Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

To whoever suggested taking on the house hold matters I already do everything as I’m not working and did before leaving my job too. He doesn’t life a finger in the house, doesn’t come to any of our sons appointments after his initial diagnosis with autism and epilepsy nor does he deal with anything to do with school Or transport etc so I’m definitely not stressing him out further outside of his job.

OP are you aware you're missing out on 5-600 quid a month by not claiming DLA and carers? It is something within your control and could probably be a big help.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

Thank you to everyone replying, even if I don’t like what your saying. I’m so used to him catastrophising and being negative it’s hard to know when I’m being harsh with him. I’m generally supportive of whatever he feels he has do to but this just seems so hasty with the covid situation. I really wish he’d get help himself over his lack of confidence but he just doesn’t see it and I’m obviously not in a position to push it with him.

JFC that last sentence. I know this is in danger of turning into a pile-on but you really aren't grasping the hypocrisy of everything you write nor have you seemed to take anything on board.

dreamingbohemin has nailed it!!

YANBU

I really don’t want to come across as ‘been there and got the t-shirt,’ but quite a few people have struggled with mental health due to flashbacks, anxiety, stress, DV ( both past and present) and you can’t keep using that stick to stop your family from earning a living.
Yes some folk suffer appallingly but it’s not generally the case.
Your husband is in danger of burning out. The financial onus is clearly on him and that, in itself , is hugely stressful, particularly as he is doubting himself.
I feel very sure that there is a non-taxing role that you could do.
Why don’t you pop to an employment agency and tell them your circumstances.
If you can’t face that then go to your GP and ask for different methods to help you. If your GP deems that you’re unable to work then maybe you could qualify for DLA.
You really can’t come on to a social media platform and complain that , whilst you’re at home with a child at school, that your husband should step up to the mark to earn more money even though he’s struggling, even though you are too.

I understand what you're saying OP - if it was a case of him going back down the scale to a job he liked and was confident in, that would be a different matter. But you're saying even if he does that, he will still feel as insecure and miserable - but with less money.

So I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I'm not sure what you can do about it really. You can't (and wouldn't want to) force him to stay in a job he doesn't like, but he lacks insight if he doesn't appreciate that he will feel the same when he returns to his previous role.

It sounds as if he would benefit from counselling to dig down to see why he is so negative and lacking in confidence about his ability. He can't be happy feeling so insecure, and the situation won't improve unless he gets help. Even if you did get a job to boost your income, he'd still be miserable at work.

apologies if this has already been posted OP but could you not do a side hustle business from home? cake-making / ironing / spray tans / cleaning?

Are you good with children? Could you get a job as support staff at your son's school? You could lease a car as soon as you get a job. Is there demand for childminders in your area? Then you could work from home. Care for the elderly in your area? I'm getting the feeling that you considered it, nothing was available at the time, but haven't been tenacious about securing an income. If you can bring in just £100 a week that will be enough to lease and run a car, which will make all the difference to your lives.

So you don't work due to mental health reasons but think that he should just put up and shut up despite his job affecting his mental health? Yes, yabu and a hypocrite to boot.

Horrible? No
Hypocrite? Yes

I have replied to people suggesting I get a job. I can’t travel outside our town as I don’t drive, before he took this job we couldn’t really afford the cost of lessons for me and couldn’t afford to run a car anyway, even if we could he’d need it for work to avoid the huge train bill he has now. There just isn’t anywhere hiring other than the couple of supermarkets or pubs and day shifts just aren’t on offer right now. He was definitely not effusive idea of me working evenings or weekends as he’d have to work all day then care for our son and never see me, his words. He also couldn’t guarantee leaving work on time and he’s frequently away for up to two weeks at a time so it’s not quite as simple as go out and get a job.
We can’t just move somewhere cheaper either as our sons in an excellent school and it’s actually more expensive the closer you move to it. We are originally from the north where things were better for us but Dh unfortunately lost his job and we had to move down here as no jobs in his area there.

I think you need to just drop all the excuses and find a job

There is no need to struggle financially if you just apply for DLA again, which you will almost certainly get if your son is at a special school. Then you can apply for carer's allowance for yourself. It will make a huge difference to your finances.

My issue is not that it’s ‘all about money’ you don’t come across like that OP but you do come across as ‘I can’t be expected to work as I have MH issues, but DH should pull him self together and get over his MH issues so we can live comfortably’

I think you’re being rather hypocritical

He would be getting fuck all sympathy from me - when he starts parenting his own child, then I'll start caring about his happiness.

So let's get this straight. You have a DH who leans heavily on you for emotional support and has been unhappy and stressed in whatever his job has been for several years. You deal with all household responsibilities and have exclusive responsibilities for autistic DS, even though suffering from acute anxiety. And this is something you have sought help for, but DH has not.

And PPs on this thread think - in the middle of a pandemic and without any childcare (as DH refuses to provide this!) - that the answer is simply for you to go out and get a job (cos they are easy to come by just now, aren't they???! )

Actually, I'm really angry on your behalf. Some of the posts on here are diabolical.

Maybe he should give himself another 3 months and see how he feels then. It would be a shame to quit a job he’s good at due to confidence issues and an extra 3 months may help make up his mind. In that time you could look at any ways to save and earn money.

WRT your husband, you can’t force him to stay in the job you can just encourage him to give it a decent go and say you’ll support him if he can’t do it after 6 - 12 months. But I would definitely be saying to him that if he does decide to step back you’ll be supportive but you don’t want to hear complaints about your money situation as it’ll be a choice then. It IS a valid choice to have less money for the sake of a better quality of life in other ways but he needs to get on board with the idea that that’s a choice he’s now making rather than a circumstance he’s ended up in as it was before.

Completely agree with this.

I think the harsh replies are from people who haven’t read the thread, particularly where he doesn’t want you to work and was just as stressed in his old job and he was the one complaining about money. Oh and he has never bothered to do any housework even when you both worked and doesn’t go to your son’s medical appointments.

Can you speak to him and talk through the options?

I’d ask him to consider staying in the current job for another month or two and see what it’s like when they’re back in in September and when the new staff are up and running.

I’d also remind him that he was just as unhappy in his old job and how much he hated not having money.

I’d say if he goes back to his other job then I’d be looking for any job I could get and it’s likely he’ll either have to look after his son alone if it’s evenings and weekends or share the time off if not. And that household chores and taking your son to appointments would be split evenly.

He can’t have it both ways.

@Pumpertrumper

My issue is not that it’s ‘all about money’ you don’t come across like that OP but you do come across as ‘I can’t be expected to work as I have MH issues, but DH should pull him self together and get over his MH issues so we can live comfortably’

I think you’re being rather hypocritical

Maybe read the thread. Or at least OPs posts as she’s said more than once that he refuses to look after their son or take any time off for his medical appointments so OP can work.

OP I've been in a similar situation to yours so I'm a bit more sympathetic than some on here. Firstly, look into applying for PIP for yourself as well as carers allowance, the benefits and work website can help you with what to put on forms.
Secondly, talk to your husband! You are a team, don't forget. Tell him to at least give it another six months so he has the opportunity to do the job in the office environment and agree to re-assess the situation after that. Also, he may find that Occupational Health can direct him to therapy sessions/confidence building sessions of his own if he needs it. Remind him of the things he has said in the past and point out to him that he can't have it both ways and that he will need to look after your child to enable you to work. He also MUST take leave occasionally, the world will not spin off its axis if he has a few days off!

Thirdly, get onto your GP and see what other help is available to you to help with your difficulties. It's very easy for people to tell you to "Pull yourself together" or "Stop being so selfish" but that's because they think anxiety is just being "a bit worried about stuff" and it really isn't, it's bloody horrendous. As for the work from home idea much beloved on here, that's great if you can find one that A) isn't a scam B) isn't MLM C) isn't a really expensive franchise and D) is suitable for you and workable around your illness. Btw, if you find one of these golden tickets let me know cos I've been trying to find one for years . Good luck!

@mosquitofeast

I think you need to just drop all the excuses and find a job

RTFT!!

He refuses to look after their son or take time off for his appointments & doesn’t want OP to work.

You both need to seek help and support for your mental health issues. It feels a bit as if you are competing against each other for who is the worst. Otherwise you will pull each other down

Access to work can help if you have any kind of disability in work, and is quite easy to get.
I get it for mental health issues.

EDMR is excellent for ptsd and trauma. Ask your gp to refer you

If your son goes to school the obvious time for you to work is while he is at school.
You may not get as much money as a job you are qualified to do in the evenings or weekends but it would be something.

I’ll probably be accused of drip feeding but I should have pointed out our sons also still doubly incontinent and my Dh absolutely refuses to deal with it so really not sure how me just getting a job is gonna pan out He also works evenings fairly frequently, both this role and previous role so I’m quite worried how’d he cope with him alone while trying to work on his laptop.