Am I being tight or is he?

[Flymeaway4]

My fiancé and I are expecting our first child. We live in my fiancé’s house and I pay him rent of £300/month.

He also rents out 2 rooms of the house to a friend for £515, but because the baby is coming we’ve decided it’s best for him to move out. So, my question is about what my rent should be now.

I suggested he work out the cost of his mortgage and all bills and split it down the middle, which would come to £390. He thinks it should be more......

Together we have purchased a derelict farmhouse, which we intend to refurbish into our forever home - we paid in cash and the refurb should start in about 6-9 months. We’re both fairly well off, earn about the same salary, but he has other houses that he rents out, so he has more cash savings than me. When we purchased the farmhouse, he put in a larger proportion of cash than I did (I’ve so far provided just over 25%) and the intention is that it’ll even out when I pay off the mortgage that we’ll need for the refurb.

I’ll add here that I was a first time buyer and had he been as well we’d have had no stamp duty to pay. But because he owns more than 1 house it put it up to just over £8k. To keep the peace I just paid half.

Since then, he has managed to save all the cash he needs to provide towards the refurb, c. £100k. But he is saying, instead of keeping it as cash and earning nothing from it, he could use it to pay off the mortgage on one of his rental houses now. If he doesn’t do this, we can use the cash for the refurb first, then I could delay getting the refurb mortgage that I need, thereby saving me money (it’s more expensive than a normal mortgage). It would be delayed by about 4 months, but this would mean I can get one with a 1yr term instead of 2 yrs, before remortgaging. So, to compensate for him not paying off his rental property mortgage now, he thinks I should pay half of it as additional rent (an extra £160/month). But, I argued that if he were to pay off his rental mortgage now, then he would also need an expensive refurb mortgage too, so keeping the cash is saving him money as well, not just me.

As an aside, I am not allowed to do my regular job whilst pregnant (not corona related, it’s just how it is) and am working from home, but my take home pay is reduced by about £500/month. So I’m also losing about £4K in total each time I’m pregnant with our child.

Complicated I know, which is why I can’t tell who is being tight/unreasonable.

Someone up thread said you should be paying what you're paying plus what he's losing by the lodger moving out. Fuck that, that means OP would be paying all the mortgage AND Bill's while he pays nothing

SimonJt kerrymucklowe2020

If you're expecting his baby why are you paying him rent?

Having a baby doesn’t absolve you of financial responsibility.

THEY'RE HAVING A BABY ABD GETTING MARRIED!!! SHE'S PAYING RENT FFS!! HE MAY JUST AS WELL BE HER LANDLORD ( Rant over - caps lock off)

Of course he will have rights. He will be the father. With parenthood comes responsibilities too. For both of you.

You need to have some serious and open discussions. For example, do you have any life insurances (both of you) to protect each other against a worse case scenario? What happens if childbirth impacts your long-term health? What if you are unable to return to work, if for example, you have a child with extra needs?

You are going to be parents soon. Please, make sure you are on the same page and have an equal understanding of your life plans, goals, contributions, mutual support, and all that entails.

Assume nothing. Get clarity and agreement.

@kerrymucklowe2020

SimonJt kerrymucklowe2020

If you're expecting his baby why are you paying him rent?

Having a baby doesn’t absolve you of financial responsibility.

THEY'RE HAVING A BABY ABD GETTING MARRIED!!! SHE'S PAYING RENT FFS!! HE MAY JUST AS WELL BE HER LANDLORD ( Rant over - caps lock off)

Of course she is paying rent, or board, or whatever you want to call it.

Why should an adult live anywhere for free?

@weltenbummler yes, thats the plan if we can. If I can go ‘back’ to work, but work from home (which is dependent on my employer), then he’s taking 6 months shared parental leave. I’m hoping to breastfeed, which will make him doing any feeds difficult. But if not, or if I can combine it with pumping, then yes he will share it. I do sometimes worry that he focuses on money too much, especially given that he (we) have enough of it, so why does it become an issue?!

@TimetohittheroadJack I’m hoping that ultimately we both go part time to avoid nursery fees altogether, but Covid may have put the brakes on that. If not then nursery will come from the joint account (we already have one for anything baby related, food shopping etc) and the nursery runs will be split as when I work I’m away for days at a time (in fact, he’d probably end up doing most of them). I think you’re right that this is a good time to figure all of this out beforehand instead of afterwards.

@PaquitaVariation I work away from home and get overnight expenses, which I’m now no longer getting, as I can’t do that job, so am working from home.

@Still1nLove My current income is not £500/month, that’s how much my income is reduced because I can’t do my normal job whilst pregnant.

@ivfdreaming no, wedding is definitely happening! But the house is more important

@MrsGrindah I’m not sure why you’re under the impression that we think the house is more important than the baby?! Our family will always come first (for us both), but the house is important for our family and our future too. It’s our forever home, with half an acre of beautiful gardens, in a lovely little village and means we can move out of the new build estate that’s overcrowded, with loud neighbours, where people drive too fast and the smell of weed occasionally wafts in (still haven’t worked out where from!)

@LannieDuck Maternity leave is a bit tricky. I’m saving for it, if I need to take it, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to continue working from home (the work is not taxing or too time consuming, I could easily do it around a baby)

You're planning to carry on working after you've given birth? Is there a plan b if that doesn't pan out?

@Flymeaway4 couldn’t you just set up a joint account for bills? Work out how much utilities and WiFi are a month and halve it? Or perhaps he pays 2/3 and you pay a 1/3 seeing as you’re on maternity leave? Seems a bit weird to be having a child with him, but still paying rent like a lodger.

Ask him why he is trying to profit from you.
Remind him that the lodger moved out because of his baby, and that now he is trying to charge you for being pregnant.
I'd let him pay off the mortgage on his house, he can always remortgage it or sell it and use the money to do up the farm house, if you feel there isn't enough money, remind him that it will be his child's home.

I think paying half of outgoings (£390) is fair but review this when your income drops whilst on mat leave. Ensure all the baby's expenses are covered by you both-decide at which percentage each.
I don't feel you should be paying more due to the lodger leaving--establishing a family is costly and was a joint decision. Yes, he has reduced income but that is not for you to cover so he has reduced outgoings. Sounds like you and the lodger were covering all the household outgoings beforehand.

I don't see why he can't put that £100K towards the refurbed house and have it ring-fenced but it sounds complex.

Hope things work out. Congrats on the baby.

SimonJT Of course she is paying rent, or board, or whatever you want to call it.

Why should an adult live anywhere for free?

Do you / would you pay your DH "rent' or "board" or whatever.

I wouldn't - I'd pay my share but as a couple not as fucking rent or board!!!!

I don’t get it
You are getting married (well, allegedly anyway), planning the rest of your lives together and expecting a child together
Every part of your lives is planned to be intertwined and yet you are both acting as if this is some sort of business transaction, where the value brought by each individual can only measured in pounds and pence
You (him even more so) seem to be planning more for the divorce and protecting your individual assets than the marriage

@AllsortsofAwkward flippant it may have been, but I was simply trying to point out that’s he’s not going to just ‘kick me out’! It’s his baby too and he has a lot more invested in our joint assets than I do., so why would he?! This is just one aspect of our relationship, you know nothing about the rest of it. We are very happy and I do see a future, otherwise I wouldn’t have said yes or had his baby. Everyone has good and bad points, this post is about his one bad point (that he can be a tight git sometimes!), so perhaps it’s best not to judge based solely on this?!

@kerrymucklowe2020 do you not pay your way in the world then? Does someone else pay for you to live with a roof over your head? I have a good job, so I currently and always intend to pay a sum of money towards our living expenses (the mortgage cost and bills), I’ve called it ‘rent’ for short. You may call it something else if you wish.

@SlowDown76mph that’s what we’re doing at the moment. We’re trying to sort these things out before the baby arrives. But sometimes it’s good to get perspective from an outsider, hence my post here

@kerrymucklowe2020

SimonJT Of course she is paying rent, or board, or whatever you want to call it.

Why should an adult live anywhere for free?

Do you / would you pay your DH "rent' or "board" or whatever.

I wouldn't - I'd pay my share but as a couple not as fucking rent or board!!!!

Of course I would pay a partner board if I was living in their home, I’m not a freeloader.

You do realise paying your share when you’re not married and don’t own the property is paying board.

FYI *SimonJT"
I AM living with my DP and I am contributing to the bills etc as a COUPLE. When we get married and have DC if I'm not working , he's not and NEVER will be my LANDLORD, It's not a business transaction/ arrangement.

I thought you paid "board" to your parents "rent" to your landlord. Note to self - must tell DP to sort me rent book!!!!!!!

@kerrymucklowe2020

FYI *SimonJT" I AM living with my DP and I am contributing to the bills etc as a COUPLE. When we get married and have DC if I'm not working , he's not and NEVER will be my LANDLORD, It's not a business transaction/ arrangement.

The OPs partner isn’t her landlord either.

So you’re contributing to bills but have a problem with the OP contributing to bills.

"So you’re contributing to bills but have a problem with the OP contributing to bills."

She's not contributing to bills she's paying rent (refer back to the first post ............)

"The OPs partner isn’t her landlord either."

So why is she paying him rent ????!!!!

@kerrymucklowe2020

"So you’re contributing to bills but have a problem with the OP contributing to bills."

She's not contributing to bills she's paying rent (refer back to the first post ............)

As an adult surely you’re capable of realising that means shes contributing to bills and a small amount of the mortgage?

Would you like a special new word to be invented for that?

As an adult surely you’re capable of realising that means shes contributing to bills and a small amount of the mortgage?

Would you like a special new word to be invented for that?

There's already a word - its called "equal"
Would you like someone else to explain to you what paying "rent" means

I think it's great that you're trying to figure this out now, before mat leave etc.

I suggest this, based on my experience of having a partner significantly outearn me. Long term relationships/marriage turns you into a family, and any costs become the family costs - and any income is family income. You could work out the proportion of your costs to your income - eg if the family's expenses are 55% of total income then you both put 55% of your income into a joint pot. That way it is proportionately fair, even if the actual amounts vary.

You'll be on a reduced income (well you are now already) over mat leave and you'll both be jointly responsible for any childcare costs if they come up. But whatever you do get you can still contribute your proportionate amount in. So the family's overall income reduces, and your percentage of income that you pay into the joint pot rises - for both of you!

I think the main point is that if you're going to have a baby, you're going to become bonded as a family and it's not something that you just up and chuck off, as I know you know! Families are like mini socialism, you all put in to make sure everyone is taken care of. People bring lots of different things to a relationship beyond money, and if he lost everything overnight I'm sure you'd take care of him.

@gamerchick yes, I’m saving, so I can continue to contribute during my maternity leave.

@Pandacub7 yes we could and this may happen as various utilities contract are renewed, but overall it wouldn't make any difference to what I’m proposing to pay towards our living costs overall (ie. 50%), just how it’s paid.

@Lifeisabeach09 yes, it is complex, that’s why I found it hard to tell if I was being unreasonable or if he was being tight again! I think your percentage idea may be a good one, especially as Covid has made my future earnings a bit more of an unknown in the short term. In the longer term, it’s likely my earning will go above his, so I guess it’ll even out then.

What word is used is emotive but irrelevant to the situation

Landlord/rent are terms which convey a very unbalanced level of power between the 2 people. It’s exactly the same as the OP ‘paying towards shared outgoings’ for the house they live in, but that gets no one hot under the collar over terms like that

Why would you start a family with a man as tight as this?

@HoneyWheeler thank you for your input, that’s really helpful. I think I will look into the percentage method, as you and other have suggested. It’ll keep it fair and even no matter who earns what through our lives.