Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

317 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 07:55

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

OP posts:
Cherry321 · 07/08/2020 10:33

To be fair, if it was me, if you hadn’t given it to me after 30 mins and knowing there would be a high chance of me forgetting to ask for the envelope and going home without it. I probably would have mentioned it - but hopefully more discreetly.

Tigerente · 07/08/2020 10:35

I agree with unmarkedbythat - from what the OP says, she had already mentioned to her friend that she had the money on her and made it clear how she'd actually give it to her, so why would the friend be worried that she wasn't going to get it?

If the friend was that desperate to get the money, she could have engineered a situation to get the OP and herself away from the others for a minute, and the OP would have given the money over, as she did when asked anyway.

Seems unnecessarily rude from the friend, even if she wasn't clear that the OP had the money with her, because saying like that in front of everyone implies that she didn't trust the OP to give it back. I'd hope that a friend would at least ask me in private first, to give me a chance to give them the money, instead of going straight to "calling me out" in front of other people.

Dreeple · 07/08/2020 10:36

Get your own back by borrowing elsewhere, next time you run out of money.

Ellisandra · 07/08/2020 10:36

She might be an utter cow deliberately making herself look good and predicting and enjoying your humiliation.

She might simply not consider it a big deal at all, have no idea you’d be upset, and mentioned it at that point because she didn’t want it forgotten, and that was the moment that garden tour had finished and you’d all sat down.

You can judge it best, from your previous friendship.

Personally I think the important thing to take from this is that humiliation is a choice. Why would the others know what the money was for? You could have been repaying half of a holiday cottage booking she’d done online for you both. But even when it’s money to help in lockdown - where’s the shame in that? Needing help isn’t humiliating at any time - but especially during corona lockdown!

I would rethink all your friendships if you think the other 4 would look down on you in some way... give you any cause to feel humiliated.

I know that’s easier said than done in the moment! But right now, today, I’d just say to yourself, “fuck it - it’s not humiliating at all”, and let it go.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 10:38

Also please remember I’d offered to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash -I don’t know why

OP posts:
ConfusedDotCom123 · 07/08/2020 10:38

Ellisandra

True!!!

mcmooberry · 07/08/2020 10:38

I think your friend was rude to ask like that in front of everyone but equally, I would have just handed it to her in front of everyone and thanked her for lending it to me.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 07/08/2020 10:39

You should have given it her when she / you got there. As it hadn't been mentioned she might have thought you were going to conveniently forget, which does happen.

I don't think she was nasty at all. In fact I wish I had her bottle, I might have got back some of the money I've leant out over the years. Hmm

ConfusedDotCom123 · 07/08/2020 10:40

bagpuss90

You haven’t told us, but does your friend have precedence for putting people down So she can ride up and look altruistic/special/Alfa ?

If you were friends you would be able to see that.

If it’s a one off then I would seriously think it’s just an odd moment and will talk to her.

I think you owe a friend to talk to them when upset and not let it brew

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 10:40

She didn’t want a bank transfer as she wanted people to see she had lent you money and to ask her later about it. She did it to make herself look big. But don’t worry, your friends will see yo had it ready to hand over and will think she’s The twat

If this is the way you actually think about your own friends and their motivations, then I'm no longer surprised that such a high percentage of the posts on Mn are about melodramatic fallings out with 'friends'.

Isn't it also perfectly possible to interpret the situation as the friend having no idea that the handing over of the money was such a source of humiliation to the OP, and that, realising it was perfectly likely she would forget to retrieve the cash if she didn't do so now when she remembered, simply asked the OP for it with no ill intent?

Ellisandra · 07/08/2020 10:40

It doesn’t matter why she wanted cash - that’s her business.

You sound like you’re getting at her wanting cash only because she wanted you to give it to her in front of people. Do you think that?

iklboo · 07/08/2020 10:41

You should have given it her when she / you got there. As it hadn't been mentioned she might have thought you were going to conveniently forget, which does happen.

. I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point

MadameMeursault · 07/08/2020 10:43

You shouldn’t feel humiliated. She humiliated herself! The only person looking bad in front of your friends is her, and your friends will see right through her. Rise above it now, it’s not worth worrying about.

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 10:44

Also please remember I’d offered to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash -I don’t know why

Lots of possible reasons, especially in a pandemic where many people are still wary of going into banks, using ATMs etc. I live in fairly remote countryside and am currently only in town to grocery shop once a week, usually out of banking hours. I'm not keen on using an external ATM after the one in the town bank was interfered with/cloned some time back, so (assuming the loan wasn't a big sum) I would absolutely ask someone to give me cash in this situation, as I don't have much in the house and it's useful.

BumblePan · 07/08/2020 10:45

I haven't read the replies, but that was not the time or the place to discuss such matters. You have paid it back and now you know that your friend is not discrete. It's awful when people do a favour, but expect a brass band to applaud them for it. I hope things pick up for you in the future and you can return the favour to somebody else in a discrete manner.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/08/2020 10:47

She's a WITCH of the highest order.. she already knew you had the cash with you., to hand over .. but she wanted everyone to know she'd been 'generous' enough to lend you it in the first place... she's an attention seeking glory hunter Witch .. look at me everyone 😏

there is an old Scottish/Celtic saying... a spoken debt is a paid debt... 🌺

tankflybos · 07/08/2020 10:50

Lots of psychic bees here this morning!

Dozycuntlaters · 07/08/2020 10:51

You're way over thinking this. If I was with a few mates and one gave the other some money back they had borrowed I wouldn't think anything of it. It's ok for people to say she's a cow but at the end of the day she got you out of sticky situation by lending you the money in the first place. You clearly have a good friendship with her for you to even ask her to lend you money in the first place and she doesn't have to justify to you why she preferred cash rather than a bank transfer, that's her business.

Don't make this into a big deal, I can't imagine your other friends gave it a thought.

NameChange84 · 07/08/2020 10:51

Very insensitive and rude of her.

billy1966 · 07/08/2020 10:54

OP,
Honestly, she embarrassed herself.

She knew you were not comfortable asking and yet did something spectacularly tacky.

Do NOT be embarrassed.
She has made a complete show of herself.
So tacky.

She wouldn't be someone I would ever trust again.

When someone shows you who they are....believe them.

Believe me the other 4 there will have definitely registered..."will never ask her for ANYTHING"🙄

Flowers
Countrysidelife54 · 07/08/2020 10:56

She sounds like a dickhead yanbu

Ellisandra · 07/08/2020 10:59

@BumbleBeee69 if a spoken debt was a paid debt, quite a few AIBU threads wouldn’t have happened Wink

jay55 · 07/08/2020 10:59

I think the reaction on this thread to her perfectly acceptable request is the reason we have so many threads about women not getting the money back that they lend.

ThisLittleLady · 07/08/2020 11:03

Nasty.

AhBallix · 07/08/2020 11:06

I wonder if the fact she wanted cash might be something to do with how she handled it. You offered to do a bank transfer, which she declined, otherwise she would already have had the money back. So she knew you were good for it, so to speak. Maybe the cash was for something specific and was needed to pay someone that day or the next and she wanted to be sure you had it and said it without thinking. You know the way something is on your mind and somehow you find yourself verbalising it, as if it has made the journey from brain to mouth a bit too quickly. I do think it was tactless though. Only you know if she's the type of person who needs to make a display of how kind she is, or whether it's out of character.

Swipe left for the next trending thread