Am I horrible wife to not want my Dh to go back down A pay grade?

[Specksofwhiteallaround]

Just before lock down my husband was encouraged to apply for a job within his current company that came with a hell of a pay jump - an extra £20 k a year. I can’t go into detail as he works with the MoD but it’s essentially the same as his old job but a larger project hence the pay increase. He dithered a bit as he thought he wouldn’t get it but went for it and after being vouched for by various managers and coworkers above him he got it. He was told at the time if he was too much for him he could go back to his old job with no penalties.
Roll on four or so months and he’s now stressed, convinced he’s holding up the entire project and wants to go back to his old job. My problem with this is he has a horribly negative view of the world and no self confidence at all so he was exactly the same in his old job, only on top of that we were horribly off with money. We could afford our rent and bills but were having to use the credit card frequently for unexpected expenses. Public transport is sketchy and expensive so we never went anywhere unless my parents happened to visit and take us which is pretty embarrassing. Any treats were not an option and if we were given notice from our landlord we would be in an awful position.
He’s also refusing it acknowledge that he hasn’t actually had any time in this job that hasn’t been during lock down and working from home. It’s not an easy job to do at home, at least five of his co workers and managers have gone off work with stress and he was forced to take a week off before he ended up the same. They’ve now taken on additional staff and he admits things would be easier when they’re actually in a normal work environment but doesn’t seem willing to waiting until September when it sounds like they’ll all be back in work and see if there’s an improvement.
For context we have a six year old son who is autistic and attends a special school, I myself do not work as I have severe social anxiety and ptsd on top of that. I’d love to be able to say to him, fine go back to the old job but all I can think is that we can finally get by without getting into debt or worse having handouts from my family and he’s going to throw it all away and go back to a job that he spent just as much time complaining about and he’ll expect me to be sympathetic about it. I can’t even talk about it to my family as I’m mortified about talking to them about finally standing on our own two feet and giving my son everything he misses out on and then having to tell them we’re right back where we started.
I’m just so demoralised by it all that I can’t tell if I’m being completely selfish and if I should be supporting him with his choice.

Sorry I’ve just realised quite what an essay that is

@Thisismytimetoshine

DLA isn't means tested hmm I wasn't suggesting she shouldn't claim DLA... 🤷🏻‍♀️

So what was your point?

Sounds like your dh needs therapy as well.I think you need to sit down and come up with a plan. Start applying for jobs now, advertising for cleaning, dog walking, what have you. Ask him to stick it out until you start working in September. Regardless of his end decision you need to work. It will be good for your mental health.

@Di11y

I really think he needs some leave and to suck it up until end of Sept. Perhaps check with his manager to get some feedback about his performance.

This completely as it could reassure him

OP are either you or your DH on the spectrum at all? I only ask because that could really help with directing advice to support you all as a family.

Just ask him to choose, he keeps the high paying job or he steps down are you take an evening/weekend job. His choice, but he is not allowed to complain about it afterwards.

@Specksofwhiteallaround

My ptsd is down to an abusive childhood, which is why it’s not so simple as get therapy and sort it out. I am trying my best and he knew my issues well when we got together. He was the one to encourage my to leave my previous job when he saw how badly I was coping with it and has said it’s best if I stay home as before our son was school age we had frequently visits with portage and speech therapy etc and he couldn’t take time off for this. He’s also not keen on me having a job where he’d need to take leave to share child care in the holidays as it’s not easy for him to take it if he has deadlines etc, he only really takes two weeks at Christmas as it is.

Look at cleaners or dinner lady jobs as these are school holiday friendly

Help out on the transport to the schools etc

These are a few hours to ease you in and holidays free

Your be working in the day and watching child at night so ideally why shouldn't he too?

If you earned just £15k a year that would be more take home than your husband’s £20k a year pay rise due to tax. I would support my husbands emotional well-being and look into earning myself if I was concerned about money being tight.

Surely therapy is teaching you that you need to face your social anxiety related fears, not continue avoiding?

His MH matters as much as yours does.

Could you find a job you could do from home? Or one where you.pretty much work away from others. It seems do unfair to push your partner to the point he had to take time off due to stress when you do not contribute financially yourself. How would you feel if your DH pushed you to go out to work to earn money and you felt stressed and uncomfortable?

Please, please apply for PIP. It could make a big difference to you all. It's not means tested so you won't need to reapply all over again whether changes jobs or not.

And speak to carersuk about your situation, ask them for advice.

Also speak to epilepsy action - they are the charity bit of the national epilepsy society and are incredible at signposting support and resources. I could be paying about £80 a week on prescriptions if I hadn't spoken to them and found out about things like prepaid prescriptions and exempt prescriptions. That's just an example - they will be able to give you some really good starting points.

@Goongoon

Sorry, just saw your last post and you’ve addressed therapy. However, I disagree. PTSD due to an abusive childhood can only be addressed through therapy. So it is as simple as getting good therapy to work through it. The therapy itself will be very challenging, but nothing compared to what you’ve already been through, or what it’s like day to day living with PTSD. I know from experience.

Some yes some no.

Therapy didn't do to much for me and I was abused as a child I take anti depressants which have made the world of difference (dont shoot me!)

I work full time in a stressful job and have quiet a few children (single mother)

Working has done me the best turn I can't tell you

Something to throw yourself into

Could you walk dogs, make cakes or iron for others? Take some pressure off of your DH. He has tried and is now struggling. He needs your help.

OP if your son is at a special school can you not think of work to do whilst he is at school? Dog walking? Pet boarding? Cleaning? Audio typing for an agency? These aren't highly paid jobs but you would be earning under the tax and NI threshold so it would make a big difference to your family income.

We have a rule in our family that we all try as hard as we can. That doesn't mean we all have to do the same thing, or even get the same outcome, but that no-one should be making a monumental personal effort if someone else isn't really trying that hard. It's not about what you do, or even what you get out of it that matters, when you're looking at what's 'fair', try to look at equality of effort.

The cruelty on this thread is shocking. Poverty, mental health and children with disabilities are EACH a heavy burden to carry, never mind all together. Shouting GETAJOB at OP isn't going to help.

Think I’m gonna leave this thread now, all I can think of right now is my mum telling me I was a waste of oxygen for not working full time when I was suffering with depression and had recently taken an overdose. Think this thread shows well enough she was right.

Poor man. Sounds like he’s having an awful time at work and at home. I’d be very worried that he’s heading for a breakdown or a heart attack.

So he recognised that you were struggling a few years ago and suggested you take some time out of your role, to help reduce your stress and make your quality of life a little better.
Was he "embarrassed" to tell his family of your needs, it seems he just did what was good for you, very caring.

He is potentially in the same position and you need to help support him.

I understand that he hates being skint and that he is in reality doing ok at his job, but he feels bad, he feels anxious and he feels like he's failing.

He must feel awful having all this on his plate, the decisions between his own mental health or an average standard of living, the pressure of that must be intense to feel he is dragging his family down because of his mental health.

Would your job earn more than a childcare arrangement for your son? Even if it's only a little more?

The cruelty on this thread is shocking. Poverty, mental health and children with disabilities are EACH a heavy burden to carry, never mind all together. Shouting GETAJOB at OP isn't going to help. Not that I don’t agree, but “poverty” doesn’t seem applicable when he’s just had a 20k pay rise. I’m speculating, but I’m assuming he earned a fair whack before for 20k to be a reasonable % increase. The big issue here, IMO, is that OP and her husband don’t appear to be a team at all, they don’t seem to do anything to support each other. What is OP going to do (financially) if the marriage falls apart? PP may have been cruel in their approach, but OP is going to have to address her finances either through work or available benefits. Sure, shouting GETAJOB doesn’t help, but OP not addressing her finances may not end well.

Think I’m gonna leave this thread now, all I can think of right now is my mum telling me I was a waste of oxygen for not working full time when I was suffering with depression and had recently taken an overdose. Think this thread shows well enough she was right.

OP I am so sorry anyone ever said that to you, let alone your own mother. You are not a waste of oxygen. You sound like a very caring mum and your little boy needs you. Please don’t do the same thing to your DH though: he’s struggling, listen to him and help him, don’t just force him to keep going, and if he does indeed need to stay in the role because of the money then find a way to support him/get him the support he needs.

It sounds like your husband's own anxieties are to be swept aside and he should continue in a job making him so unhappy, while you can't work at all because of social anxiety...? I would wonder why your own mental health is to be protected but his is to be shredded?

Interesting. In your post, I see a bully.

Interesting.. makes me the same as the OP... YAY

@Specksofwhiteallaround

Think I’m gonna leave this thread now, all I can think of right now is my mum telling me I was a waste of oxygen for not working full time when I was suffering with depression and had recently taken an overdose. Think this thread shows well enough she was right.

No she’s not. She’s nasty.

But that may be how your DH is taking your stance on his work. He’s suffering from low self esteem/confidence which may be related to depression and he’s clearly very stressed.,

There are plenty of WFH jobs around if you can’t leave the house. Even more so due to lockdown effect.

The cruelty on this thread is shocking. Poverty, mental health and children with disabilities are EACH a heavy burden to carry, never mind all together. Shouting GETAJOB at OP isn't going to help.

Exactly. AIBU should come with a bloody health warning. It makes me so angry the amount of people willing to put the boot into a vulnerable person. Does nobody think there's a real person behind that post. Do you not think of the repercussions resulting from your harsh words. A person who has said they have PTSD from childhood abuse. But yeah, get a job (in a pandemic) that'll cure you.

I hope you are OK, OP. I don't have any advice for you other than stay off AIBU.

I can tell a lot of the new posters aren't even reading OP's update.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

OP's husband

Has bitched and moaned about every single job he's had for the past 14 years.

Has bitched and moaned about the lack of money.

Was excited about the new job.

Has spent the extra money he earns and enjoyed it.

Refuses to look after their son.

Refuses to deal with his double incontinence.

When OP mentions getting a job his first reaction is to tell her he "can't " take time off, he "can't " do holidays, he "can't " do appointments.

Does not do anything around the house.

Does not attend medical or school appointments for their son.

How the fuck is he the victim?

OP is seriously struggling with her mental health but working on it and getting slightly better and more confident. She definitely sounds like she does want a job. You know what knocks her confidence? A whiney husband that keeps telling her that everything will be HER responsibility because he "can't ".

It's funny how a lot of posters think it's fine that he won't look after their child or do anything around the house, but expect OP to get a day job or term time job to fit around HIM and still be fully responsible for their child and the house.

@Summerhillsquare

The cruelty on this thread is shocking. Poverty, mental health and children with disabilities are EACH a heavy burden to carry, never mind all together. Shouting GETAJOB at OP isn't going to help.

I think the issue is the poverty part. The issue with the 20K pay rise but on the breadline before doesn’t add up. That’s at least a couple of grades in his field, and doesn’t make sense if he was on a low salary. The OP isn’t answering the question, just saying the rent is high. Plus there has been a massive drip feed regarding the child, and why haven’t the non means tested benefits to which such a child must be entitled been claimed? The OP is the career for a child with complex needs. In a situation where the family can’t afford bus fares and rely on family for lifts? There is a lot of support potentially, but too much isn’t adding up.