Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

[bagpuss90]

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

not nice
are they always so tactless?

your other friends will agree that this was tactless and nasty

Most people bank transfer these days.
It would have saved all this happening if she was that desperate for it back.
I never lend anyone money. If I give them any money , I wouldn't want it back.
It's just how I am : money is the root of a lot of evil in my book.
I only borrow from banks as they have many rules and it's pretty much faceless , plus you know where you stand too.
Also get anything in writing where money is concerned : I learnt this from judge Rinder on tv! Most of the people in his court was about money and many had nothing in writing!
I'm sorry your ' friend' was so horrible.

@ReefTeeth

Wow. Your friend lent you money and you didn't like that she asked for it back

You should have given it to her straight away. You need to swallow your silly pride and be thankful she helped you out.

If this had happened as they were leaving for home, then the friend could have reminded OP then. OP obviously wanted to give it to her in private. What if there was no chance of privacy and she was just waiting for the right moment?
Embarrassing somebody in front of others is nasty behaviour.

I get the feeling you are like OP’s “friend”. You expect people to be bowing to you because you’ve helped them out.

That’s not how friends behave. Hopefully the other people see her for what she is and keep their distance.

Can you mention it to her? I would certainly never borrow money from her again, or let her know anything she could 'blurt' out like this.

Sorry, I’m with your friend on this one. She was kind enough to lend you money. Then the day you were meant to pay it back, you sat talking with all your mates for 3 hours and hasn’t handed it over. She probably thought she wasn’t going to get it so kind of called you out on it in front of people to make you pay up. I don’t get what the big deal is with all the secrecy. There’s a lot of presumptions being made on this thread about a person who to me seems generous, I don’t see how she wanted to ‘score points’ by asking for her money back. If she wanted people to know then she would have actually told them that she lent you money

She's one of those ones who do kind gestures to show off how wonderful she is. You handled it perfectly though. If I was a guest there, I'd be thinking she was attention seeking and rude.
She would be the kind to give a sandwich to a homeless person but livestream it to facebook to show what a fucking humanitarian she is.

My DM is a bit like this. She has to broadcast her generosity all the time. It's why I will never go on a trip with her again, ever.

God people so quick to jump to the worst conclusion, perhaps she's just tactless

Context is everything here I think - what is her usual behaviour ? And her behaviour towards you ?

Your first line was that she kindly lent you money. You don’t mention any showboating about how she gave it you, nor since, which she could easily have done either directly or amongst your mutual friends.
With that in mind, I’m inclined more towards tactless on the return handover rather than rude.
She did you a favour, and is an apparent friend, so forget it.

she may have had a bad experience in the past and because you were being discreet and didn't rush over the moment you arrived to interrupt her and stuff an envelope of cash in her hand...
i wouldn't worry about it, it would haven been obvious to everyone that you had it all ready to give her, so if anything, they'll think worse of her for asking like that than of you for paying her back as you did.

i wouldnt have liked it either if i'd been in your position with it all ready to be handed over.

Sorry, I’m with your friend on this one. She was kind enough to lend you money. Then the day you were meant to pay it back, you sat talking with all your mates for 3 hours and hasn’t handed it over.

If you read the OP she says they’d only been there half an hour when the friend asked for the money.

OP said it was less than half an hour @Itsjustabitofbanter.

I don't know why she didn't just go with a bank transfer rather than the envelope stuffed with cash rigmarole ?

It was tactless, but having lent people money and felt very uncomfortable having to ask for it back I do have some sympathy for your friend. She probably expected you to give it straight away, why wouldn’t you? Or at least tell her you have it an when you’ll do it. It’s horrible having to ask for money back and as you didn’t offer it she had to ask. There probably wouldn’t be an opportunity when you were on your own.

@Proudtocare

Horrible. She obviously didnt want to give discretely, she wanted everyone to know her good deed!

This x10000

It was tactless of her, but I expect she was nervous about not getting the money back. Lockdown began nearly 5 months ago, and ended a couple of months ago, so she’s waited quite a long time. Having expected the money during the evening, she was probably getting stressed that nearly an hour had passed and it hadn’t been forthcoming.
When she lent you the money, did you give her a date by which you’d return it?

She was tactless, but I don’t know why you didn’t give it to her straight away. She was probably getting more and more stressed about how to ask you for it, I think you put her in an awkward position. Maybe she just blurted it out. Maybe she’s in her overdraft and didn’t want the money to get swallowed up in her account.

She was kind enough to lend you the money. If this is one incident in an otherwise positive friendship I would just look at it as the inevitable awkwardness that arises around money lending between friends.

She did you a favour, remember.

I think it was a bit awkward that you sat there with the money in your bag without giving it to her, like a great big elephant in the room. I would have given it to her straight away, but we're all different. She probably panicked and thought you weren't going to pay her so she blurted it out. It's a misunderstanding, that's all.

No idea why you were being so cloak and dagger about it OP. You should have given her the envelope the moment you saw her. The others wouldn't have know how much it contained or even that it was money and wouldn't have batted an eyelid. You obviously feel ashamed and that is why you are blowing this out of proprtion. Depending on what sort of person she is she either didn't realise you would be upset or she wanted to be sure she got her money back. She might have wanted to show we was a good person for lending it. I would say probably her least likely aim was to humiliate you.

I said Yanbu but I also want to know why you didn't return it right away? I think she was tactless but she did a nice thing for me out.

I would have said "Yes - I have the cash here as we agreed since you refused a bank transfer. I just thought you might have waited until we were alone to keep things private because I dont appreciate having my financial affairs aired in public."

This would have turned the tables and shown her up for what she was in front of your friends. Im sure they would have appreciated that things might have been difficult for you during the lockdown.

@Karwomannghia

It was tactless, but having lent people money and felt very uncomfortable having to ask for it back I do have some sympathy for your friend. She probably expected you to give it straight away, why wouldn’t you? Or at least tell her you have it an when you’ll do it. It’s horrible having to ask for money back and as you didn’t offer it she had to ask. There probably wouldn’t be an opportunity when you were on your own.

we were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own

Reads to me like op had made it quite clear though?

Be grateful you have witnesses and never borrow without a legal agreement and proof you've paid it back. You should have said "as we agreed here it is, would you please count it as proof it's all there".

It wasn't nice but there is an upside to it in that you have publicly handed the money over so she can't claim that she lent you money and you didn't give it back.

I'd be avoiding her in future though.

For the record-when we all arrived the hostess insisted on walking us all round her garden. She’s worked hard in it through lockdown and wanted to show it off. There wasn’t a window if you like to give it to my friend .We’d been sat down two mins when she asked me for it. We were going to be there all day. Plus she knew I was embarrassed about borrowing got in the first place

I think she was a bit of a cow to do that. I don’t suppose there will be a next time, but if there is, just transfer it back and don’t faff with cash.