Can’t sit in my garden

[Crackers6642]

I’m feeling really anxious even stepping foot outside my property. DH is thinking I’m being silly. I’m hoping someone on here will help me as you have in past. I feel over several years neighbours have been encroaching my personal space. They just don’t seem to understand boundaries (literal boundaries! Not metaphorical). I feel suffocated in this house. We put up higher fences and already have high bushes and trees in place but I feel awkward around them. The other ndn don’t make me feel like this, I’m happy to sit out when they’re there and feel no awkwardness. I don’t want to spoil another day sitting inside. I want to enjoy my garden with my husband and our kids. I can’t carry on like this. I don’t want to waste my time. It was literal hell when the fence was low and I thought things might change with higher fence, they did to some degree but then lockdown happened.

I see. Standing on chairs to chat is just intrusive. I'd try to keep my back to that fence and have obvious headphones on. Would that help? If they are kids they'll get bored after a while

grow something horribly prickly

Is it the adults peering over the fence as well as the children, or just the children? Just wondering because I think the way of dealing with it would be different depending on who it is.

Standing on chairs to talk to somebody who doesn't want to talk to them is weird.

Can you get some sort of large sunshade/awning for that side of the garden so they can't see you?

I am very similar OP. We have a tiny yard which opens on to an unadopted lane which is really lovely and green and sunny. All our near neighbours use it as a part of their outdoor space. I'd love to feel comfortable enough to spend time out there but...there are people out there and no fences/boundaries. I know it's stupid my neighbours are very nice and I do talk, smile, wave to them.

I hate anxiety, it really does affect my life in so many small ways. I wish I could be like everyone else.

Sounds quite intrusive.

MY neighbours did this and it’s really spoiled my enjoyment of the garden. I’ve made one area where they can’t see me with a pergola and bamboo roof over the top. I’ve grown lots of plants at key spaces so they can’t see me and start to chat. They will shout conversation at me from windows, balconies etc - they are old and lonely by I absolutely hate it.

Now I have my private pergola though I can sit there and they can’t see me and that’s nice. It might take a while but this might help you?

Lots of love - I completely understand. X

Could you buy a gazebo with sides or some kind of garden building so you can sit half out half in?

I understand when people overstep boundaries but you just need to find a way to move this forward.

Also put headphones on even if not listening to music then you can ignore. Get the big ones so they can clearly see them

I’m like this with my neighbours, we have a balcony which is higher than their garden, she always wants to talk and is very narcissistic. Shouting our names or standing on a chair to talk to us.
After a deeply unpleasant conversation with her recently I don’t want anything to do with her. If I go out on the balcony now and she’s in her garden, I make a point of having headphones in and not looking their way at all which is hard as our steps come down from the patio door facing directly at their garden.
Just be blunt and tell them you don’t want to talk if they try to interact. It’s not a nice feeling though I know. I often feel like I’m going to be harassed if I step out on the drive or go on the balcony, not sure why people don’t understand you don’t want to stand listening to them for 30 minutes- she’s a coronavirus none believer as well 🤦🏼‍♀️

[quote Crackers6642]@chatterbugmegastar they stand on chairs. The bushes don’t cover all across. It’s the lack of privacy I hate. I feel I’m being watched![/quote]
I don't like seeing neighbours in the garden front or back so I understand how you feel. It is actually that I don't want them to see me. I really like my neighbours too, they are fabulous, but I like to live my life privately.

My fence blew down, bit by bit, on one side but a new one is currently being erected which pleases me. On the other side I can't see a thing, thankfully, because of big trees.

I'm fortunate to live on a wide road where houses have decent drives in front of them and it isn't a gossipy, curtain twitching place so not a problem really. I had thought of moving to downsize (to somewhere more compact and with smaller garden, I don't have a big house by any means), but it would be hard to find a place so private and I like it here.

Where I lived before, in a tiny two bed terrace, everyone knew their neighbours' business. Even people who didn't know me at all knew my name and something about me. I hated it. It wasn't too bad when at work but when I gave up for a while because of having a child I often felt I didn't want to go out of the front door. It was such a relief to move.

You're not unusual op but unfortunately there isn't much you can do about it. Before you go out, look out of the front window - not to be nosy but to see if anyone nearby is about - and go.

Your garden should be OK now you have a decent fence.

Don't let others put you off living your life. They don't want to do that, probably have no idea that you are so affected and it isn't their fault.

However I don't understand why neighbours stand on chairs in the garden, that is disconcerting unless it is kids playing a game. It doesn't necessarily mean they are spying on you. When they are back at school (when!), things will improve plus they will outgrow those games in time.

Chin up.

When I bought my first property many years ago. I put 6 foot fencing in straight away.
The neighbours either side of me were friends. But rather than visiting each other, if they were in the garden at the same time they would pull up a chair to stand On and both lean across my fencing to chat, for ages! Chatting right across my back garden. It used to make me so cross.

I would make a point of going out and giving them my best Paddington stare. I also combined it with gardening right by where they were chatting. They soon stopped. I don't think they liked a 20 something listening in on their conversations. They were the age I am now!

Probably won't help you, but I wanted to say it seems people think they can do what they like.

I feel your pain.
A previous house was like this, I hated it. Disclaimer, I do have mh including paranoia, I'm not suggesting the op does have mh.

It was like living in a fish tank and no matter what I did other people got ways round to "snoop" in. This wasn't why I moved btw, although it did help me really look at the next place I moved to! The feeling of constantly being watched, unless I was with others for the distraction going out of either door was incredibly hard as I knew someone would "pounce" and want something from me. Paranoia on top of anxiety really fucks with your brain.

I use over ear headphones so that it is obvious to others I cannot hear them. With in-ear ones it's not as obvious. When I'm out and about and my phone has died, I still leave them on. Avoiding eye contact helps to stop unwanted conversations.

Yea they're hot in the summer (I hate in-ear one they either hurt or don't stay in, and yes I know you can buy different bud sizes!) there are ones that are designed for sweat, but come the colder days they are wonderful for the heat lol.

Along with the headphones, I use a number of different coping strategies. THere are far too many to list that I use, never mind all the various ones that work for others. Lately I've been using NOCD app which has it's good uses, along with calm harm for when my usual strategies don't work. (both free apps, one is for OCD the other for self harm, both can be adapted to work for you, although with the NOCD there is an option for paid therapy not used it though)

My neighbour does the same OP, drives me insane. Every time we go outside he suddenly appears at the gap in our trees to watch me/chat (the 'conversation' is just him talking AT me about utter bollocks while I politely nod and pray DP comes to rescue me, or I make an excuse about having something on the stove to get away and have to stay inside). We're in the process of applying for a taller fence as it's already 6ft but the ground is raised on their side so he easily sees over. I hate it and it spoils our use of the garden. If we get a bigger fence and he started using a chair to look over I think my politeness would reach the end of its tether. You have my sympathies. Lack of privacy is horrible.

@SueEllenMishke

Surely they're just being neighbourly and will leave you alone after an initial quick chat?

Just say hi and take a book or something so they can see you're relaxing.

You would think so. On the days I could engage, the quick chats dragged on and on, even saying I must go, they'd still carry on. The conversations were irrelevant and gossip about other people.

I'm a bit like this. My neighbours are nice enough, but I'm autistic and have social anxiety, so I like to know that the garden is somewhere I can relax and not have to socialise or be overlooked. I've got an evergreen laurel hedge and some tall shrubs, and I also bought a seat that is quite enclosed, not this exact one but something similar .

I think you just have to devise ways of making the garden private - hedges, trellis with climbing plants, gazebos, umbrellas, having seats in corners that aren't overlooked. There are lots of ways to create privacy in a garden, especially with tall plants, though it can take a while to get it how you want.

I get it. All of my neighbours are nice, but I wouldn't use my garden if it wasn't private. We spent ages looking for a house because a garden that wasn't overlooked - or that could be screened for privacy - was essential.

An apology would help you relax and feel better.

Then a large canopy/umbrella and earphones so that even when they look over the fence, they gain nothing.

A collection of non-committal answers - boring ones- to over the fence questions could be rehearsed for days you are out there without protection.

Could you go something horribly prickly along that side (and tall) for next year?

Yes maybe a mixture of prickly and one bees love as hopefully that would be offputing.

If you don’t want to wait for bushes to grow tall. Maybe some planters you can hang along the fence in the gaps like these: www.amazon.co.uk/76cm-Window-Box-Ruddings-Wood/dp/B0794ZFM5K/ref=asc_df_B0794ZFM5K/?hvlocphy=1006755&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=309904185356&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-698531938079&hvrand=811970195285804831

I have a neighbour who hovers outside if he spots us. Ie if he has got home just before me, he leaves his front door open and 'pops' back out as I'm getting out of the car and tries desperately to make small talk. I'm polite and smile but so non committal and just keep heading towards my front door. My poor husband is much nicer than me and gets caught in long conversations with him - thank goodness we have a huge fence at the back so he can't see us in thr garden otherwise he would be non stop!
I'd apologise, if needed, for when you overeacted and maybe explain your garden is your haven so you'd appreciate not being disturbed. And then be really non committal if they still try.

www.argos.co.uk/product/4832669?clickSR=slp:term:pop%20up%20garden%20gazebo:4:73:1

Or the ultimate:

www.elbecgardenbuildings.co.uk/shire-honeysuckle-corner-arbour-pressure-treated/p4303?gclid=CjwKCAjwmrn5BRB2EiwAZgL9olVuTqfiTZf0ZqPyr8bIujvYlMJOz6TTqvqAjtCDp-goWkpoeUFNFBoCOz4QAvD_BwE

The main thing to do is get the angles right. If you can position it at an angle so the point is on their boundary, there is no chance they can see you further down the garden.

If the op was honest in her confrontation what should she apologise for? Hey neighbour sorry I shouted at you, but it's all true so can you stop doing those things?

It's not clear @Crackers6642 are they still doing this after you confronted them?

I was going to say Gazebo too...fabulous invention.

You can have sides up or down, Windows .

Get a storm strap, leave it up all summer, lower it ( pop up type) when it gets windy

Get a large tilting umbrella or 3.

Binkalater. Plant trees.

I totally understand OP. I get bouts of anxiety and agoraphobia. Some days I'm fine for months, then suddenly the thought of going out makes me stressed and sick.

Right now, I live on an estate and I hate walking my dog when there are others out there. A couple of other people round here I know to talk to, and some days I will run and hide if I see them. Other days, I enjoy a chat. Kids are the worst. They run up and try to touch my dog and I can be quite blunt with them. I don't mean to be, but they startle me. I don't want to end up being the mad, scary woman in our neighbourhood but that's how I feel sometimes.

I don't know the solution. I've had therapy for years and I have tried various drugs but I can't spend my life on valium.

I just hate being around people when I'm around my home. Going into the nearest city is fine for some reason. Our main street is so so. Around our estate is the worst.