Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

His response about the maths skills was as they seem to add up the orders in their head in ours and he’s probably right in that I’d struggle with that if that’s the case. I worked in a Chinese takeaway for a few months in my teens and that’s how they did it then and I was hopeless.
Aside from a few years working in a small shop in my teens all my previous jobs have been in pub kitchens and serving on the bar believe or not so that’s the kind of work I’d probably be taken on to do it’s just now we have a child Dh is very resistant to me working evenings and weekends and the pubs here don’t seem to offer any day shifts.
I realise people are assuming I’ve been sat at home my whole life wallowing in self pity but I have worked despite finding it stressful. I don’t know why but I seem to be getting so much worse the last couple of years. At some points leaving the house has been a terrifying prospect and the drs just offered me antidepressants which didn’t help.
Dh isn’t exactly sat around all day tearing his hear out either, since lock down he works upstairs in our bedroom as it the only space and he fb messengers me with comments about how he’s holding up the project and not making w lot of progress etc but then when he’s finishes work he comes downstairs and is perfectly normal and happy. He’ll buy something online or treat himself to food he like that we couldn’t previously afford and say how nice it is to be able to do it. He’s still making plans on other things he wants to buy while also messaging about how it’d be better for the project if he stepped back. He will freely admit everyone he works with is struggling with working at home, that’s the reason so many co workers have gone off on leave or on stress so it’s not just him. This is why I keep saying talk frankly to your managers first, he has form for thinking he’s failing when he just isn’t. As I keep saying he was constantly doing the same thing in his previous role whilst also bemoaning having no free money so I know losing the extra income will make him miserable.
When he was doing his phd he collapsed crying on the bed the night before saying he was going to fail and didn’t wanna go to his viva, I had to convince him go and he was fine and passed. It’s just how he is.

I guess there is an element of how much his issues with this new job is down to his personality and how much that he genuinely is out of his depth which is why I think the best thing he can do is keep talking to his managers. I asked him again this morning if he had and he admitted he had spoken to his immediate manage about his fears and his response was to tell him he’s doing great and that he’ll be upset if he left the role. When he applied for it I said only to do it if he was sure it was what he wanted and assured me it was and was very full of how this would take the pressure off us and I’d be able to figure out what I wanted to do long term. Now I’m more miserable than ever and I’m the bad guy for not bringing in money so he doesn’t have to.

I’ve no idea what the rest of the parents do, I don’t see or speak to any of them. The last contact I had with anyone in a similar position was during portage sessions and the ones attending had a parent at home. I’ll admit I’ve become very isolated since moving here, I don’t have anyone but Dh to rely on, no friends to help with child care etc. I only really see my parents every couple of months as they don’t live that close. Long term I don’t think it’s helping me but I don’t know how to fix it, the thought of trying to make friends fills me with dread.

Hi there I have two boys with asd I get it I really do. My career has taken a nose dive as has my mental health, my DH has a well paid job but it is very stressful and I do feel for him as the only earner.

I applied for DLA for both of them and Carers allowance I then felt I was "contributing" in some way.

My DH's job is stressful and I do feel bad but having to deal with two boys with significant difficulties is pretty painful too I wish I could escape at times even when they're in school it is constant paperwork EHCP etcs, meetings, medical appointments. I believe my DH is probably autistic, I see many similarities with my boys. I try and keep him calm but stress affects him. DH occasionally moans about the pressure but he appreciates the position we are in and it isn't changing any time soon if ever. He understands we don't have a "normal" family set up.

I appreciate it is hard I am suffering too my confidence has plummeted having SEN children is "disabling" for the whole family. It's tough people don't realise the affect it has on everything. It is another layer of significant stress. I don't think you can under estimate that.

Just wanted to say I feel for you it really sucks sometimes and you're not alone. I'm thinking of starting volunteering a toe in the water to trying to getting a semblance of doing something. Getting DLA and Carers allowance could make a huge difference in the short term. Take care.

OP, what do other parents at your son's school do in the holidays? Surely they can't all have a SAHP.

DD is in a special school. Class of 12. I know all the parents and only one child has 2 working parents as the grandparents take over. The rest all have mums as home. There is a reason why having a disabled child is a huge poverty trap in the UK - it's because it forces parents out of the workplace and into poverty.

Op, I understand your reasoning for not getting a job, I have horrendous anxiety too, not mild, but panic attacks daily over anything and therapy and medication have only mildly helped. But I don't think it's fair to make your husband stay in a job that's making him stressed and upset either.

OP, what do other parents at your son's school do in the holidays? Surely they can't all have a SAHP.

how do you recon people hold down a job of they cannot access childcare???

A lot of people have asked if me or Dh are on the spectrum ourselves, my husband thinks he leans that way and immediately began blaming himself when it became obvious our son had autism.
I’ve had social issues and anxiety my whole life and a lot of problems with intrusive and obsessive thoughts but how much of that’s just me or down to my childhood I don’t know. My mother had a raft of undiagnosed mental health problems and diagnosed agoraphobia as well as being an alcoholic, all of her kids have serious problems as adults.

I wish people would stop saying I’m forcing my husband to stay in a job he hates, I’m not at all. I didn’t force him to apply for it, I’m not saying he should stay in forever to keep me in money. I’m saying I wish he would listen to his managers regarding his performance and give it longer than four months. I don’t think my mental health issues preclude me from thinking he hasn’t given it a fair go as he only had a couple of weeks doing it in the office before lock down. I’ll admit I’m selfish in that I don’t want to hear him constantly moaning about the lack of money if he chooses to drop down to his original wage but his constant whinging about it is wearing. I don’t spend my days whinging about my anxiety and doing nothing about it, I tried the therapy and I’ve tried the medication and if he’d be willing to compromise I’d try to make working work too.

I'm a nurse and for several years (mostly thanks to my abusive exH) I suffered severe anxiety and had to take beta blockers every day. I could have used it as an excuse not to work but you know what it honestly helped me get over it. By forcing myself to interact with people every day. Try a program to help with your issues and find a job you enjoy, I went through my GP.

I have been through my gp, I was given antidepressants which didn’t help and therapy which left me feeling optimistic for about a month before I realised it wouldn’t be quite as easy as I thought to find work that fits in with my dhs job and my sons School hours.
I’m reluctant to try therapy again. The gp said they’d be able to teach me techniques to deal with the panic but after a few weeks of having me talk about my childhood in detail she advised me i just needed to ignore the voices in my head and not to be so hard on myself. Not exactly the help I was hoping for.

@TatianaBis

I wouldn’t dream of telling someone with any serious mental health issues to just go get a job, I’m not sure why people think anxiety is any different but I can see now they do.

But that is rather what you’re saying to your DH. You seem to see your DH’s anxiety as ‘different’. He has anxiety, you have anxiety, he finds this job too stressful - that’s equally ok as you finding your jobs stressful. You have no right to expect to lean on his earning capacity - he can’t lean on yours.

He leans on her for all the caring for his disabled son and housework. So much so that every time she mentions getting a job he tells her not to expect any help or support. He can't have it both ways.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

PLEASE CONTACT FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) TO TAKE YOUR POST DOWN

@FlissMumsnet (MNHQ) PLEASE DELETE THIS LADY POST NOW

I did speak to her and said I wanted the thread left up as I didn’t want people thinking I’d deleted it as I didn’t like the responses. I’m not sure why your demanding it be taken down?

Having read your follow up posts, I think your DH is belittling you and that’s completely unfair of him. While I did my PhD, I remember encountering a great number of idiots who themselves would try and make others feel small in casual ways - much like “you’re crap at maths.” His mental health shouldn’t come at the expense of yours. He seems very selfish. Maybe the best thing is an honest conversation about how he makes you feel, and then you take a break at your parents house with your son?

It also seems like you’re just focusing on the negative comments on this thread. Lots of us have offered advice, and your emphasis on the negatives is often a hallmark of anxiety. Try and step away when you feel like this thread is overwhelming, as no post on MN is entitled to harm your wellbeing.

4 months isn't a long time to allow yourself to get comfortable in a new job or a job with bigger responsibility or accountability, but if he doesn't think more time will change anything it is absolutely his choice to decide between his own mental health/level of stress he can endure and money.

You job is to listen and help him work out what he wants to do, without pressure. How would you feel if he told you you need to go and try something you aren't comfortable with?

OP what would happen if you just didn't react to his histrionics? No more convincing him to do something or soothing his brow as much as you are now?

I’ve told only told him that I would support him if he chooses to go back to his old job but suggested he speak to his managers about it first and try wait until after lock down, not least as I worry how it’ll look if he drops them in it right now. And to be fair I moved away from a place with better job prospects, friends and a cheaper life style for his work, whether I was comfortable with that or not didn’t come into it, I don’t think I can be more supportive than that.
I feel I should point out I do love him dearly but after so many years I know him and he’s just one of life’s moaners whether it’s something big or trivial so it’s hard to see sometimes if he’s just being gloomy and putting himself down or genuinely not coping.
Thank you to everyone who’s been supportive on here, I had no idea just how all consuming and exhausting having a SEN child would be so it’s nice to know some people get that.

[quote IncrediblySadToo]@Specksofwhiteallaround

This is honestly one of the most disgraceful pile-ins I have ever seen on MN and I've been here since the beginning of time.

You are NOT 'a waste of space'

I am disgusted with the vast majority of replies.

Your 'D'H is the one being unreasonable. HE lost his job & made you move and give up your job. HE won't toilet his disabled child, he won't look after his disabled child.

He's been Like this about every job for years, he won't give this one a decent shot in a few weeks when they're all back in the office. despite a LOT of support from work, he's still catastrophising.

And on top of all of that HE will whinge about being 'skint' 🙇🏻‍♀️

Holy fuck my love, anyone would be stressed , depressed & anxious living like that.

Your mother sounds like a right charmer too.

You need to realise you're worth more than the pair of them. Get some more counselling/therapy, to help YOU realise YOU deserve more and stop letting them define you.

Get whatever benefits & help you can get and have a good think about how much better your life could be on your own with DS, without him pulling you down and don't listen to your so called mothers nasty tongue either 🌷🤗[/quote]
Completely agree with this post

AIBU is a place where people hang out with the intention of tearing people down. Please don’t take it personally.

Hi OP, it was me that asked if you or your DH was on the spectrum. I apologise if that seemed intrusive.

I was just wondering because so many people with ASD seem to struggle with anxiety issues, my DS certainly does and so does DH who, like your DH believes he has leanings to ASD. It could be helpful to explore that because it could shine a light on somethings that are particularly stressful for him. It struck me that you said he is project managing - does he find executive functioning difficult? Planning, organising, prioritising etc? That's something that his employers could really help with supporting him with (he certainly won't be the only sort of aspie the MOD have ever met). Also if he's been doing all his work via Zoom meetings etc he might be struggling to read the visual 'cues' of how people of feeling and reacting more than usual.

The other thing that really resonated with me was what I've come to call the 'brain dumping'. Every worry, concern or thought that goes through his head goes onto you. It leaves you in a position of permanent worry not really knowing if you SHOULD be worried or not. Either way he's probably unaware of how draining and depleting his catastrophising is on you, particularly considering your own MH issues. I once told my DH it was like being trapped in a house with Chicken Licken. Does he need you to respond and soothe all these concerns or is he just brain dumping on you?
I'm so pleased you're still with this thread - I have been thinking of you!

Have you claimed everything you can benefits wise? If not, get advice from CAB on what you can claim or look on entitled.com

I can’t go in detail with his job but he manages safety so it’s definitely a stressful job but he chose to go down that avenue over a more hardware based role that reflects his phd subject more that he was offered as well. On good days he says he enjoys his job, he’s finds it interesting and is happy when he gets the recognition of doing a good job. His managers give him nothing but praise and his immediate managers were the ones who heavily campaigned with upper management for him to get this job as they thought he could do it and deserved the better pay and other perks. He’s just stuck in a cycle of never thinking he’s good enough. I just don’t see how to help him won’t that, if he won’t listen to his managers he’s not going to listen to me.
Even he jokes about the fact that he’s got a very negative view of the world, he joked this morning this is why he’s so good at safety, he’s always looking for the blip on the horizon. He bought something online a few weeks ago and it turned out to be the wrong thing, he’s still endlessly going on about it and apologising even though it wasn’t for me, I didn’t care and he sorted it out easily

Oh OP, this is horrible to read. You're allowed not to work AT ALL because of your social anxiety and ptsd - but you want to make your DH work himself into a stress-case and destroy his mental health just for the sake of a bit more money? I am speechless.

I’m bloody speechless at people wilfully missing the point so they can kick me about not working right now. I have worked, I’m not saying I’ll never work again, I’m trying but it’s not so simple as walk out the door and get a job. I’m not forcing him into a stressful job, it’s a job he choose to take and do people think if I left him he could just stop working completely, he’d still need to work and then he’d have to spend his spare time looking after his kid as opposed to being waited on hand and foot like he is now.
My point was I think he’s being hasty, he’s barely done the job in full and I think he’s panicking unduly. I wanted to know if I was unreasonable thinking he should stick it out to bit longer, not if I was a terrible wife who doesn’t pull her weight and whether it’s wrong or right that I’m not able to easily shake off 25 years of constant abuse from my shitty mother and just get a job.

OP has a DS with significant needs just to add to the mix. Her DH frustrates her attempts at work it's not that straightforward. Don't underestimate her DS' needs and the affect it has on the whole family. They need to work together to come with a solution and claim every benefit they are entitled to to ease the pressure.