Can’t sit in my garden

[Crackers6642]

I’m feeling really anxious even stepping foot outside my property. DH is thinking I’m being silly. I’m hoping someone on here will help me as you have in past. I feel over several years neighbours have been encroaching my personal space. They just don’t seem to understand boundaries (literal boundaries! Not metaphorical). I feel suffocated in this house. We put up higher fences and already have high bushes and trees in place but I feel awkward around them. The other ndn don’t make me feel like this, I’m happy to sit out when they’re there and feel no awkwardness. I don’t want to spoil another day sitting inside. I want to enjoy my garden with my husband and our kids. I can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to waste my time. It was literal hell when the fence was low and I thought things might change with higher fence, they did to some degree but then lockdown happened.

Thank you everyone so lovely and kind of you all. I’m sat outside now! I’m reading all your messages. Gazebo sounds like a brilliant idea. I don’t think I should apologise for the confrontation, husband doesn’t think it was a confrontation he thinks I was just giving them a piece of my mind, but to me I feel like it was the biggest fight of my life lol! I don’t do confrontations at all. The “words/confrontation” only happened recently so not sure if it’s had an effect as first time I’ve come outside since. Thank you so much for your encouragement and understanding. I know it sounds crazy and I hope one day I’ll read this back and think “wow what was I thinking” x

@HopelessSemantics I understand every word you’ve just written. Just remember you’re obviously not alone x

There are parasol covers with integrated bug screens or canopy chairs with bug screens - all of these give additional privacy as well as being functional:

www.kelsyus.com/original-canopy-chair-with-bug-guard-p-208.aspx

www.amazon.co.uk/Venus-valink-Umbrella-Mosquito-Umbrellas/dp/B07WM1SZQ8/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe you’re not old! I still have my Walkman from the 90’s lol! Mist kids had those potable CD player thingies but I had my Walkman!

You sound a bit paranoid.

I think there are 2 issues here...
Firstly them getting chairs to come and talk at you is a step too far in neighbourly relations. I would look into options that mean that you can further enclose that border - higher trellis with plants, sail/umbrella coverings, one side enclosed gazebo etc.
Secondly please look into how you can learn to manage and control your anxiety. I understand there are a lot of techniques like cbt and I bet there are apps to help you. It must be exhausting to have those intrusive thoughts and there is no need for them to limit your life. Its not being an introvert really because I count myself as one of those - social interactions exhaust me and I try to limit them so I am not overwhelmed but they do not stop me from doing normal regular activities. You have an annoying neighbour that has created a tipping point in your anxiety... Good luck

I'm a master of letting people know that I don't want to talk to them, there's two golden rules

1. If they start a conversation with you always give as brief an answer as possible, I'm talking a one word answer

1. Never ask them any questions so you're not building on the conversation they've tried to start. Therefore the conversation ends almost immediately

I occasionally do this with a couple of people at work. They now don't bother talking to me

they will stand on things and have conversations over the fence.

My neighbour used to do this and I hated it so I know how you feel OP. I put in a taller fence and fast growing prickly shrubs and then I just started to ignore them. Put headphones on, pretend they are not there yelling and trying to get my attention and get on with whatever I am doing. Eventually they stopped but it did take a while.

“Oh hello neighbour.“

“Sorry, I’m just going to enjoy the garden, do you mind giving me some privacy. Chat later. ( smile) Bye.“

Not rude or confrontational.

Why on earth do people do this?? It’s so weird to me!

Leave people the fuck alone in their own gardens!

Who stands on a chair to talk to someone??

This really isn’t normal for your neighbours.

Recently I had cause to be standing near the fence (DS kicked a ball on the garage roof) and the neighbor was sun bathing in very little. I apologised and said I won’t be a few minuets.

No need for a conversation as I’d interrupted enough. Happy to chat out the front when I see her though.

Gazebo is a great idea. We have one and I've attached voile curtains, a bit like this pic from pinterest. It has 2 benefits, nice dappled shade when the sun's directly on our patio and privacy from neighbours and their slightly too short fence.

@Crackers6642 - I suffer from anxiety too, so I can empathise with how you are feeling.

I have recently started using cbd oil - it was recommended to me, to help with insomnia, which sadly it didn’t alleviate, but I have noticed a real reduction in my levels of anxiety.

I bought mine as a spray from Holland and Barratt, so I know it is good quality, and it is certified thc free (so won’t get you high and is entirely legal).

I was a chat over the fence neighbour. My neighbour was not. So she ignored me when I spoke to her over the fence. I got trained, and did not take offence.

This is mine.
www.argos.co.uk/product/3047369?clickSR=slp:term:garden%20awning:4:10:1
It’s fantastic! I’ve got table and chairs in there and just open one side. Feels very private. Highly recommended!

I know how you feel op I can get like this with the people over the fence doesn't stop me actually sitting in garden though after the first conversation I just turn my chair around and relax.

Oh OP I feel you. The (horrible) children next door to us stand on garden chairs and chat to us CONSTANTLY. I loathe it. The minute they hear our back door open they're outside like a shot, clambering on the chairs and yammering away at us. If we've just opened the door for a bit of air and they can't see us in the garden, they lean right over the fence and peer into our living room and shout to our children. It makes me feel suffocated.

I feel bad for them as they're clearly bored and I don't think their parents pay much attention to them, but I try to give as short as answers as possible. It hasn't worked so far.

I asked for AirPods for my birthday and they're great for stopping conversations. If I don't want to chat, I put them in, go outside, nod "hello" to the neighbours and then gesture to the AirPods if they try to chat.

I get alright with my neighbours so I don't mind talking to them usually, but AirPods/headphones would be ideal for yours.

Adults standing on stuff to deliberately talk to their neighbours, why?

Children standing on stuff to deliberately talk to the neighbours, adults why aren't you explaining to them not to do this?

They are out of order, I'd be seriously pissed off if someone was peering over my fence.

[quote Crackers6642]@chatterbugmegastar they stand on chairs. The bushes don’t cover all across. It’s the lack of privacy I hate. I feel I’m being watched![/quote]
One word non-committal answers and turn back to your book/drink/kids/DH

Every. Single. Time.

Another master of the art of non-engaging in conversation here! The most they'd get out of me would be 'Really,' in a deadpan voice that offers no encouragement. If I have to go as far as spelling it out, "I'm reading. I'm not looking for conversation.' No eye contact, no acknowledgment of their presence after that. Back turned.
As for children, a firm 'Go away. I don't away to talk to you.' (Or bugger off, to the persistent.) I'm sure neighbour's kids think I'm a witch but that's good! Be consistent. If it is impossible to engage you in conversation - ever - they'll stop bothering.

Sympathies to you OP. I would not like that at all. Like you, I like to feel my garden is a sanctuary and I like to block out ndn with fencing and plants as much as is possible.

Bamboo in pots by the fence? It can grow very tall.

I also second going out there and wearing sunglasses and noise cancelling headphones. During lockdown and restrictions my neighbours have been doing noisy work to their house. Recently I have downloaded audiobooks from the library and decided to sit out one lunchtime to listen to them. I grabbed DH's wireless headphones to try and it was a revelation. I felt so peaceful in my garden, seeing the garden but hearing nothing. So, it is worth a try.

But, you do need to tackle this. You should not have to feel like you can't leave your garden. Baby steps will help. When they peer over the fence are they friendly or rude and nosey?

Do you like gardening? Perhaps go out and do some weeding or pruning and if they try to engage you for too long say 'right, must get on'

Other suggestion. Get a gazebo with one side and put it up on your patio with the side against your neighbours fence.

Perhaps you also need a trellis with climbing plants. Lol. I understand how you're feeling. I hope you can enjoy your garden now.

Agree, create a screened area - tall plants, climbers up trellis secured into planters or a pergola, gazebo or even a sail sunshade awning. Headphones in and face away from that side. Nod politely from a distance if they say anything and move on .