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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed that partner looked during childbirth?

876 replies

IsoBordem · 09/08/2020 09:06

I recently had a pretty terrible birth experience. It was the most dehumanising experience I have ever gone through. The hourly internal exams (done twice due to a student midwife) was already pushing my limits.

Before the birth I had one request for my partner - I did not want him looking down there at any point. During the delivery the doctors offered for him to have a look, even though I said I would prefer if he didn't. He ended up watching twice.

I know I am likely being unreasonable to be annoyed. I just wished the one person who was meant to be supporting me would have listened to my wishes rather than dismissing me like my doctor did.

OP posts:
GisAFag · 09/08/2020 12:04

Why didn't you want him to look?
He could have filmed it to show you.
I sa on tv a birth.. When the head came out OMG I can still see the image. Imagine if they put a big mirror on the wall and you could see yourself giving birth...

Wereeaglesdare · 09/08/2020 12:04

It was me who brought up developing countries. I am in support of the OP and her annoyance at her partners wishes. But I feel the OP is focusing on something small that could of been in her control if her partner had listened to her instead of the bigger issue that the medicalised birth she endured traumatised her which wasn't in her control. That is the issue here the partner should have been supporting her but he decided to be a knob probably caught up in the excitement of birth not that this is excusable and I feel the OP has the right to voice this. However I can't imagine firstly a student being allowed in the room unless asked and secondly between the student and the midwife mentor and doctor carrying out instrumental delivery no one asking consent. This is not something I have seen before and simply am asking if they did ask consent but the OP felt too vulnerable at that time to say no.
I was simply pointing out that at the end of the day the expectations of birth are not always lived up to and something which can seem traumatising to somebody if they have never seen alot of births or even been in to hospital and had an operation. But on a delivery sweet OP face to pube presentation and instrumental delivery with epidural is ridiculously common although not the birth that anybody wants. I feel for the OP but I just want her to know that there are alot of women who feel like this and sometimes it's the only thing we can do to focus on the positives of the experience which at the end of the day is a gorgeous healthy baby.

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 09/08/2020 12:05

This! A doctor over riding a woman's wishes when it comes to her body and her pain to allow a man what he wanted.

Exactly!

And the exhortation to suck it up because women in other countries have it worse - it's like when people used to force you to eat food because starving children would be glad of it. Do people still do that?

My ex stayed at the talking end because that's what I wanted - and that was 35 years ago! What's so difficult about that? (I know he's an ex now but that's for unrelated reasons.)

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:05

Why didn't you want him to look?

Because she didn't want him to.

Why does it matter why? She said no FFS.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 09/08/2020 12:05

And people can say 'im only saying what my experience was' but really, why?

To-be-annoyed-that-partner-looked-during-childbirth?

In the title - or can only people who agree comment? If so why post in the first place if opinions aren't wanted?

roarfeckingroarr · 09/08/2020 12:06

This thread is horrific. I'm 8 months pregnant and it's made me feel nauseous. Stepping away from MN.

Wereeaglesdare · 09/08/2020 12:06

Suite even# just before I get slated for that aswell

2155User · 09/08/2020 12:06

But I can also understand how, standing right there in the delivery room at your invitation, being invited to look by the medical professionals, maybe really desperately wanting to see the moment his child entered the world, he might decide to do so

This.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:09

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains

And people can say 'im only saying what my experience was' but really, why?

To-be-annoyed-that-partner-looked-during-childbirth?

In the title - or can only people who agree comment? If so why post in the first place if opinions aren't wanted?

She asked if she was unreasonable to be annoyed. She didn't ask whether you let your husband look during birth.

She asked whether she, OP, who said no was unreasonable for being annoyed that her partner ignored her request and looked anyway.

She didn't ask whether you or I let our partners look during birth.

Elsiebear90 · 09/08/2020 12:09

This thread is depressing, sometimes women really are their own worse enemies.

It’s no wonder a lot of men don’t respect our right to privacy and bodily autonomy when so many women are arguing against it too!

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:10

It’s no wonder a lot of men don’t respect our right to privacy and bodily autonomy when so many women are arguing against it too!

This. How can we expect men to respect our wishes when so many women clearly don't either!

SummerPoppies · 09/08/2020 12:12

If you didn't want him looking, then why have him there?
Move on and forget about it.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Happymum12345 · 09/08/2020 12:12

It’s your body. You asked him not to look and he did. I can understand why you’re upset as you feel violated when you were in a vulnerable position.
I would suggest some counselling to overcome this & the whole birth experience itself. You can and will recover from this. I would try very hard to forgive your partner as this is such a hard and precious time with you newborn. All the best.

unmarkedbythat · 09/08/2020 12:13

This craven desperation to excuse OP's partner and shame her for not being happy that he broke her trust and treated her body as a display for his benefit rather than respect her wishes is appalling. Some of you have standards so low it's hard to believe this is 2020 and not 1820.

FrootTheLoot · 09/08/2020 12:13

@SummerPoppies

If you didn't want him looking, then why have him there? Move on and forget about it.
Confused for support?

Looking at OPs vagina isn't a requirement of being a birthing partner.

oakleaffy · 09/08/2020 12:14

Imagine if they put a big mirror on the wall and you could see yourself giving birth...

What, like they do in riding arenas so you can ''Check your position''?
That would be horrid 💯

Smallsteps88 · 09/08/2020 12:14

Whilst I think it is a lovely thing for a father to see his child being born, it is never a right and never his decision. Women get to decide who has access to their bodies and what the conditions for that access are. The person supporting a woman in childbirth should be someone she can trust to prioritise her needs. I’m sure it was a really stressful time for your partner too Op and perhaps he just didn’t realise how important it was to you that he wasn’t watching and made the decision like a reflex action. I would be upset in your shoes too but if he is otherwise a good and respectful partner I’d find a way to make peace with it.

MouthBreathingRage · 09/08/2020 12:15

maybe really desperately wanting to see the moment his child entered the world, he might decide to do so.

His child, his child, his child Hmm.

It was also her child, but more importantly coming out of her body. Its his child once its fully born, a woman has a perfect right to tell her husband not to be in the room at all if if makes her birth any easier. Because that's the only important aspect of birth, getting the mother and child through it safely. What men want doesn't even come into it.

RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Laundrywoman · 09/08/2020 12:16

@Wishimaywishimight

I'm actually finding it quite upsetting how dismissive so many women on here are of the OPs distress. She was absolutely entitled to request that her partner respect her wishes during such a vulnerable experience. His right to see what was going on with her body in no way over-rides her right to bodily integrity.
Shocking, isn't it...the op's express wishes ignored and excused again - on here of all places.
RandomUser3049 · 09/08/2020 12:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mumwon · 09/08/2020 12:17

to be honest my labour was so bad I couldn't care who did what & was just glad that db was born & survived OK though she was rushed to intensive care but with me next morning thank goodness (landed up with student dr there to "view" breech delivery )
Look - does it help that you are angry with him? Please don't let it fester - probably the emotion got in the way & he forgot what you said in his anxiety for you or the excitement of the baby.
They need to do internals quite frequently to check if labour has advanced & maybe you had a sweep & you found it painful? (all of my dc were induced)
As others have said ask for a review it might help you understand the why of things but focus on the outcome - your dc.

Musmerian · 09/08/2020 12:18

OP I’m sorry you had a tough time. Be aware that you don’t have to have any internal exams if you don’t want to. They aren’t really necessary as I discovered after I’d had my first. Refused them for subsequent two and much better.

SummerPoppies · 09/08/2020 12:20

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