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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t sit in my garden

131 replies

Crackers6642 · 08/08/2020 14:11

I’m feeling really anxious even stepping foot outside my property. DH is thinking I’m being silly. I’m hoping someone on here will help me as you have in past. I feel over several years neighbours have been encroaching my personal space. They just don’t seem to understand boundaries (literal boundaries! Not metaphorical). I feel suffocated in this house. We put up higher fences and already have high bushes and trees in place but I feel awkward around them. The other ndn don’t make me feel like this, I’m happy to sit out when they’re there and feel no awkwardness. I don’t want to spoil another day sitting inside. I want to enjoy my garden with my husband and our kids. I can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to waste my time. It was literal hell when the fence was low and I thought things might change with higher fence, they did to some degree but then lockdown happened.

OP posts:
LillianBland · 08/08/2020 16:36

While you’re waiting for the gazebo, put up a washing line and keep a basket of pillow cases, tea towels, etc and quickly pop them on the line as soon as you plan on using the garden. After all, you’ll only sit in it when it’s dry, so they can be taken off and popped back in the basket to refuse.

oakleaffy · 08/08/2020 16:44

Peashooter or water pistol?
The minute a head bobs up over the fence, aim for the forehead..
See it as a game.

OhCaptain · 08/08/2020 16:47

I was a chat over the fence neighbour.

Why though?!

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice when you get on with your neighbours but a chat over the fence is very intrusive.

A back garden is, IMO, an outdoor extension of your home. It’s not like being on the front street or a park. It’s private.

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/08/2020 16:50

I don’t feel this is my issue to be honest I feel it’s them overstepping boundaries.
If neighbours chatting over the fence makes your life a literal hell the issue is entirely yours.

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/08/2020 16:50

I know how this will sound but they’re always in my face
I feel for you OP.
I used to live in a flat with a large wraparound communal garden, yet everytime i went out to sit anywhere in it with my friend/s, my next door neighbour would 'have' to be out too......it was blatant violating of my boundaries and privacy but they're so manipulative that you can't really say anything can you?

i ended up being really blunt with my neighbor and actually telling him to NOT do it - but you can guess what response i got....

oakleaffy · 08/08/2020 16:50

OP, if it is kids, steadfastly ignore them.
We used to have a ghastly neighbour who , when her direct neighbours put up a higher fence, got something to stand on, and she's out down the garden at them.
They would be sitting down to their evening meal, and regular as clockwork, she'd bob her unlovely head over the fence.

Leering. She made the neighbours so uncomfortable that two of them moved...because of her.

jessstan2 · 08/08/2020 16:56

@OhCaptain

I was a chat over the fence neighbour.

Why though?!

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice when you get on with your neighbours but a chat over the fence is very intrusive.

A back garden is, IMO, an outdoor extension of your home. It’s not like being on the front street or a park. It’s private.

I agree, it is best to have fences high enough to prevent that. However I understand the op did put up a higher fence.
WendyHoused · 08/08/2020 16:58

Ha! my neighbour and I chat so much over the hedge that we've cut a "coffee window" in it and have a chair either side so we can have a (socially distanced) cuppa or glass of wine and a chat.

I'm sure if you politely explained that you prefer not to chat over the fence they would be fine about it.

Ohffs66 · 08/08/2020 17:03

I feel a bit like this OP (although my neighbours are behind a 6ft fence and wouldn't dream of peering over!), they are very sociable and have lots of friends and family over, and usually it's just me in our garden as DH isn't fussed on sitting out. It just makes me feel self conscious for some reason even though I know they can't see me unless they look out of an upstairs window. I bought a gazebo with walls and just put the wall on on that side, it makes me much more relaxed.

unlikelytobe · 08/08/2020 17:12

"The reason why you find me unapproachable is because I don't want you to approach me!" Perhaps too blunt for some but I feel like saying it sometimes. Hell is other people and all that....

fairydustandpixies · 08/08/2020 17:38

I have the same thing, the moment I step out of my back door a NDN appears wanting a chat for three hours! They are lovely both sides but sometimes I just want to be quiet. I suffer from anxiety and depression though. What I do now is go out wearing a big pair of headphones and dark sunglasses and pretend I can't see/hear them when I don't want to talk! Saying that, I've just done the dog poo run and watered my plants crouched down so they couldn't see me! 🤭

Piper100 · 08/08/2020 17:44

I’m exactly like you OP. I can’t stand being in the garden when my neighbours are in theirs as they’re really friendly and sometimes I just don’t want to converse. I have social anxiety, so it can be difficult summoning up the energy to speak to people.

We have a low fence too and am desperate to get a higher one so I can enjoy my garden in peace. I do like my neighbours and will chat when I’m in a good frame of mind, but we can do that out the front.

One thing I learned from Mumsnet is some people are not sympathetic to those with MH issues. “Growing a pair” or “Grow a spine” are really hurtful comments when you can’t control how you feel. However, I’m assuming you have some sort of anxiety, which may be wrong?

fuckingcovid · 08/08/2020 17:50

If they stand on chairs to engage you in conversation despite youre saying you don't want them to do it, is crackers. You could always sit so close to the fence they can't see you

Shizzlestix · 08/08/2020 17:53

We're in the process of applying for a taller fence as it's already 6ft but the ground is raised on their side in the process of applying for a taller fence as it's already 6ft but the ground is raised on their side

In the U.K., I believe 8ft is the Max permitted, so are you sure you need to apply?

You sound a bit paranoid

And you sound a bit of a bitch.

I would also hate to be intruded on by neighbours. My fences are all 6 foot bar one which is being rectified next week. I don’t want to talk to anyone other than someone I’ve invited in whilst using my garden.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/08/2020 17:54

@Crackers6642 so you have a six foot high fence and they stand on chairs to see over and talk?

HUGE invasion of your privacy.

Have they no manners or self awareness.

My advice is you go round to see them and say you are happy to be a good neighbour, BUT you don't want them peering into your garden to try to make conversation, and that's why you have a high fence.

It's not actually something I have ever known any neighbours do so yours are definitely odd.

If you don't want to talk to them, maybe your husband/ partner can pop round and have a word?

Failing that, sunbathe nude and they might back off.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/08/2020 17:54

@Shizzlestix No it's 6 ft , not 8.

FreddieMac · 08/08/2020 17:57

Also get very mirrored sunglasses plus the obvious headphones. Smile and wave but don’t engage.

How about lots of watering with the hose? Get them ‘accidentally’ wet a few times?

Shizzlestix · 08/08/2020 18:03

No it's 6 ft , not 8.

Hmm, I’ll have another look at the regs, we’re getting an 8 ft structure to screen the neighbours after removing some crazy trees. I doubt they’ll mind compared to 40ft trees! (I hope!)

LightgreenBanana · 08/08/2020 18:05

Invite a naturist group round. 😂

They might take offence at being used to scare off your neighbours, so you’d have to be honest.

Unfortunately your neighbours might want to join in.

Second unfortunate effect might be, that you, have to join in

😂😂🤣🤣

sonjadog · 08/08/2020 18:12

I have a gazebo in my garden to give privacy. I like my neighbours but the hedge on one side is only waist height and if they are out in the garden and we are out in the garden, you really are just looking at each other. The gazebo is angled so that we can have privacy. It is also great for really hot days and the sides can be added or removed as you like, so you can do a lot with it.

Neverforget2020 · 08/08/2020 18:34

What is it about them that frightens you?

eveningfalls · 08/08/2020 18:39

The majority of people only care about themselves and how they present themselves to the world, this is the reality, they really don't care what you are doing OP. Do you really care what they are doing?

OhCaptain · 08/08/2020 18:46

If they don’t care what OP is doing why are they standing on chairs to see over her fence?

jessstan2 · 08/08/2020 18:52

[quote Crackers6642]@chatterbugmegastar they stand on chairs. The bushes don’t cover all across. It’s the lack of privacy I hate. I feel I’m being watched![/quote]
If any of them stand on chairs to talk to you in the garden, suggest they knock at the door some time because you don't like talking over the garden fence. I have to say I think they are extremely odd to do that.

In the meantime, keep working to increase barriers.