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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2020 22:05

Pretty shocked at the high number of people who have a problem with this.

I think it is perfectly normal. I am married and go out to dinner, cinema, drinks with male friends. Some are married, some are in ltr, some are single. I dont remotely fancy any of them, but a lot of them are my closest friends and two of them are like brothers to me. Nothing remotely untoward.

I hate this males and females cant be friends bullshit.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 22:05

If you can't trust anyone that's a very sad existence

Nah, just means I won't be overly shocked if he ever does cheat. I trust him, I don't stop him going places. Doesn't mean I will ever trust him completely.
You might think I have a very sad existance, I think you're niave 🤷

MrsMayo · 05/08/2020 22:06

JizzPigeon22

After reading your last post I would say they aren't happy.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:06

@Jihhery

I don't understand why you've started this thread. You're arguing with anyone who doesn't agree with you. You don't need or want a different perspective.

I think you don't have the full story here. You're not in the marriage. You know too much but not enough to really understand why she reacted the way she did. If you want people to agree with you about how ridiculous the wife was, I find that a bit sad. She's lost her husband too, now. Why not leave her alone. You at least have a best friend.

Are you for real

She had lost her husband too? The OPs husband died for Christ's sake it's not the same thing!!

LunaNorth · 05/08/2020 22:06

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Flowers

I think your friend is better off without his wife though. She sounds like a drain.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:06

@Jihhery

I don't understand why you've started this thread. You're arguing with anyone who doesn't agree with you. You don't need or want a different perspective.

I think you don't have the full story here. You're not in the marriage. You know too much but not enough to really understand why she reacted the way she did. If you want people to agree with you about how ridiculous the wife was, I find that a bit sad. She's lost her husband too, now. Why not leave her alone. You at least have a best friend.

She hasn't lost her husband at all. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:07

I’ve not argued with anybody?

OP posts:
AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:07

Well, who did he plan to take with him? Because you had to book tickets in advance for the first showing of the new Marvel movie so it wasn't a spur of the moment purchase.
And are you now saying that she kicked him out for going to the cinema with you and his response was to turn up to stay at your house?
Yy if this is all innocent on your part, I'm not sure it is on his. He could have paid for a hotel rather than run to the woman his DW was suspicious about. If I were you, I'd be very unhappy that an apparent friend put me in the middle of his relationship dramas like that especially after your bereavement.
And it's not about having male or female friends. Both I and DH have friends of the opposite sex and meet them without each other. The problem is entirely with the situation your friend has created here.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 22:08

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this . I know that MN is ( supposedly) full of “ cool wives “ but my mind simply boggles at the idea you think your friend’s wife is in the wrong here .
I am really sorry you lost your husband however I think you have overstepped a boundary .
I now await a flaming.......

Redwinestillfine · 05/08/2020 22:09

I wouldn't be happy with it, sorry op.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:10

@Oldbutstillgotit

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this . I know that MN is ( supposedly) full of “ cool wives “ but my mind simply boggles at the idea you think your friend’s wife is in the wrong here . I am really sorry you lost your husband however I think you have overstepped a boundary . I now await a flaming.......
Birds of a feather flock together

Most people hang out with people like them. So if you're someone who doesn't like their partners having freedom, I mean female friends then you're most likely to have friends of the same opinion. Thus creating an echo chamber

I'm the same but in reverse. I don't know one female who would have an issue with it.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:10

I live in a rural part of Cornwall, you definitely don’t need to book tickets for a 12 o clock showing here!

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/08/2020 22:10

I was single for years and had this countless times. Got on with women until they found out I was single, then they thought I was after their man, got on with men, until their partners found out I was single and hated it.

The cinema wouldn't have been an issue to me at all.

However, when they had the row about you, he came and stayed at yours and discussed all the details, that's the thing that crosses the line here imo. He should have stayed elsewhere.

Timekeeper2 · 05/08/2020 22:11

@Oldbutstillgotit Exactly. I too don't know any woman off Mumsnet that would be ok with this. This site is strange sometimes.

nokidshere · 05/08/2020 22:12

It sounds too me like she hasn't ever been totally comfortable with it but tolerated it and felt 'safer' because you were married. That dynamic has now changed and she now feels threatened because you are single.

You can't control how she feels about the situation but I think, in your position, I'd be telling my friend to sort out his relationship problems and step back for a while.

BonfireStarter · 05/08/2020 22:12

I wouldn't be happy, I'd say you should back off from this friendship for her sake. Maybe she would like to go to the cinema with him (to see something else).

dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 22:13

Omg do some of you also forbid talking about relationship problems with friends? What are friends for if not to confide in? I’m not surprised the guy went to OP’s after his wife kicked him out, she’s a very long-standing and close friend! Honestly some of you are bonkers, living life by a 1950s “etiquette” manual

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 22:13

How often did you see each other ? Once a week , twice , three times ?

CornishTiger · 05/08/2020 22:13

I would have no issue with it at all.

saraclara · 05/08/2020 22:13

I can only assume that all the posters who think that it's totally inappropriate for OP and her best friend to go the cinema together, want to jump the bones of every male they know. Clearly they can't understand that a man and a woman can be friends without doing so.

My closest friend of 15 years is a single man, and I've never once wanted any kind of sexual contact with him. It's an entirely different sort of friendship, but clearly that's entirely out of some people's experience.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:14

@BonfireStarter

I wouldn't be happy, I'd say you should back off from this friendship for her sake. Maybe she would like to go to the cinema with him (to see something else).
For her sake? So the OP owes a man she has known since she was 3 years old less than his wife who was nasty to her over the phone and clearly a nutter?
FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2020 22:14

@jbizz totally agree. I also dont have any friends who would have a problem with this. We arent 'cool wives'. Just normal people in secure marriages...

AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:14

Ok, so he didn't book the tickets in advance because you live in one of the few places it wasn't necessary. But he did run to you and stay at your house after his DW put him out for an inappropriate relationship/friendship with you. Wake up, OP. If this is innocent on your part, it isn't on his. And for him to draw you into his dramas when you're grieving is despicable. I'd be making myself unavailable for his regular, unannounced drop-ins.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:14

I wasn’t going to turn away my friend in a moment of need like that. People may think that was wrong but we all need friends to talk to when we’re going through a shit time.

OP posts:
Watdafark · 05/08/2020 22:15

If a man has no female friends at all, I wonder what's wrong with him. Big red flag AFAIC.

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