Can’t sit in my garden

[Crackers6642]

I’m feeling really anxious even stepping foot outside my property. DH is thinking I’m being silly. I’m hoping someone on here will help me as you have in past. I feel over several years neighbours have been encroaching my personal space. They just don’t seem to understand boundaries (literal boundaries! Not metaphorical). I feel suffocated in this house. We put up higher fences and already have high bushes and trees in place but I feel awkward around them. The other ndn don’t make me feel like this, I’m happy to sit out when they’re there and feel no awkwardness. I don’t want to spoil another day sitting inside. I want to enjoy my garden with my husband and our kids. I can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to waste my time. It was literal hell when the fence was low and I thought things might change with higher fence, they did to some degree but then lockdown happened.

@Shizzlestix You might like to look at this- planning and heights allowed. You say it's a 'structure' - is that a building or a fence?

www.planningni.gov.uk/index/.../advice_home_fences.htm#:~:text=Walls%20and%20Fences&text=The%20wall%20or%20fence%20is,is%20restricted%20to%201%20metre.

Tell the kids its rude to stare into peoples gardens.

If they do it again, tell them to fuck off. They will tell their parents and you can legitimately say you had asked them not to.

Actions have consequences and youre never too young to learn that and to learn boundaries.

@JinglingHellsBells a pergola

@Crackers6642 I can empathise, I really can. Not for this specific situation but the feeling of social anxiety especially at the moment with the virus. However, I do think that you’re being very irrational and would probably benefit greatly from CBT or counselling xx

I get you. We had this with next doors kids. They'd even shout into our kitchen if I had the backdoor open. Thankfully they moved. However, our garden is small and I feel suffocated, trapped, and surrounded. I hate hearing other people. I hate their music, their firepits and hottubs. I just can't relax.

I need a wide open space. Unfortunately thats isn't what I have and this is the way it is. We are a small island and there are a lot of people. Hard, when you are not a people person. I'm much more at peace when its windy and cold, rather than this sunny weather.

@Shizzlestix A pergola isn't a fence or a building. it's an arch for growing a plant up. Fences and buildings are different; they are a) boundaries and b) a permanent building with 4 walls. (eg summer house, shed, home office.)

@JinglingHellsBells so I should be ok? The idea is that plants will grow up it like an arch we have elsewhere and add a couple of feet! Pergola with either dwarf fruit trees or obelisks either side so where we cut down the trees, we create a good screen.

There is no rule about the height of supports for plants. Only if you put up a fence all the way round somewhere. @Shizzlestix

We overlook our neighbours garden I can add to our wall.as ii would cut out there light too much so growing things to give them some privacy but hopefully still leave some light. If I was in their side I would have planted the wall up and put in lots of shrubs etc to give a bit of height maybe a sail? I do try not to look in as would hate it myself!

My neighbour 2 doors down looked out his upstairs window unknowing that I was outside working out. He was more embarrassed when he locked eyes with me than I was

This is so sad to read.

Where I live, my nearest neighbours are about half a mile away with fields in between so no-one overlooks us but I actually miss having nice neighbours.

Years ago, I lived in a modern tiny City semi and we got on really well with our attached neighbours. One Saturday, the wife next door and I went shopping together, as we often did, and when we got home we discovered that our husbands had converted the large 6ft x6ft fence panel that divided the two patio areas of our gardens into a gate with hinges. It was BRILLIANT.

Our two back gardens were quite small but opening the gate we got to share one big patio area. We often had BBQ’s and meals together. I have so many happy memories living next door to Bob & Liz (not real names).

Sadly my DH cheated, we split up and I ended up moving hundreds of miles away but they’re still together and I’m sure they’re still the best neighbours anyone could ask for.

I’ve no useful advice because I’ve never been an introvert or suffered from social anxiety, but I would urge you to get help to control your fears rather than live your life avoiding difficult situations.

For the OP.

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Some of these responses are highly unsupportive. You don't need anxiety to become completely overwhelmed by this sort of intrusion into your personal space
( yes it is in many ways even if just psychologically). I don't have anxiety, yet, this would be difficult for me if it was continual and I felt tension and discomfort from the neighbours (which OP is clearly feeling and is probably deliberate if they had their nose put out by any confrontation).
Someone suggested going round with flowers etc. This doesn't really address the underlying problem and may suggest you feel you are entirely at fault. However, if they are approachable and you feel confident to do so, it sounds like you may benefit from speaking to them diplomatically, apologising for the outburst but explaining that you have stressful days etc, your garden is your sanctuary and the peace and privacy is your only escape sometimes. It's nothing against the kids who are clearly just having fun etc etc but I hope you understand. Something like that would probably go a bit of a way.
You are completely entitled to feel this way. It's just about how it's handled. We have all blown our tops and regretted it at some point but delicate handling can bring most people round. x

Some people are lonely and would be grateful for interaction with others.

Id be getting a sprikler and setting it up. When they are near the fence, turn on and watch them disappear. If they moan say they are breaking your right to privacy.

headphones and sunglasses
set the boundaries

personally I LOVE sharing veg seedlings and a chat over the garden fence
but folks are folks

Some people are lonely and would be grateful for interaction with others.

Some would and some wouldn’t. It has to be a two way street and it’s perfectly fine for OP not to want that intrusion into her life.

Put trellis on top of the fence and grow some climbing roses up it.
I did and now I'm left alone. My garden is my haven and after months of awkward conversations about covid and death rates I'd had enough.
I am an introvert who tries to be sociable but to do that I need to decompress from the racket. I use my garden to decompress. I read and potter about. I love silence or bird song not "erree have you heard the latest.. Etc etc" so I put trellis on top of the fence and grew some lovely roses.. It stops noise and noses from peeking over. Like the creepy bloke watching my 11 Yr in the paddling pool through binoculars... He got a mouthful which left me exhausted and scared. We didn't use the garden for a month. Now it's private and we can relax. A bit.. He runs when he sees me coming.. Might have been the threat to castrate him with a couple of house bricks that did it but who care he stays away now.. Still anxious and overly alert..

YABU and this whole situation is something you've made up in your head. You're projecting your anxieties on to your neighbours.

You've had a confrontation a few years back and it wasn't even that dramatic from the little you've mentioned, your neighbours have moved on but you haven't.

You've clearly decided post confrontation that you don't like them at all and you want nothing to do with them but not being mind readers they are totally unaware of how you feel.

This is your problem to resolve and your anxiety is disproportionate to the situation at hand so go to the GP, get some beta blockers and sit outside in 5 minute bursts until you feel comfortable.

If you really do feel that strongly about personal space then you need to tell them to stop encroaching on your space and give them examples so they at least understand where you're coming from. Be kind but firm.

Put a sail up so you sit with your back angled away from their garden take a book or earphones and iPad . Just get a chair and take a cup of tea or coffee at first then come in . Second time extend the time get busy in the garden plant something . Honestly it’s not worth stewing over its obviously not a problem to them . If there’s any chance of sorting it out see if you can . If you could just start a conversation with a bunch of flowers maybe 😊

I completely understand what you mean OP and I DO sympathise. I used to have the same problem in previous years. Next door neighbour’s children would be out playing in the summer, which they are absolutely entitled to do, but the noise used to drive me crazy.
As a result of depression I started to take anti-depressants and as a consequence of that next doors children don’t bother me anymore. I am much more chilled out about things. I am absolutely NOT suggesting you should take anti depressants to cope with this but some of us are more sensitive to noise which is probably why it doesn’t bother your other half. It may be worth having a chat with your doctor, particularly if you are feeling down about things in general, but also as another person said earplugs/headphones can be another way to go. Good luck.

I could have written this! So glad it's not just me who feels like this. Had neighbours once whose children would come into our yard. Didn't really like that, then one day they let the rabbit out. I was fuming. Luckily I found him

54JinglingHellsBells
Failing that, sunbathe nude and they might back off.

Oh my God, that would be perfect for mine. Went from size 10 to a 22 (go to hell, stick insects) and that would send them back home screaming, or vomiting 😂🤣

I have had builders in the garden next door for months and they did try to say hi at the start and chat but I usually ignored them and pretended not to hear them and they stopped. I don't care if they think I'm rude, they're nothing to do with me and I don't want to talk to them. Now I'm happy to work out or sunbathe in my garden when I want to. If your neighbours look over the fence or talk to you, just ignore, they will get bored.

I totally understand what u r feeling coz I also hate Over friendliness with neighbours they are not my friends and I don’t feel comfortable seeing them , talking to them or having them around , and the peering over the fence constantly would drive me insane and it’s not polite to do so , but in my experience with people if they are that type of people they won’t get where you are coming from and things wouldn’t change or they will for a time then get back to the usual if I got really annoyed one day I might explode on them just like u did , the feeling anxious about the confrontation is something you have to overcome yourself , I have social anxiety and am working on it .

Thank you everyone and so lovely to hear stories. I’m sorry a lot of you going/have gone through this. I think what gets me more and the reason for my reaction is that I judge people by my standards - i wouldn’t cause a nuisance to others and wouldn’t let my kids be a nuisance to others. I’ve done a lot of thinking recently. I think I need to stop being so conscious of them. I had my reasons for exploding at them as I’ve put up with so much over the years. Life is short, I’m going to enjoy my garden and at same time if they piss me off I will ignore them. I think when you’re unhappy things seem bigger than they actually are. I need to make myself stronger and work through my insecurities. I hate being looked at so this exacerbates when they stand there looking at me! I know I’ve got a long way to go and thank you so much for your kind words. I’ve screenshot all the messages that helped and there so many! Sorry I haven’t individually thanked you all who gave given me the courage to actually get out there.