Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

317 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 07:55

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 07/08/2020 10:16

Never borrow anything from her ever again!
My mum hated ' money lenders' : she had a distant relative who was one in the 1930s and she said she was ruthless! She became very rich on the back of it all, but she wasn't a nice person.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/08/2020 10:18

Wouldn’t have bothered me. If you didn’t want that to happen, should have arranged to meet her ten minutes early to get it done first. It’s not like the other people know why you owe her money. It could be you bought something second hand from her, or are splitting the costs of a holiday. Don’t give it a second thought.

Dreeple · 07/08/2020 10:18

You’d both been there half an hour and you had avoided the simple act of handing over an envelope.

In her place, I’d have been concerned too.

Paying a debt to a friend should have been your priority.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/08/2020 10:18

@bagpuss90

For the record-when we all arrived the hostess insisted on walking us all round her garden. She’s worked hard in it through lockdown and wanted to show it off. There wasn’t a window if you like to give it to my friend .We’d been sat down two mins when she asked me for it. We were going to be there all day. Plus she knew I was embarrassed about borrowing got in the first place
So you all arrived at exactly the same time and didn’t greet each other just the host?

Surely there was a moment you said hi to her and could have handed it over.

Chickychickydodah · 07/08/2020 10:20

At least everyone saw you pay her back, I’d ignore and block her now. So rude 😡

anicebag · 07/08/2020 10:20

Maybe she didn't think it was a big deal? Maybe she didn't want to forget to ask you. Maybe she's become stressed about it for some unknown reason and acted like a dick. It would've been nice to remain private, but no big deal. Borrowing money is quite an intimate thing- if I had witnessed that exchange I might have just thought you were good friends. Most people have borrowed / leant at some point in their lives.

wheretonow123 · 07/08/2020 10:20

Yes, I think it was tactless and probably a bit high and mighty bitchy.

There is very little that you can do about it when she says it so blatantly - if you were very late and not dealing with it then fair enough but I think I would say to her that you were waiting for an opportunity to give it to her and that you did not want it mentioned in front of the others.

If it was me I wouldnt cut her off but I would definitely remember this and see how the friendship progresses and generally be a bit more careful aound her. I also wouldnt share thoughts or issues with her because, if she can do that, she can share your other issues easily also.

HannahStern · 07/08/2020 10:20

No kind deed goes unpunished.

She was kind enough to lend you the money but now she's the bitch. You should have handed her the envelope as soon as you saw her. The cloak and dagger secrecy probably made her anxious.

LokiDoki75 · 07/08/2020 10:21

So you’d already said to her that you’d give it to her quietly when you had a moment alone together? In that case she had no need to say anything after only half an hour - which flies by if you’re all nattering - unless she was leaving (I’m guessing she wasn’t). For whatever reason she was being a cow.

ConfusedDotCom123 · 07/08/2020 10:21

OP, she did look like an idiot Infront of everyone because you had the envelope ready

I would be very hurt by this too OP

Not sure what her excuse is, as It might’ve been a brain fart moment. But if her character is to do good things to others and then put them down for it then I’d avoid her. Can’t tell from one occasion though.

In this situation I might excuse her but call her up on it

“Friend , for lending me the money. But I just was a bit humiliated that you demanded it so publically in that way.. I’m sure it was a mindless moment but do you think the others now think that I was taking advantage ? Could you please clarify to them that I wasn’t ?”

sorryforswearing · 07/08/2020 10:22

What a cow! There's no excuse for it.

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 07/08/2020 10:23

She sounds charming, not.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 07/08/2020 10:26

If I owe people money, I do say to them that they should remind me (I saw one poor friend 3 times and had the money in my bag but it went clean out of my head to give it to her). However, I would expect it to be mentioned on the side rather than asked in front of other people.

Her wording makes it clear that she meant to be a bitch: have you got the money you owe me please when she could have been more discreet. No wonder it went quiet - I'd have been looking at her like WTF?

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 10:26

I think you're overreacting to an insane extent, and that your cloak-and-dagger approach to returning the money ('slipping' her the cash in an envelope when you were alone!) sounds like something out of a spy film, rather than a friend repaying a loan!

Look, she wasn't to know you considered this some kind of shameful episode that needed to be handled with the utmost discretion and in solitude. For her it was as normal an exchange as asking for a cup of tea. The issues are yours.

I suspect you are angry with yourself for needing to be loaned money and are unfairly projecting the anger onto her for having been the one who had spare cash and was generous enough to lend it to you.

namechangenumber204 · 07/08/2020 10:26

I would have given it her and flounced off with a comment like 'yes, thanks for that, and the humiliation'. But then I'm like that...

HUCKMUCK · 07/08/2020 10:27

@ReefTeeth

Wow. Your friend lent you money and you didn't like that she asked for it back Confused

You should have given it to her straight away. You need to swallow your silly pride and be thankful she helped you out.

I think it's clear from the OP that isn't the point. OP has clearly stated she was paying it back at the agreed time and had already stated that she had the money and would hand it over that day.

It is about the way she did it and doing a good deed for someone is totally negated if you then make them feel like shit about it.

Sally872 · 07/08/2020 10:29

I think you have been too concerned with being discreet. Perhaps friend was worried it would be forgotten if she didn't mention it early in day.

If she is kind enough and close enough you can ask her and she will lend you money then you can overlook this slight faux pas.

If you think it was deliberate then shs isn't a real friend, but you probably has an idea if she was a real friend or not when you borrowed the money and I expect she was considered a friend.

It could have been £10 in the envelope for all anyone knew.

areyoubeingserviced · 07/08/2020 10:30

It’s difficult to make a judgement without knowing either of the parties involved and what occurred in the lead up to the gathering.
It could be that OP’s friend felt that the Op had been deliberately evasive regarding the return of the money and therefore OP’s friend thought that she would ask in front of others .
It could be that OP’s friend deliberately set out to embarrass the Op in order to make herself look like a generous person.
My dh has a friend who owes dh over 3k . He gets really angry when dh asks for the money back. This has upset and annoyed dh.
Op , you have paid the money back so that should be the matter.

ConfusedDotCom123 · 07/08/2020 10:30

doing a good deed for someone is totally negated if you then make them feel like shit about it.

^ this is such an important point

areyoubeingserviced · 07/08/2020 10:30

End of the matter

Beachmummy23 · 07/08/2020 10:30

Think you are quite rude to be bad mouthing someone who helped you out in a time of need. If you didn't want to give her the cash in front of others then you should have popped around to her house before and handed it over.

starfishmummy · 07/08/2020 10:31

Definitely tactless. Did she check it in front of everyone too?

TitianaTitsling · 07/08/2020 10:31

Agree with Greentoad I can't imagine she's such an awful tactless friend who's actively out to humiliate you, otherwise why would you approach her to ask for the loan, and seriously pp actually thinking that the reason she did it was so she could do this to you?

BeeTrees · 07/08/2020 10:32

She didn’t want a bank transfer as she wanted people to see she had lent you money and to ask her later about it. She did it to make herself look big. But don’t worry, your friends will see yo had it ready to hand over and will think she’s The twat.

ConfusedDotCom123 · 07/08/2020 10:33

BeeTrees

That’s an aweful lot of mind reading. How do you know?!