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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling a bit humiliated by tactless friend

317 replies

bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 07:55

This friend very kindly offered to lend me some money -when I had some lockdown cash flow problems. I’m self employed . I’d agreed to pay her back earlier this week . We were going to another friends house to sit in the garden I said Id slip her the money in an envelope then when we got a minute on our own which we would have done at some point . Six of us were there-all doing the social distancing thing. I did offer to do a bank transfer but she said she wanted cash-fair enough. Anyway we’d been there less than half an hour when she said”have you got the money you owe me please” ? This was in front of four other people -it all went quiet . I gave her the money in an envelope .
It might sound silly but I felt about “so big”. I hadn’t dragged my heels re paying it. I was paying it back bang on the time we’d agreed . We hadn’t been there hours and I’m sure I could have slipped in to her in the envelope I’d put it in at some point. Am I wrong in thinking this was at best bloody tactless and at worst slightly nasty ?

OP posts:
Therollockingrogue · 07/08/2020 15:37

For me borrowing from friends just isn’t an option.
It’s not because of my friends though, I know they’d give me anything in an instant. It’s because I love them too much to lose them over a financial dispute. I’d rather be in debt with a company , or eat 10p ramen for months on end, or any other method, rather than borrow from a friend . It’s just a big no go for me.
There’s a further issue too in that if you borrow from a friend, you’ll feel your spending afterwards is forever scrutinised by them. It’s just what happens.

RedskyAtnight · 07/08/2020 15:40

I would have replied something like "well I guess the discreet repayment we agreed to isn't happening anymore"

Did friend realise they'd agreed to a "discreet repayment"? Unless OP made it really clear that she wanted it kept discreet, I would have interpreted her conversation to mean "I'll give you the money when I see you".

Macguffin69 · 07/08/2020 15:50

Some of the replies here are ridiculous - 'a narcissist' a 'bitch'. Really! Your friend kindly loans you £500 - a not inconsiderable amount. I can really put myself in the friend's shoes. You tell her you'll pay her when you are alone. But you are with company and the friend must be thinking, we may never be alone. Perhaps she thinks you're using that as an excuse not to hand the money over. I can imagine her getting more jittery, until she blurts out about the loan.
Frankly, I think you should be grateful to your friend for helping in your hour of need.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 15:52

Okay again for the record... I’d offered a bank transfer a cpl of times. But as I said she declined. I don’t know why. Also I’d text her the morning I was seeing her to say I’d got her money and I’d give it to her that day.I’m quite a private person and no I don’t like people knowing my affairs. She knows that. I’m just a bit hurt that’s all. Also she’d asked for it back by the end of August -so it was in no way late

OP posts:
hatesomethinchangesomethin · 07/08/2020 15:55

I would call her out on her shorty behaviour. Tell her she made you feel like shit and there was no need

Everhopefulhev · 07/08/2020 15:55

There really is no reason why she couldn’t have done this discretely - that is not a very nice thing to do. I have a feeling this was done on purpose to make people aware of her generosity in lending you the money or some kind of power thing. Either way a good friend wouldn’t bring up something sensitive like that in front of other people.

Mary46 · 07/08/2020 16:00

Not nice how she did it agree

NellGwynsPenguin · 07/08/2020 16:03

I think you’re over thinking it because you were in a hole, and were embarrassed to ask her in the first place.

Just move on, it’s only money..
At least the others now know you pay back loans on time.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/08/2020 16:06

@bagpuss90 I think either way you are making it a bigger deal than it needs to be whether she was shady or not. I think you are being spurred on here by some extreme reactions of “block her” and “bitch” when actually, you had the money there and then so come out of it looking fine no matter of her intentions.

Sometimes it’s best to not job to the worst conclusion and try to think the best of people. She liner you money and you paid it back. End of. Your I’ll feeling will pass and should.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 07/08/2020 16:08

Possible she is just crass and very tactless, OP. I doubt your other friends will have thought very much of it. A shame for you to be hurt by it, hope your'e okay.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 07/08/2020 16:08

you're - there, now I can share the shame with you. Smile

Notonthestairs · 07/08/2020 16:09

Honestly bagpuss the only person that will have given this a second thought is you.

It wasn't the best way of handling things (on both your parts - I'd have handed the envelope over the moment I arrived, I would also never have asked for it to be handed over) but she lent you money when you were in need and you've paid her back early. All done and dusted.

awesomeaircraft · 07/08/2020 16:13

On the plus side, it is great you did in front of witnesses. As it is cash, would be a shame if she claimed not to have gotten it back.

QuacksInTheDark · 07/08/2020 16:15

YANBU at all.

damnthatanxiety · 07/08/2020 16:23

@unstableunicorn

Maybe she was expecting you to give it to her as soon as you saw her and thought you didn't have it. All the same, she absolutely shouldn't have done that, very thoughtless and rude imo
but then it would be even weirder to ask publically. If she thought the OP didn't have it and so asked out loud, the ONLY reason would be to humiliate the OP.Nasty
EggBoxes · 07/08/2020 16:27

I would call her out on her shorty behaviour.

Yes, it would have been appropriate to say something at the time, "Oh, yes, I have the money here. I was expecting to give it to you in private as we'd agreed. I feel a bit embarrassed about it in front of our friends".

laudete · 07/08/2020 16:51

At most, it could be construed as potentially tactless - but, that's only based on the fact you like to keep your life private. You haven't said that she broadcast the reasons behind the loan, the amount, etc. The reason she offered to lend the money in the first place is that you told her you needed money. And, the reason she reminded you about returning the money is that you told her you were returning it. How are all these people your friends if you don't want to share any personal information with them? To fulfil your privacy concerns, you'd surely be better off treating them as casual acquaintances and only talking about the weather.

melj1213 · 07/08/2020 17:00

I’d text her the morning I was seeing her to say I’d got her money and I’d give it to her that day.

Was she aware it was supposed to be a cloak and dagger exchange in a clandestine corner or did she assume that you would just give it to her when you arrived?

If it was the latter then after 30mins of being there and you not even acknowledging that you had the money for her (even just "I've got that thing for you, remind me when we get back from the garden tour and I'll get it from my bag" if you didnt want to share that it was cash or a loan repayment) she was probably just wondering if you were stalling because you didnt have it and hoping she wouldnt ask for it until later when nobody was around to see you make an excuse as to why you didnt have her money.

Mittens030869 · 07/08/2020 17:03

But that would have been very unlikely in view of the fact that she'd offered to transfer the money. And she wasn't late with it anyway.

If it was me, I'd be more worried that we'd both forget, so she wanted to make sure that didn't happen.

Keepitup · 07/08/2020 18:11

At least you've got witnesses that you paid it back.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 18:23

As I said we’d all been trooping round the garden getting a guided tour. She was chatting away to someone else .I’d text her that morning and yes she did know I slightly embarrassed about having to borrow money. Very grateful mind but still embarrassed. I was going to pass her the envelope (which could have had anything in it. We had not been sat down for what 5 mins max when she asked me

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 07/08/2020 18:25

Plus I’m sorry unless I have early onset dementia -well I doubt if she thought I’d forgotten

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 07/08/2020 18:27

But she didn't know that you needed privacy, and presumably you're pretty good friends if you know her well enough to borrow a fair bit of money from her?

IndecentFeminist · 07/08/2020 18:30

She may well have asked then because she didn't want to forget, and it was the first chance she'd had to think about it because of all the garden touring going on.

burnoutbabe · 07/08/2020 18:49

Asking for cash is putting you out as I assume you had to go to a cash point in a few trips or queue in a bank to get that much?
(And I assume she did not give you notes at the start)
£500 in notes takes up a thick envelope and it's clear it's not £20 in it.
So yes, rude. The others don't know she hadn't chased you a few times by then do they?