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Original poster

Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

317 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 07:55

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

OP posts:
HannahStern · 07/08/2020 11:09

@Dreeple

Get your own back by borrowing elsewhere, next time you run out of money.
Excellent suggestion Smile
Ellisandra · 07/08/2020 11:11

The thing is, she was a nice enough friend for you to disclose financial issues to in the first place, if she offered you a loan. So perhaps she doesn’t think you would feel humiliated, because you’ve talked to her about money problems openly. If you didn’t think she was horrible then, do you think she’s changed in a few months? I would judge her on the full length of your friendship.

piscean10 · 07/08/2020 11:12

Yes she was nasty. Asking for money is hard enough and means you are in a tight spot. To announce that in front of everyone was just plain horrible. It would have cost her nothing to ask you for it alone. And it's not like you were late paying it back!
She knew what she was doing. Absolutely horrible.

Therollockingrogue · 07/08/2020 11:12

This is a very british thread with all these suggestions of sliding the envelope around secretly and so on.
Op, don’t borrow money from friends.
That’s the simple moral of the story.
It wasn’t very cool of your friend, but it often goes this way. You let her feel superior when you asked for cash sadly.

TitianaTitsling · 07/08/2020 11:14

@jay55

I think the reaction on this thread to her perfectly acceptable request is the reason we have so many threads about women not getting the money back that they lend.
This- it's actually quite alarming to see the vitriol and acid being spat at this woman who lent the OP money in a time of need! (And of course the psychics who know exactly the nefarious reasons for the friend doing so!)
Ingridla · 07/08/2020 11:14

She shouldn't have asked you for it in front of the others really but I'd have slipped her the envelope as soon as I arrived tbh.

Itisbetter · 07/08/2020 11:15

I think she was unkind but possibly not on purpose. I think it was ready in an envelope so there can be no question in anyone’s mind that you were intending to pay it back. I think you are embarrassed but primarily be you feel ashamed at having to borrow it. Was it truly something to feel ashamed of?

KatherineJaneway · 07/08/2020 11:15

I can sort of understand why she did what she did even though I wouldn't have done it that way. If you hadn't quietly slipped me the money when we first saw each other, I'd think you might use the group as an excuse not to pay me. I never would have been as rude as she was but maybe she has been burned by cf's before and worried you would be one so used the group setting to make sure you gave her the money.

Lockheart · 07/08/2020 11:16

I'm baffled by this thread. I wouldn't find it rude or humiliating to ask or be asked for money owed with other people present. Especially since you had the money and were planning to give it to her.

Brits are very hung up about money as a subject. It's just money, it's not a personal medical problem or unusual sexual fetish.

Honestly I doubt anyone at the gathering (except you) is giving this a second thought.

20viona · 07/08/2020 11:16

I'd forget about it. She lent you some money and you gave it her back the end.

Heffalooomia · 07/08/2020 11:20

I would suck it up for now and then wait for an opportunity to give her a taste of her own medicine 🙃

m0therofdragons · 07/08/2020 11:21

She was probably sitting there unable to enjoy the socialising wondering if you’d brought the money. I would have given it to her as soon as I saw her or met her beforehand. She was probably suddenly panicking that she’d misjudged you and I think you were unfair to set your plan without telling her - she’s presumably not a mind reader. I don’t think she’s nasty at all. She was kind enough to lend the money. You’re being massively over sensitive.

silverbubbles · 07/08/2020 11:22

I think you should have given it her as soon as you'd seen her. Maybe she thought you had forgotten, maybe you have form for forgetting or not paying back on time?.

I wouldn't be thinking she isn't a friend - she lent you the money to help you out!. Perhaps she is tactless or perhaps she didn't really think....

Sarah510 · 07/08/2020 11:23

that sounds downright mean and incredibly insensitive. imagine you hadn't had it with you for some reason, that would have been so embarrassing. I'd say your other friends would have noticed her rudeness. I just think money is such a sensitive issue, she didn't do it by accident. at least you had it ready though thank goodness

TitianaTitsling · 07/08/2020 11:23

@Heffalooomia

I would suck it up for now and then wait for an opportunity to give her a taste of her own medicine 🙃
What for OP to lend her some money then have it paid back?... Chilling...😱😱
sadie9 · 07/08/2020 11:24

My guess is that she resented lending you the money in the first place.
I knew someone like this. She couldn't express her needs to your face, but suddenly in company it would come out.
I suspect she offers, offers, offers, offers, offers help and support til the cows come home. Lifts, making things, running around, 'I'll do that no problem!!'
But that's really just her strategy for approval seeking. When people take her up on the offer, she then feels used and resentful. Because she can't say no. That's why people end up asking her for stuff because she is super-obliging and has feck all boundaries.
Then her only option is to show you up in front of people so she could let them know she lent the money. Because the function of her behaviour for doing favours for people is to get approval - not to help them. Be wary of asking her to help with anything ever, even if she almost begs you to let her help.

chaosmaker · 07/08/2020 11:25

I would have said just as loudly 'Yes, here it is as we agreed! I was going to give it to you in a quiet moment as we'd arranged'....Although if everyone went quiet maybe they all knew and she was being a dick or trying to create drama out of nothing. Has she always been like this?

Livpool · 07/08/2020 11:26

Your friend is rude.

honeygirlz · 07/08/2020 11:29

@Itsjustabitofbanter

RTFOPP, it was half an hour!

Cloudyapples · 07/08/2020 11:30

On the plus side op you have proof you paid her back as you have witnesses.

I wondered if she didn’t want to do a transfer because then there’s no paper trail of you giving it back, but now she has made a scene you can say for sure you have it back in front of x and y friends. Also maybe ask her to send you a text to confirm in writing she has had the money.

LonelyGir1 · 07/08/2020 11:34

@bagpuss90

Also please remember I’d offered to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash -I don’t know why
You don't need to know why.

It sounds a bit tactless, but maybe she didn't want a bank transfer because she's overdrawn.

GreenRoads · 07/08/2020 11:34

I would have said just as loudly 'Yes, here it is as we agreed! I was going to give it to you in a quiet moment as we'd arranged'....Although if everyone went quiet maybe they all knew and she was being a dick or trying to create drama out of nothing.

If I had happened to be there when there was this exchange over an envelope about 'as we'd arranged' and 'quiet moments', I'd probably assume my friends were dealing drugs or doing something illicit, rather than something as ordinary as the repayment of a small loan between friends.

I think the reaction on this thread to her perfectly acceptable request is the reason we have so many threads about women not getting the money back that they lend.

Absolutely to this.

Ellisandra · 07/08/2020 11:36

@Sarah510 why do we need to imagine what if the OP didn’t have the money with her? OP clearly told her friend before they arrived that she had the money. So there is simply no element of this story that involves the lender putting someone on the spot without the money.

YgritteSnow · 07/08/2020 11:43

How can people make excuses for this? She was shockingly rude. The pay back had been discussed - bank details or cash etc. She was rude and it's not being paranoid to think that.

chocolatesweets · 07/08/2020 11:43

Ugh

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