To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

[IsoBordem]

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.

Eurgh, absolutely vile. Do people actually think like this?

@MouthBreathingRage

maybe really desperately wanting to see the moment his child entered the world, he might decide to do so.

His child, his child, his child .

It was also her child, but more importantly coming out of her body. Its his child once its fully born, a woman has a perfect right to tell her husband not to be in the room at all if if makes her birth any easier. Because that's the only important aspect of birth, getting the mother and child through it safely. What men want doesn't even come into it.

I don't disagree. But unless she's separating from him, finding a way to understand what he was thinking at that moment, in order to understand and forgive him, would be wise I think.

Or stay angry for ever I guess.

Not at all @Handsoffisback I assume, rightly I hope, that the OP was quite agreeable to the initial act.
The fact that she was agreeable to it doesn't mean to say that her husband did what he wanted with it.

I’ve told my DH repeatedly that when I give birth I don’t want him at the business end. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want him to see it, and after carrying the baby for 9ish months, it’s my decision! I don’t see why dad should get to see the baby first either, that’s bullshit.

OP I would be upset too. Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do now apart from try to move past it - speaking to a professional may help you with this and the experience on the whole, to try and make it more positive.

It doesn’t sound like your DH was being malicious and perhaps felt a bit coerced. Doesn’t make it ok, he should have listened to you only, but there’s not much he can do now to resolve it other than apologise.

I’m sorry you had a horrible experience

'After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.'

What kind of monster thinks like this

Fucking rancid

I'm really shocked by the responses on this thread, similar to a thread a while ago where the OP wanted her mother there and her DP didn't.

Labour is a personal, medical experience. It isn't a date night or a holiday. The ONLY person whose needs should be met is the labouring woman. I can't believe that such a basic concept is being contested.

I loved having my DH with me in labour, but honestly posts like this and their responses make me wonder if allowing men into delivery suites was the right move.

@MarthasGinYard

'After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.'

What kind of monster thinks like this

Fucking rancid

That's pretty foul.

Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?

This thread has really opened my eyes and made me realise my own naivety- I genuinely thought in this day and age the kind of attitudes displayed here would be dead and gone. We really haven’t moved forward as much as I thought.

Hands

That is exactly what I was thinking

Vile

I was specifically referring to the part where you questioned by OP felt it was dehumanising, hence why I referenced it

It was a genuine question, as in how is giving birth dehumanising?

@burritofan

Presumably he looks when you have sex so I'm not sure why this is any different Er, consent.

Apparently consent goes out the window when you get pregnant, according to this thread.

Plenty of people do seem to believe that, yes.

I also assume those people have never seen an episotomy or third degree tear if they can’t understand the difference.

And can we please not forget that there are women who wouldn’t want their partner to look at their genitals during sex either - if they didn’t consent to that then would it be okay to force them to accept it during sex? Why is childbirth different?

I’ll say it again - for many of us, having a room full of people touching and looking at our genitals is enormously triggering at the best of times. Throw in pain, fear, medical interventions and the person you should be able to trust most ignoring your explicit non-consent, I can’t imagine how traumatic that must be.

OP, please contact your maternity unit to ask about birth debrief / Afterthougts service. Also ask about whether they have a specialist maternity counsellor available - mine was invaluable during my pregnancy and I had planned to go back after my traumatic birth. I didn’t but wish I had.

Also, if you have a local Maternity Voices partnership please contact them - the conduct of the doctor should be flagged up and fed back.

We can draw boundaries around our body wherever we choose and anyone who can’t respect that is the problem.

However I can't imagine firstly a student being allowed in the room unless asked and secondly between the student and the midwife mentor and doctor carrying out instrumental delivery no one asking consent.

My epidural was done by a trainee. I wasn't told until a consultant came in to check because I kept complaining I can still feel everything. 4 hours later because the midwives didn't believe me.

When DD got in distress I wasn't informed,told what was going on or what will happen next. Had the anaesthetic, rushed into a delivery room and then everything happened. I had no idea why or how. Didn't even realise that there were issues with DD until I heard the midwives say "come on baby,breathe".

Shit happens, just because it didn't happen to you or you aren't aware of it, it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

'Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?'

Bloody Hell

@Aracnafaria

Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?

Nope!

It was a genuine question, as in how is giving birth dehumanising?

I could give you chapter and verse of exactly how mine were dehumanising but I’d still be typing tomorrow morning. It seems from this thread I’m far from alone.

So fucking typical. As a society we decide to allow men the privilege of seeing their child being born if the mother wants this and within a few years it's become their inalienable right.

Until this very moment I had no idea that having your husband at the birth but not allowing him to watch the actual birth was a thing.

I'm not saying YABU/YANBU because clearly it's your body etc but I genuinely thought that when fathers were at the birth they were there to see the birth (as well as support the mum, obviously)

@Aracnafaria

Surely he is entitled to see his child being born OP?

Not if the mother ( you know, the one actually going through labour and birth) says no.

You know as well as I do lemonade what the OP was referring to with her comment about dehumanising. Don’t pretend it was something else

I'm not pretending anything, WTF are you on about?
Jesus, are people not allowed to ask questions anymore?

It was a genuine question, as in how is giving birth dehumanising?

You must be being disingenuous. The OP and many others have explained how a birth like this can be dehumanising - your wishes and consent disregarded, repeated invasive examinations that make you feel as though you are not a person with any bodily autonomy, the loss of dignity, etc etc.

I had a massively traumatic gynae experience (not birth related) many years ago which I still have nightmares about now. I was treated like a piece of meat, my cries of pain were ignored and even mocked. I wasn’t given any info about what was being done, painful things were just done to me with no consideration. It absolutely is dehumanising to be treated this way since you be treated humanely means with empathy and consideration for the physical and mental effect of what’s being done. Unfortunately too many women are not treated humanely during birth.

I'm not saying YABU/YANBU because clearly it's your body etc

Just for the record, I haven't voted either for the same reason - OP is not being unreasonable to feel the way they do. Your body, your choice.
Even though I don't feel the same as you, doesn't mean I don't respect that.