Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

[bagpuss90]

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

What a bitch!

She did it to look big and for you to look small but you gave her the money there and then which clearly shows you had every intention of paying her, anyone with 2 braincells to rub together can see this and I can assure you everyone present was not liking her in that moment.

Personally I would speak to her face to face and ask her why she felt the need to behave like that and leave her in no doubt as to how bad she made you feel but paradoxically how bad she made herself look in company.

Aside from the fact that what the ‘friend’ did was insensitive, I’m chuckling because honestly I don’t think she realises that she’s announced to the entire friendship group that she has money and she’s willing to lend. During a pandemic. When lots of people are short on money. Not the smartest move, as now if another friend asks her and she says no, that friend will inevitably fall out with her.

Even the posters who don’t think the friend was unreasonable have to realise she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.

“Erm, yes, as agreed, would have preferred not to make a public issue if it but here you go”... she was being a Pratt.

What a bitch!

She did it to look big and for you to look small but you gave her the money there and then which clearly shows you had every intention of paying her, anyone with 2 braincells to rub together can see this and I can assure you everyone present was not liking her in that moment.

Personally I would speak to her face to face and ask her why she felt the need to behave like that and leave her in no doubt as to how bad she made you feel but paradoxically how bad she made herself look in company.

This 🌺

Am going to put a different opinion out there. I have borrowed money from my friends before and lent it and we are very open about it and there is no shame involved. It is possible that she just didn’t see it as a big deal and wasn’t being deliberately unkind or anything. My money fluctuates so if I was owed money and really needed it back, it would have been top of mind and I might have mentioned it so it didn’t get forgotten too.

She wanted to look generous in front of the other and I would pull her on it .

Stay relaxed - she has come out of this looking MUCH worse than you

Rude rude rude!
If it was the end of the day and you had not attempted to give her the money , then maybe she could get away with being rude.

I do not think she would feel happy if you said it to her.
If she a good friend then let her know your feelings. If not then move on like the others say.
Still rude though

It wouldn’t have bothered me others knowing. - I would have handed it to her straightaway saying thanks for helping out. Maybe she needed it and was impatient to know if you had brought it. Or it may just be her perception of a quiet moment is different to yours

Honestly I think you’re being a bit sensitive. You borrowed money, you said you would repay and she simply asked to have it. If you didn’t want her to say it in front of everyone you should have given it to her when you saw her, not make her wait half an hour.
She was gracious enough to lend you money, you decided you would repay her when you were in a group. She is entitled to simply ask for the money back.

Also self employed and had cash flow problems. I fell through a crack, like (literally) millions of other people, and started panicking. I had cash in the house at the start of lockdown (nothing like £500 😱, more like £50) It’s still there, because no-one wants cash now). So why she’d want that much cash is beyond me.

And I find it embarrassing to ask for a loan. It shouldn’t be, but it is. So I think your friend is not a friend. Maybe she’s secretly on board with the Chancellor. Hating self employed people. I coped far better with the loss of income (mentally) than the snide remarks from him, suggesting we’re all on the take. That’s the thing I can’t get over. (All my income comes from big companies, no room for “fiddling” before anyone piles in on that) (and believe it or not, some of us pay our taxes proudly)

So no. YANBU - a person you considered to be a friend helped you out, then #moneyshamed you over it. That’s awful behaviour.

No friend of yours should treat you like that, she humiliated you in front of other friends. She wanted everyone to know you'd borrowed money.

She is no friend.

She is no friend.

Of course not. She obviously lent the OP £500 in the middle of a pandemic just so she could show off her generosity by asking for it back in front of their friends in a cunning plan designed to humiliate the OP and make herself look goog. What a bitch.

Cant be much of a friend belitteling, you in front of other friends i would not bother with her any more

@GreenRoads

She is no friend.

Of course not. She obviously lent the OP £500 in the middle of a pandemic just so she could show off her generosity by asking for it back in front of their friends in a cunning plan designed to humiliate the OP and make herself look goog. What a bitch.

This is it for me in a nutshell. The replies on this thread are very surprising to me.

Yes, I'm a bit baffled by them. Is it some kind of extension of a UK cultural taboo on discussing money -- that it extends to making the repayment of a loan to a friend something slightly 'dirty, very fraught with potential humiliation and needing to be conducted with huge discretion and in private?

Yeah that's nasty and misfired as she'll look bad to the other friends.
Even if (!) she thought you'd forgotten she could have chosen to find a way to remind you discreetly. She probably regrets lending it to you so don't go there again.

She could have found a quiet moment to ask you. She had already agreed for you both to find a quiet moment anyway, for you to pass her the envelope, so asking you for the cash out loud in front of your other friends was at the very least insensitive and a poorly judged move on her part. I'd say though, that it was most likely deliberate to try and embarrass you in front of your other friends, and a 'look at me, I lent our hard up friend money, aren't I generous?!' statement. It's probably because she is insecure and wants to be liked by most of the group - literally at your expense. Your other friends will have seen this too. If any of them behave differently to you after this, it's on them, and her, not you. She is no friend though, and I'd not bother with her in future.

@GreenRoads

Yes, I'm a bit baffled by them. Is it some kind of extension of a UK cultural taboo on discussing money -- that it extends to making the repayment of a loan to a friend something slightly 'dirty, very fraught with potential humiliation and needing to be conducted with huge discretion and in private?

Oh stop the hyperbole. Would you expect any favour or problem you're having that you might ask help of a friend from to be made known to your wider circle? Or is just money we should be airy and open about?

I really can't think of any reason why someone would want a handover of cash in the sum of £500 rather than a bank account transfer, and on a social occasion with other friends, other than because she wants it to be public. It does sound like she wanted to look good in front of their friendship group, and to show up her friend.

Who would really prefer £500 in cash in preference to it being paid directly into her account, which really is much simpler?

Maybe she had to pay for something by cash herself and it was convenient to get the money directly? Maybe she prefers using cash to card when purchasing things and it was better for her to get it in cash? I don't know, there could be any numbers of reasons. I think if someone is generous enough to lend someone else 500 pounds, then complaining that the manner of giving the money back is not convenient is really taking the piss.

She sounds really unpleasant and not very kind.

People who have money to lend can be arses unfortunately, they can use it as a power thing.

I have actually been in the position of being the lender, and of a far larger sum than £500. I was never paid back by my now ex friend and it caused marital issues (thankfully we were okay, though). It would never have occurred to me to ask for the money back at a social gathering, though, or in cash.

People who have money to lend can be arses unfortunately, they can use it as a power thing.