Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

Haven’t RTFT but I agree with a PP who said that the first six months in a new job are usually the most stressful and with the pandemic on top, it’s been especially rough. If they’re returning to the office next month, I think he should stick it out a few months longer and see whether things improve. He might start feeling better when he’s back in the office and had a better handle on everything. If he’s still v. stressed, it’s not the job for him and he can return to his former one.

My DH suffered from stress a while back after starting a new, v. challenging job. Like yours, he thought he wasn’t good enough, but I encouraged him to stick at it for a while and it was a different story a few months later. He started to enjoy the challenges and It felt good to take on a more responsible role. Ultimately, it boosted his confidence.

It would be good if you could get some part-time employment and your DH learns how to take care of your DC on his own. Those should be your long term goals.

OP why are you accepting your DH decision not to look after your son on his own or even to take his part in dealing with DS incontinence? This is surely a deal breaker in a partnership?

Also why are you ignoring the question of how much your DH is earning? It's highly relevant to the advice people can give to help you.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I know my post reads as only being concerned with money but my husbands been in tears before over our lack of money, every time we have to use the credit card just to attend our sons school appointments and various hospital appointments he get upset so I can’t understand why he wants to go back to that. He was the one who was so relieved to finally be solvent and looking forward to the job, I just wish I’d never encouraged him. I guess the only solution is for me to find work but he won’t want to look after our son on his own all evening and weekends and do his day job on top of it. I’m really beginning to see how this is going to be my fault regardless, I’ll either be the heartless wife making him work a job he’s not happy in or the wife who makes him work all day then take care of our son the rest of the time

If you are able to get a job that'll help financially & then he can go back to h8s original role. If you get a job, he'll need to help with childcare. It's his child too!

it does sound like he doesnt believe in himself though & what he is capable of.

@Jihhery

I wonder that too. Take away his anxiety and what you're left with is a man who doesn't take any responsibility for his child, who actively wants his wife to not work and stay at home, and who refuses to adapt his work schedule to help the fsmily.

In any other thread OP would be encouraged to leave.

To be fair, if the OP had put all that stuff in her first post then I think some replies would have been different.

@Lostatsea1988

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m assuming you having read the fucking thread because only a cunt would reply something like that if they had.

It doesn't sound like much of a life for him. A stressful job he hates through the week, and then potentially having to care for a high needs child on his own the rest of the time.
There are really no daytime jobs available in your area at all? What about TA positions at your son's school?

Op,can you ask him to consider giving it until the end of September,meanwhile you will look into ways to
boost your income ?work together so he feels the entire burden is not on his shoulders and see what your options are about childcare.it may be by September he is back in the office and feels better about his job but you could still address your anxiety and seek employment for both your benefits.good luck.

@Specksofwhiteallaround I’m sorry you’ve had such a horrible response on here. I know it’s bloody hard when your mental health is suffering, but please try not to take it to heart. You are NOT a bad person, you are someone who is struggling and trying to find a way to release the pressure of having to keep it all to yourself and ask for advice.
After your updates I can’t offer much advice on how to deal with your husband (Other than a swift kick up the arse about his “parenting”) but I can about the benefits side. Please reapply for DLA for your son. If he’s doubly incontinent I assume he needs changing at nights and that will put him in the higher rate for personal care. You have an official diagnosis now, so send copies of all your letters. Also, please look into applying for PIP for yourself. You have a Chronic mental health condition so you may at least qualify for the basic rate. You can claim carers allowance and be in receipt of PIP yourself, so don’t think they cancel each other out. If you get DLA for your son and you get any form of Child Tax Credit, notify them ASAP and you will get a disability element added on.

Look after yourself OP and I wish you all the best.

I wasn’t sure whether to come back to this thread as It seemed a bit pointless as every attempt to try explain why my issues and the work climate in our immediate area make it not so easy to use go out and get a job is being labelled an excuse. My mother was a vicious, abusive alcoholic and I’ve struggled my entire with feeling that I’m a waste of space and an utter failure for struggling with life and not just being normal, it’s horrible realisation that the vast majority of replies here think the same. I wouldn’t dream of telling someone with any serious mental health issues to just go get a job, I’m not sure why people think anxiety is any different but I can see now they do.
To the people demanding to know our finances, yes Dh was vastly underpaid as he was on £35k but other colleagues were on the £55 k he now receives. We live here as we had to move close to the site he works in and this was the only place where there was a supermarket that is within walking distance and schools altho that turned out to be a moot point. Our rent is nearly £1000 and Dh has a large train bill every year for travel to work. Until last year we were also servicing a loan we had to take out to enable us to move here when he got this job and with other expenses associated with that we just never seemed to get to a position where we weren’t relying on credit cards at the end of the month. And I’m sorry to disappoint but it’s not me who’s sitting at home spending money we don’t have. The last time we finally cleared the credit card Dh started making noises about an event he wanted to attend- alone and because I don’t work and feel I’m constantly dragging him down I said that’s fine so almost £600 went on the card for a hotel, entry to the event and meals out while I stayed home with my son. He also got a new mobile phone on contract where as I used an old one of my dads that I was gifted for Christmas and only prepay.
As far as his support for me leaving my job he also encouraged me to leave as a was suffering chronic RSI and was diagnosed with skin cancer on top of my anxiety issues, the plan was to take some time and look for work that suited me better and meant I wasn’t working 12 hour shifts half the night as he wanted to see more of me but then he lost his job at the uni he worked at and shortly after I found out I was pregnant. When he got the job with this company we had to move to the south and my dad and step mum paid for everything for us and let me live with them for over a year with a newborn Dh went into a houseshare as that’s all we could afford to do. That’s when he started having confidence issues, every day I get messages about how sure he was they were going to sack him and how badly he’s doing etc but obviously they didn’t, he’s been offered two jobs in house and now this third one.
His mum worked and then was at home being cared for his by his dad from age 11 as she developed MS so I think that’s why he’s got this picture in his head about me being home for our son. He’s also unwilling to compromise on anything to do with his work to facilitate me working even if I could find something.
But yes I’ll agree I’m selfish for not wanting him to give up the money so soon. He was so happy to have that stress eliminated I just can’t understand why he’s so hell bent on going back to it. I’m also angry as he’s spent a over two grand of that money on himself when he must have known it was temporary, he also made a big deal of getting me a new mobile and a contract which now we’ve got to keep paying for.

Oh and I’m not sure why people keep suggesting I work at my sons school, it’s an hour bus ride away with few buses I can’t even make it there for his parent teacher days or nativity play let alone every day to work aside from the fact I’m not remotely trained to work with children with complex medical needs
I’d love to know where people live they can just walk into a job or set themselves up in business.

Why do you think a hour's bus ride is a bar to getting a job?

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time @Specksofwhiteallaround - so many things have happened to you that I'm impressed you've kept yourself going and you sound self aware, intelligent and kind.

Some of us have suggested genuinely helpful things you can do so it may be worth you jotting them down so you have them saved somewhere separate to the thread if you're finding some other posts too upsetting.

I suggested:

Reapply for PIP - as soon as possible. It's not means tested so whether your DH changes job or you get one at some point, that won't change it.

Contact Carers UK - they will be able to signpost you to how to apply for carers allowance and perhaps offer you some ongoing support

Contact epilepsy action - this is a fantastic and supportive charity that have signposted me to some great support resources over the last couple of years.

Are they things you feel able to maybe put on a list to do next week, so you feel like you're making some positive steps at least?



Ffs I don’t think an hours bus ride bars me from getting a job, I think the fact no buses are running when the school opens makes it difficult. The fact that I’d be waiting until 6pm to get a bus home that arrives at 7pm if no delays but my sons transport drops him off at 4pm and Dh doesn’t get home until 4:30 or 5pm and he can’t leave earlier makes it just a little difficult... The £12 a day it would cost for the bus and whoever I’d have to pay to watch my sons for a few hours vs the pay for a few hours work doesn’t make it an appealing prospect either to be honest. That’s why I said specifically that just getting a job at my sons School isn’t a realistic option.

@backseatcookers

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time *@Specksofwhiteallaround* - so many things have happened to you that I'm impressed you've kept yourself going and you sound self aware, intelligent and kind.

Some of us have suggested genuinely helpful things you can do so it may be worth you jotting them down so you have them saved somewhere separate to the thread if you're finding some other posts too upsetting.

I suggested:

Reapply for PIP - as soon as possible. It's not means tested so whether your DH changes job or you get one at some point, that won't change it.

Contact Carers UK - they will be able to signpost you to how to apply for carers allowance and perhaps offer you some ongoing support

Contact epilepsy action - this is a fantastic and supportive charity that have signposted me to some great support resources over the last couple of years.

Are they things you feel able to maybe put on a list to do next week, so you feel like you're making some positive steps at least?



All this is doable. And the extra money you're currently not getting will make a massive dent in your rent at the very least.

It isn't dependant on any job your bloke does. it'll help you feel more in control at least.

As for your bloke, yes he's flakey. It would drive me mad as well and he would get getting a load of home truths about whinging in the future and that x,y and z need to be taken care off before he drops his pay and what kind of plan does he have that doesn't drop on your head. But the overall tone of your thread that got people's backs up is that your MH issues trump his. There's no doubt that you're suffering, you don't need to explain.

I’m sorry the overall tone of thread is about my issues, I didn’t intend it to be but I knew people would ask why I wasn’t working and that’s the context of why at the moment I’m not. I’m absolutely not dismissing his stress but he doesn’t make it easy for me to help him. Pre lock down the local chip shop had a job advertised for two hours a day during school times, I thought it’d be a way of seeing how I managed working again. His response to me saying I might apply was to point out I’m crap at maths and will struggle then say he couldn’t take time off during the holidays so what would I do then and to be honest I don’t know what I would do, I can’t see that I could afford to pay someone to look after him while I’m working for just two hours a day.
Thank you to everyone with advice about benefits, I will definitely try sort that out, at least it would take the pressure off a bit.

I really think you should be looking into some kind of job, not for him but for you.

He sounds shit tbh, and putting you down every time you try to "break free" or telling you how it won't work because he's not willing to help in any way.

I wonder how much he actually contributes to your MH issues if all he offers is negativity and put downs.

You need this for yourself,build some confidence, have some independence and time away .

If job prospects aren't great, could you at least do some volunteering locally while your son is at school to get you used to being in a routine, around people etc?

@Specksofwhiteallaround

I’m sorry the overall tone of thread is about my issues, I didn’t intend it to be but I knew people would ask why I wasn’t working and that’s the context of why at the moment I’m not. I’m absolutely not dismissing his stress but he doesn’t make it easy for me to help him. Pre lock down the local chip shop had a job advertised for two hours a day during school times, I thought it’d be a way of seeing how I managed working again. His response to me saying I might apply was to point out I’m crap at maths and will struggle then say he couldn’t take time off during the holidays so what would I do then and to be honest I don’t know what I would do, I can’t see that I could afford to pay someone to look after him while I’m working for just two hours a day. Thank you to everyone with advice about benefits, I will definitely try sort that out, at least it would take the pressure off a bit.

Well to be fair that's not massively supportive of him either. Why do you have to be good at maths to work in a chip shop? Is he aware of these modern inventions called tills? You can get some good ones by Fisher Price if he needs to be introduced to the concept. The holiday childcare aspect is perhaps an issue but that appears to have been an afterthought. For all you knew, you could have swapped to evening shifts at those times, or found a friend to help out...maybe that latter isn't an option when your son has complex needs, but the point is your husband wasn't willing even to look at possible solutions.

When this thread started my first thought was that you can't say poor mental health prevents you from working and not him, but it's looking more complex now. He's got to take some responsibility for this as well.

Why do you think a hour's bus ride is a bar to getting a job?

It is not if you can work flexible/full time but it can be a deal breaker of you can only work limited school hours .

also special school don't usually employ parents of children who don't have any work experience in working with children with complex needs. Just shows how bloody ignorant many posters are again when it comes to finding a job whilst caring a a child with complex needs and the absence of any wrap and holiday childcare. Some people must have some truly sheltered lifes if they cannot comprehend it.

I wouldn’t dream of telling someone with any serious mental health issues to just go get a job, I’m not sure why people think anxiety is any different but I can see now they do.

But that is rather what you’re saying to your DH. You seem to see your DH’s anxiety as ‘different’. He has anxiety, you have anxiety, he finds this job too stressful - that’s equally ok as you finding your jobs stressful. You have no right to expect to lean on his earning capacity - he can’t lean on yours.

To be honest, the more you post about him. The more it sounds like he likes you exactly where you are.

@backseatcookers

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time *@Specksofwhiteallaround* - so many things have happened to you that I'm impressed you've kept yourself going and you sound self aware, intelligent and kind.

Some of us have suggested genuinely helpful things you can do so it may be worth you jotting them down so you have them saved somewhere separate to the thread if you're finding some other posts too upsetting.

I suggested:

Reapply for PIP - as soon as possible. It's not means tested so whether your DH changes job or you get one at some point, that won't change it.

Contact Carers UK - they will be able to signpost you to how to apply for carers allowance and perhaps offer you some ongoing support

Contact epilepsy action - this is a fantastic and supportive charity that have signposted me to some great support resources over the last couple of years.

Are they things you feel able to maybe put on a list to do next week, so you feel like you're making some positive steps at least?



An excellent post.

OP. I was so saddened by your later posts.
It sounds like there is unhappiness in your marriage as well as deep seated unhappiness from your past.

There has been some excellent advice on this thread , albeit wedged between some unkind vitriol. I regret the tone of my previous post on this thread OP and you have my sincere apologies for that.

I really hope that you are able to address some of the issues that you have shared, bravely, on here.

Very best of wishes.

If your son receives DLA (at least middle rate care) then you can put in a claim for Carers allowance. Getting DLA should also add extra elements to tax credits and universal credit (universal credit would also add a carers element). Have you looked into applying for PIP for yourself?

Your husband does sound stressed with work, could he maybe chat with a manager about how they think he’s doing and what the company can do to help?

OP, what do other parents at your son's school do in the holidays? Surely they can't all have a SAHP.