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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
DopamineHits · 09/08/2020 12:20

You couldn't have known, but you should have included your wishes on the birth plan. In these situations people have a tendency to obey everything doctors say. My ex DP told me he did not want to cut the cord, but the midwife put the scissors in his hand and he cut the cord!

I'm sorry your wishes weren't respected, but that does seem to be a standard theme around childbirth sadly.

mumwon · 09/08/2020 12:20

student doctors (plural - several)

bengalcat · 09/08/2020 12:21

YANBU . Unless the woman specifies otherwise a man should remain at the head end during birth and suturing .

Deathgrip · 09/08/2020 12:22

I don’t think some people here understand the impact of being listened to and having your wishes respected during a birth. A birth with exactly the same trajectory and events can feel more or less traumatic based on how a woman is treated by those in the room. Asking for consent is a basic thing that should happen at every stage. Ignoring a lack of consent is unacceptable. There’s really nothing else to say. I am staggered that so many women think this is okay.

supersonicginandtonic · 09/08/2020 12:22

I'm sorry but your partner has seen your lady bits before, you are being ridiculous.
My first birth was hurrendous, to hand point I couldn't give a crap who looked down there. The baby is your partners too why shouldn't he see his baby being born?
At my last birth, if my partner hadn't looked we wouldn't haVE known baby was crowning and to call a midwIfe.

Elsiebear90 · 09/08/2020 12:24

The people saying “you asked him to be at the birth what did you expect?” Are probably the same people who say to rape victims “you went back to his house, what did you expect?”.

I can’t believe so many people think a woman loses her right to consent based on a man’s expectations.

Nanny0gg · 09/08/2020 12:24

@Horehound

I think it's a big moment for a dad too and what is the harm in him looking? Of you weren't happy with additional examinations due to the student nurse, why didn't you say? I can see both sides, maybe he should have listened but at the same time he would have liked to see his child born. I doubt he was judging what you looked like down there.
And he would see the baby the second it was lifted out.

It was the OP's body and her choice, not his

ThePlantsitter · 09/08/2020 12:24

[quote SummerPoppies]@FrootTheLoot yes I get that, but when she felt that she needed to bear down, she could have asked him to leave if she didn't want him to see what was going on.
After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.[/quote]
Shocking post.

She had already, before she was in the throes of labour, asked him not to.

There are many many rape examples I could use in relation to your post but really you ought to be able to see them for yourself and I don't want to think about it.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:25

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AntsInPenzance · 09/08/2020 12:26

Saying that the man couldn't control the urge to look is bollocks, and I speak from experience. I was in the room when my wife gave birth, and although my wife was fine with me looking, if she had asked me not to look, I wouldn't have looked!

justanotherneighinparadise · 09/08/2020 12:27

I’ve never heard of partners being present but not ‘looking’. I found it s great help when I was absolutely exhausted and trying to push but felt like I was getting nowhere and DP said that wasn’t the case and he was starting to crown. That’s a wonderful memory that he has forever, particularly since he was unable to be there for the birth of our second.

sugarfreemint · 09/08/2020 12:27

The attitudes and mindset towards birth and women’s rights is so grim that I’m not surprised by the women who are so put off by it that they seek a ‘non-medical’ ELCS or a home birth. Yet you’ll find plenty shaming these decisions too. Misogyny is alive and well

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sindragosan · 09/08/2020 12:28

These threads are infuriating. Being alive at the end of a medical procedure doesn't mean you should be willing to accept anything at all that happened, and it doesn't mean you had good care.

I have had two births that were massively medicalised, with monitoring, people everywhere, students etc, and although it wasn't how I wanted it to go, I was informed of what was happening, consent was obtained and my partner supported me. There is a difference between things not going to plan, and being dismissed/ignored/uninformed etc.

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 12:29

After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.

What a vile misogynistic comment! You think having sex with a man means a woman gives up any right to deny him access to her vagina at a point in time 9 months later when she is extremely vulnerable, in pain and her vagina looks nothing at all like it did during the sex?

Louise91417 · 09/08/2020 12:31

I totally understand were you are coming from op. My last pregnancy was induced and giving birth was horrendous...having no control over your body and feeling very vulnerable is bad enough, having your wishes (the only thing you should be able to control) totally dismissed is way out of order! Had this happened me i would have tried my hardest to remove my leg from the stirrup with the purpose of embedding it in the twats face..

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:32

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SummerPoppies · 09/08/2020 12:32

He's her husband, not a rapist @ThePlantsitter
No @Handsoffisback the OP asked for opinions. Opinions vary. I gave mine, you don't agree with it, that's fine.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:33

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:33

[quote SummerPoppies]@FrootTheLoot yes I get that, but when she felt that she needed to bear down, she could have asked him to leave if she didn't want him to see what was going on.
After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.[/quote]
Shock what a vile post.

For the record, just because you allowed someone to 'put something in it' before doesn't mean you don't get any further say after that.

Shameful.

SummerPoppies · 09/08/2020 12:34

Of course I'm not a flipping troll. As I said, the OP asked and she got.
We have a difference of opinion, that's life.

burritofan · 09/08/2020 12:34

Presumably he looks when you have sex so I'm not sure why this is any different
Er, consent.

Apparently consent goes out the window when you get pregnant, according to this thread.

20viona · 09/08/2020 12:34

YABU it is his own eyes and he used them
to look. You can't blame the doctors or anyone else. It's an exciting moment for the dad too. I'm
Sorry you're upset.

TitsOutForHarambe · 09/08/2020 12:34

After all, she clearly didn't mind him putting something in it at the beginning, so why be so precious about him seeing something coming out of it at the end.

I assume that this is a joke. It's in very poor taste.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.