Am I being tight or is he?

[Flymeaway4]

My fiancé and I are expecting our first child. We live in my fiancé’s house and I pay him rent of £300/month.

He also rents out 2 rooms of the house to a friend for £515, but because the baby is coming we’ve decided it’s best for him to move out. So, my question is about what my rent should be now.

I suggested he work out the cost of his mortgage and all bills and split it down the middle, which would come to £390. He thinks it should be more......

Together we have purchased a derelict farmhouse, which we intend to refurbish into our forever home - we paid in cash and the refurb should start in about 6-9 months. We’re both fairly well off, earn about the same salary, but he has other houses that he rents out, so he has more cash savings than me. When we purchased the farmhouse, he put in a larger proportion of cash than I did (I’ve so far provided just over 25%) and the intention is that it’ll even out when I pay off the mortgage that we’ll need for the refurb.

I’ll add here that I was a first time buyer and had he been as well we’d have had no stamp duty to pay. But because he owns more than 1 house it put it up to just over £8k. To keep the peace I just paid half.

Since then, he has managed to save all the cash he needs to provide towards the refurb, c. £100k. But he is saying, instead of keeping it as cash and earning nothing from it, he could use it to pay off the mortgage on one of his rental houses now. If he doesn’t do this, we can use the cash for the refurb first, then I could delay getting the refurb mortgage that I need, thereby saving me money (it’s more expensive than a normal mortgage). It would be delayed by about 4 months, but this would mean I can get one with a 1yr term instead of 2 yrs, before remortgaging. So, to compensate for him not paying off his rental property mortgage now, he thinks I should pay half of it as additional rent (an extra £160/month). But, I argued that if he were to pay off his rental mortgage now, then he would also need an expensive refurb mortgage too, so keeping the cash is saving him money as well, not just me.

As an aside, I am not allowed to do my regular job whilst pregnant (not corona related, it’s just how it is) and am working from home, but my take home pay is reduced by about £500/month. So I’m also losing about £4K in total each time I’m pregnant with our child.

Complicated I know, which is why I can’t tell who is being tight/unreasonable.

I guess I’ve not been clear. The mortgage and bills comes to £780/month total. I currently pay £300 and the lodger (who rents 2 rooms) pays £515, which includes all bills. The lodger is moving out, so we’re trying to work out what is fair for me to pay from then on. That’s why I suggested £390, ie half the total mortgage and bills, so my fiancé and I each contribute the same towards living here

If you're having a baby together and you're getting married I'd just have a joint account. It's family money, not yours and his.

Either that or work out how much you've been limited with your job due to being pregnant and bill him for half. He's 50% responsible for your unborn child. I'd also work out how much childcare you'll be doing above a 50% split and again, bill him for it. You are both having the child, you shouldn't suffer financially or have your career prospects limited when he still gets to progress and earn!

This situation is so fucked up. You're getting married and having his baby and he's charging you rent? Are you insane?

OP what was his reasoning for you to pay more than half the living expenses?

@BackwardsGoing so what would you suggest? He pays the mortgage and bills and I have no expenses?! I work and I don’t just earn a token salary, I’m relatively well paid. I have no reason to expect him to pay my way and don’t want him to.

Paying £390 ie half mortgage and bills if you earn the same money is reasonable, paying any more absolutely isn't. And when you return to work and have childcare fees..... he'll be paying half of those too.

Don't call it rent for a start!

All household and child related expenses from a joint account. Add to the joint account according to your incomes (what are your work plans once you have the baby?

You know that he could kick you out tomorrow and you would have no rights to stay in that house?

All the stuff about the refurb and his savings are separate.

Firstly, work out %s of rent/mortgage and bills. What's fair - 50:50? If he thinks you should pay more, why? I would argue that you should pay less because the pregnancy has adversely affected your earnings.

What's the arrangement for finances on maternity leave? Will you be expected to continue contributing X%? What will the arrangements be for housework, and childcare on weekends? Is he taking any parental leave (please, please suggest he does so). What about when you go back to work - who will be doing the nursery runs and who will take time off when DC becomes ill (which they will, frequently in the first year)? Are you considering PT? What will the finances look like then?

Once you've resolved all of that, then you can discuss refurbs and savings etc. Think of it like a house renovation project - if you don't get your foundations right (i.e. dividing living expenses fairly during maternity leave and after), it won't matter what the decor looks like (whether you use his savings for the refurb or the rental house), because the house will be liable to collapse.

@AhNowTed essentially because he has more cash tied up in the house, that we own jointly together, than I do. He has quantified it as £100k cash to put towards the refurb next summer, but he could use that to pay off one of his mortgages now instead. If he did, that would save him £320/month on the mortgage. But, If he doesn’t, we can use the cash to start the refurb and delay me taking out a mortgage for the rest of the refurb, so he’s arguing it’ll save me money.

What is he planning to pay you for the time you are on maternity leave and the impact a pregnancy will have on career progression?or is he planning to take as much time off as you and will share all the night waking etc equally with you?

@Pittapitta

Also I find it a bit funny he charged to £300 at all to live there when a lodger was paying 500 and his bills come to 700 so basically he wasn’t paying anything towards house or bills when he had you and lodger.

That’s what I was thinking.

This reads like the precursor to all the threads where the posters partner expects everything to be halved exactly despite him earning theee times as much and the poster been part time to facilitate childcare.
There’s always someone who suggests that this should be all sorted before hand.

Here’s your chance OP, what’s the plan when you are on maternity leave, or the plan for childcare if you go back to work? Are you going to be left paying that? Is he willing to do half the nursery runs, half the night feeds?

If the answer is no, your salary is going to take a hit. How are you also going to pay the refurb mortgage? Are you expected to go without while he saves all his money from his rentals?

If you plan on being a family, then it’s time to have a joint account. Fair enough a separate one for the rentals if he wants. All money in the pot, you both get personal spends and everything else gets paid from the pot.

@weltenbummler

What is he planning to pay you for the time you are on maternity leave and the impact a pregnancy will have on career progression?or is he planning to take as much time off as you and will share all the night waking etc equally with you?

This He is selfish - what kind of man expects his pregnant fiancee to pay him rent? His lodger and you were from the sound of it covering the whole mortgage ,and more ,between you. If you pay half the mortgage, will you get half the equity?

Why is your salary reduced when you’re pregnant?

As for the rest of it, joint account with both paying in proportion to what you earn, to cover household expenses. The refurb money etc is too complicated for me to work out but again, should be in proportion to what you earn, not just a straightforward 50:50 split.

Your share of rent and bills should be proportional to your income. If your current income is £500 pm how can you afford £780 towards the household.

It all sounds very complicated.

He was on a nice little earner when you and the lodger were covering all the mortgage and bills - wasn't costing him a penny - no wonder he has all those savings.

Ask him why he's trying to make a profit out of you

Well this is very complicated 🤦‍♀️

More complicated than needs to be!

1- I find it weird he had/has a lodger when you moved in giving how wealthy he is.

2- I imagine he is charging you "rent" and you are happy to pay so that you can claim no financial benefit on the property you currently live in if you broke up - which is fine and sensible from his perspective

3 - if the £100k is his savings then until your married I suppose it's up to him how he wants to manage his financial affairs.....BUT this sounds like an engagement with no wedding at the end of it to be honest. And if I'm honest I've no Idea why you would choose to have a baby with the man when he clearly treats you like just another business decision/negotiation

4 - No I wouldn't pay towards the cost on this other rental property if he uses the £100k cash to finance the refurbishment - I'd tell him he was being a cheeky fucker

Reading your posts his main focus appears to be to protect his own finances rather than looking at creating a family with you where you are in it together and help each other- be it financially or in the amount of time and sacrifice you both commit to makingfamilylife work. You need to challenge him on coming clean on what his priorities actually are...you and your baby's wellbeing in a joint future or his wealth?

Why are you paying rent when you're having a child together? Surely finances at that stage should be joint? What happens when you're incomes reduced on mat leave are you still expected to make the rent and bills, it doesn't sound like a paternship at all, this is well on it way to financial abuse. There was a woman who had a thread with the same situation, expected to contribute equal amount despite childcare and an another pregnancy which will reduce her income again, the last pregnancy she used her savings to contribute. Surely man should be aware that the woman takes on the primary carer role and therefore her earning potential is affected in the majority of cases.

Sorry but this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. You are having a child together..your baby should come first not the bloody house! Sit down and talk it out like adults. Also think about the legal protection your unborn child needs . Have you considered a civil partnership? There’s plenty of money between you by the sounds of it so this is more about relationship boundaries and values rather than affordability.

@BackwardsGoing does it matter what I call it? I’m not sure what I would call it besides rent?!

I love my job and I’m planning to keep it, but 75% part time. But not while I’m breastfeeding, I’ll be on maternity leave or working from home then. Once I do go back properly I think (well, I thought...then Covid happened, so who knows!) we’ll both go 75% and try to work it so we’ll need little or no paid childcare.

I’m aware he could., but I’m not sure of your point? Equally, we’re not married yet and he’d have no rights to the baby! He also has a lot more money tied up in the farmhouse than I do and we own that jointly, so he’d stand to lose a lot there if he did kick me out.

@LannieDuck Maternity leave is a bit tricky. I’m saving for it, if I need to take it, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to continue working from home (the work is not taxing or too time consuming, I could easily do it around a baby). But due to Covid there have been redundancies and a LOT of cost cutting at my work, so this option may not exist when the time comes. If I can do this, then I’m planning to give him half my maternity leave, as he can take shared parental leave at full pay, whereas mine is just statutory.

Once I go back properly, we’ll share all that stuff, we’ll have to. When I work I’m away for 2-5 days at a time and often weekends, so if I’m not there he’ll do all running around and will have to leave to care for the child if they’re sick.

We’re both considering part time once I go back properly. Hoping that will prevent most or all nursery fees and we’ll spend more time together as a family too.

I like your analogy too! And it does make sense. If either of us feel our overall costs have been split unfairly, it’ll cause cracks in our relationship.

It feels awful that we’re discussing this, nether of us struggle financially, so I hate that it might become an issue

What a faff. Just join your finances together across the board. Unless you're both not in for the long haul.

‘Rent’ shouldn’t come into it. Only pay half the outgoings. Anything you have bleach over can go into your savings, for you to do what you want with. Don’t let him convince you to pay more so that he can use the extra money he is saving to shore up his own investments.

I’m aware he could., but I’m not sure of your point? Equally, we’re not married yet and he’d have no rights to the baby

I think you find he does have a right to see his child, regardless if youre not married. What a strange comment to come out with if you're happy and see a future. Im another poster who sees this as a engagement with no marriage at the end of it.