming.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 13:22

There are some seriously fucked up people on this thread.

shreddednips · 09/08/2020 13:23

And I'm not sure what the IVF comment has to do with it. Some parts of IVF do feel dehumanising, but the key here is that you have the right to CONSENT to these things. The stuff about him looking at her vagina during sex is also shocking. That suggests that once someone has seen it once, you have no right to say no in the future. You DO, whether a baby is coming out of it or not!

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 13:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BristolBetty · 09/08/2020 13:24

I can understand why you feel upset, OP.

It sounds as though your feelings about your partner disregarding your wishes have been exacerbated by a traumatic birth. After my first child was born, I spent weeks beating myself up about how things hadn't gone to plan. I wanted a drug-free labour and ended up with three days in and out of hospital, culminating in an epidural, a ventouse delivery and multiple stitches. A couple of the medical staff made unkind comments when I felt at my lowest and most vulnerable. I found myself dwelling on this for weeks after the birth. It detracted from my enjoyment of my new baby and with hindsight I should probably have spoken to a counsellor. Maybe that would help you?

Incidentally, I had specifically said on my birth plan that my partner didn't want to cut the umbilical cord, but the doctor asked him to so he did. It felt as though it was something that was expected of him. I know this isn't the same situation as yours - ultimately, it was no big deal for either of us. I mention it only to illustrate how easy it is for new parents to go along with something they hadn't planned and didn't want to do, especially when they're emotional and exhausted and the birth hasn't gone the way anyone expected.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 13:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 09/08/2020 13:25

@Smallsteps88

There are some seriously fucked up people on this thread.
I bet they're also the type of people that minimise and excuse rape,CSA and DV. After all men just can't help themselves, and once you accept one into your life(regardless of the terms) anything goes.
PileofToss · 09/08/2020 13:26

@Musmerian can you provide more info on this please? I’d like to be prepared to refuse internal examinations should I be in that situation Smile

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