Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

OP the main things that strikes me from your thread is that your overall situation seems to be unsustainable and that the location you live in isn't helping. There don't seem to be any jobs, the public transport is limited and the rent is high. Could you look at moving to a new area where the cost of living is lower and there are more opportunities? I don't really see that your problems are going to be resolved unless you and DH come up with a long-term plan to address the issues you face and look all the possible ways of solving them.

In the meantime, I agree with PP, advertise yourself as a domestic cleaner and see if you can pick up some hours while DS is at school. A friend of mine who's a lone parent with no support from her ex did this and is making enough to live on.

Oh and she doesn't even want him to keep the job forever, but at least until September until their child is back at school and she has some wiggle room with childcare.

Even if she could to she can't get a job tomorrow,next week or in two weeks because he WON'T look after their child.

Hi Specksofwhiteallaround,

We just wanted to pop in and ask whether you're comfortable with this thread remaining or whether you'd like us to delete it?

Do let us know as we're happy to help.

That's a huge pay increase so I can see why it's a real dilemma, tbh.

Firstly, are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to for your disabled child? DLA and carer's allowance, primarily. If 30k was a step up from your husband's previous role, then I doubt that wouod bring you into the universal credit bracket.

I take it you live in an area where rents are high? Do you have debts to service? I'm just trying to visualise struggling to find a bus fare (if your dc gets higher rate mobility, they'd be entitled to a bus pass, btw) against a high salary unless non-discretionary outgoings were high.

I'm not sure people are reading the whole thread here. And are coming up with simplistic answers. Some of the responses are coming across as cruel. It is not always what you say, but how you say it. I see it a lot on here, I wonder how much you would say in real life? I agree sometimes people are being unreasonable on AIBU, but I think we all need to try and have some empathy and put ourselves in other peoples shoes, and have a little think about whether we can really make such comments without knowing the whole story (in most cases, there isn't enough information to get the pitchforks out).

OP is saying she would like to work but her DH won't share the childcare. And he doesn't want her to work evenings/weekends. She is looking after a child with SEN who has very complex needs. I can't imagine how hard that must be. I feel for her, and I feel for her DH.

Hopefully she can look for something from home in September when her son is back at school. I'd agree that it's a good idea to check out the £10 a day thread.

Her DH is as stressed in every job he has had. It sounds like he needs some mental health support too.

OP you aren't worthless, your mother sounds very cruel.

Haven't RTFT but wanted to say that your DH will be able to get free and immediate mental health support such as telephone counselling via the MOD/civil service's relevant Employee Assistance Programme. I've used it when in very stressful situations at work, and it has been helpful.

I would suggest examining your finances properly making a spreadsheet of all your income vs outcome - a statement of affairs like they do on the debt free wannabe board on money saving expert, going through each bill to see if you can shave something off it. Give yourself a money makeover, haggle over your mobile phones, cancel sky, switch energy company insurances etc

If you ease the financial pressure it might help both of you relax. As another poster said, there is a £10 threads on money matters in here and plenty of ideas of bringing some extra in on money saving expert and even if you can’t get a job outside the home you might be able to make a bit extra whilst at home.

Definitely double check again about the benefits situation.

He was the one to encourage my to leave my previous job when he saw how badly I was coping with it and has said it’s best if I stay home

Remember this, OP. Do for him what he did for you. Be supportive.

FWIW I agree with you saying he should try and hang on until Septmeber when the office opens up again. Maybe he can take some leave until then? Sounds like the managers would be fine with this. It will also mean your son starting school, which should lighten the load further. Maybe at that point you could look into employment that takes place during school hours, or something fulltime and use some of the wages to pay for wraparound care.

@SixesAndEights

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. If it were just this job that was causing him anxiety, then yes, but since every single job he's in is the same, then why not stay in the one that pays £20K more if nothing is actually going to change for him mental health wise if he drops back? Also only taking 2 weeks leave in a year is really stupid.

If he does go back, then I think it's unreasonable of him to continue his stance of not parenting your son alone. I think that's ridiculous! As you've explained it means you're unable to work round him being there, because it's as if you're a single mum with no support.

You moved somewhere for his job, and have been unable to get one yourself that works round both his hours and his refusal to parent. He doesn't want you to have a job where he might be needed at home at any time because he only takes 2 weeks leave himself. He also told you that it would be best to leave your job and to stay at home.

I think it has to be up to him what he does, I also think that if he returns to his old job then you need to make clear that that things have to change. Despite your social anxiety and ptsd you've worked in the past, so you're not incapable of doing so now.

Have a think about what YOU would like from life, how you'd like to see your family progress, then talk to him when you have it clear in your mind what you want to do.

Exactly.

Most posters seem to have missed (or wilfully ignored!) the fact that he's been like this for years, just on less money. Might as well be better paid.

& agree with your next post too!

Poor guy

And with 5 people off with stress in his team

And with taking a week ‘stress leave’ himself

Sounds a worse gig than the previous one (even though he complained a noisy that)

I read the first and last pages so sorry if i have missed some details but wanted to.offer my support. The first replies were a bit harsh, if your DH is unprepared to do childcare for a DC with special needs it makes finding a job much more difficult for OP. Frankly OP if you had a paid job it would probably be easier than looking after your son, so I think people are being a unkind.
I do get why you dont you him to return to lower paid job with all the financial implications. Has your DH spoken to his manger or HR? Has told him he is not meeting required standards of job? He may well be doing better than he thinks, it sounds like his colleagues have faith in him! If he generally finds work stressful then there isnt a guarantee a different role will make him happier. Perhaps he needs to talk to his GP, medication and counseling can help anxiety,are you getting any help as well?
He really needs to step up with the parenting, if he does then it will make it easier for you to take on a job which will ease financial pressure and probably be good for too.

(about that, not a noisy that)

I agree with comeonbabypopmybubble, every word. I hope you are ok op. AIBU is frequently a very mean place, with pretty useless judgy lectures dressed up as 'advice'. I'd find a different forum to ask for help. There are some kind posters on here that have made some good suggestions. Focus on those to see if anything might be useful. In the meantime, I think a respectful but frank conversation with your DH is in order. Perhaps tell him your concerns (he will complain anyway, you need the extra money, he is resistant to you working so that limits your ability to help out financially). Ask him what he suggests as a reasonable outcome. Good luck.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

This is honestly one of the most disgraceful pile-ins I have ever seen on MN and I've been here since the beginning of time.

You are NOT 'a waste of space'

I am disgusted with the vast majority of replies.

Your 'D'H is the one being unreasonable. HE lost his job & made you move and give up your job. HE won't toilet his disabled child, he won't look after his disabled child.

He's been Like this about every job for years, he won't give this one a decent shot in a few weeks when they're all back in the office. despite a LOT of support from work, he's still catastrophising.

And on top of all of that HE will whinge about being 'skint' 🙇🏻‍♀️

Holy fuck my love, anyone would be stressed , depressed & anxious living like that.

Your mother sounds like a right charmer too.

You need to realise you're worth more than the pair of them. Get some more counselling/therapy, to help YOU realise YOU deserve more and stop letting them define you.

Get whatever benefits & help you can get and have a good think about how much better your life could be on your own with DS, without him pulling you down and don't listen to your so called mothers nasty tongue either 🌷🤗

'20K is around minimum wage'

No it's not!

How is the husband not getting much flack for refusing to work all day and look after kids all evening... like most other people do!

Sorry I’ve not rtft but are you getting carers allowance and dla for your child and or tax credits of applicable perhaps at the lower income amount which you get a premium with of your child gets dla

Haven't read the whole thread, just the first 30 or so posts. Sorry,

First 6 months in any new job are the most stressful. Imposter syndrome etc. In house promotion in a state job with a 20k pay rise also suggests he was being seriously underpaid before.

Inclined to encourage him to give it his best shot. Call it a day at Christmas and take a step back if it has not improved after 3 months (possibly) of normal working. Also an opportunity to see if they are prepared to deal with chronic understaffing or will simply flog your husband until he drops/goes off with stress. Life is too short.

In the meantime, look to yourself and how you can make things better. Put together an action plan and stick to it. What's good for the goose and all that.
You don't have to run to be 46 but there are always things that will help financially or with stress.

'20K is around minimum wage'No it's not!

Minimum wage is 18k (40h week) so it's not far off!

He was the one to encourage my to leave my previous job when he saw how badly I was coping with it and has said it’s best if I stay home

I'm not sure how kind this actually was. He doesn't have to adult and he won't let her have a life outside the house. She's a maid of all work while he spends money on himself. In his shoes, thinking of quitting, I'd be saving hard and thinking about the reality of caring for my child in the evenings. He just assumes this little Mary Poppins will be there to offload on, doing the jobs he won't do with no prospects, increasingly reliant. How is that kind?

I really feel for your OP. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Regular childcare isn’t an option for a severely disabled child, you have your own mental health issues to deal with and a husband who won’t compromise to facilitate you working but whinges non-stop about not having a lot of money.
I think you have to put it to him that prior to the pay rise he was utterly miserable due to lack of money and you refuse to return to that situation so you will be getting a job. If he whinges about caring for your son and having no free time you need to point out to him that this option doesn’t give you any free time either but it’s what needs to be done to alleviate the financial hardship.

@Lostatsea1988 your post is unnecessarily nasty. Completely out of order!

to all those posters telling OP to get a job - she has a DS with SN who attends a special school. I.e. his needs must be quite complex. Given that fact that in the in the UK usually neither wrap around care nor holiday childcare exists for children with SN, what job could the OP do? There is not much. Next to nothing.

We’re only entitled to Dla, I will admit we last applied on advice of portage before our son was officially diagnosed and were turned down, we do need to reapply. He earns too much to claim anything else

sort the DLA application. and if you get middle or high rate care, you will get carers allowance too. it's independent of how much your DH earns and it's about £66/week.