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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 22:15

I'm the same but in reverse. I don't know one female who would have an issue with it.

Same. My friends and I know a few people in relationships where one party is controlling in the sense of policing their partner’s friendships and we all express concern and wish they’d dump the controller. I hate the “crazy woman” cliche as much as the next person but it sounds like OP’s friend would be better off without his controlling and possessive wife.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 05/08/2020 22:15

It doesn't really matter if we think it's acceptable, his wife didn't and they are supposed to be a team, partnership and put each others feelings and needs first. She might have been sick of him coming to yours after work, spending more time with you and this was the final straw we don't know, we can't judge their relationship by what we think is acceptable. For her this wasn't, this should have been enough for him to back off, spend more time with her and less with you. If he hasn't that's for them to work through.

Shodan · 05/08/2020 22:16

Maybe she was having an affair herself and was just looking for an excuse to throw him out.

A lot of mention is made on MN about projection, so who knows?

Whatever it was-throwing your DH out, then telephoning his recently bereaved best friend to berate her over a trip to the cinema, is a sign of a deeply unpleasant person, imo.

Oldbutstillgotit · 05/08/2020 22:16

@ JBizz it’s not about freedom it’s about respect and appropriateness. I know no- one ( male or female ) who would be ok with this .

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:17

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this you don't know a single woman who would be ok with their partner being in a public place with a woman?

AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:17

Well, thankfully, the friends I know don't jeopardise their friend's marriages.
They know when to say 'actually it's not ok for you to stay here because your DW thinks our relationship is inappropriate and running straight to your lover is what you would do if we were having an affair'.

Silentplikebath · 05/08/2020 22:17

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH took a female friend to the cinema without telling me. It’s not about me giving him permission, it’s about showing respect to me and making sure I’m ok with it.

Personally I would never want to do anything that caused problems in someone else’s marriage. I know you’ve been friends with this man forever but it sounds like you need to be more considerate to his wife and stop relying on him so much.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:17

@Oldbutstillgotit

@ JBizz it’s not about freedom it’s about respect and appropriateness. I know no- one ( male or female ) who would be ok with this .
It's not disrespectful to go to the cinema with a friend

It's actually quite disrespectful to your husband, wife of partner to trust them so little as to not think it's acceptable for them to go out with friends to the cinema

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:17

I think it’s more disrespectful to control your partner to the extent that their friends have to have a specific set of genitalia.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 05/08/2020 22:17

Omg do some of you also forbid talking about relationship problems with friends?

Some things should be just between a couple.

If, rightly or wrongly, theres an issue with a third party in the marriage, that person shouldn't be the 'go to' person to talk about these issues if you want the marriage to last.

If one of my friends partners has an issue with me I wouldn't expect them to come to me to discuss what their partner said about me and stay at my house.

BluebellForest836 · 05/08/2020 22:18

However, when they had the row about you, he came and stayed at yours and discussed all the details, that's the thing that crosses the line here imo. He should have stayed elsewhere

100% agree. He shouldn’t of come to yours. He was in the wrong and would of made it 10x worse.

Also, I wouldn’t be happy with it either.

MsSquiz · 05/08/2020 22:18

It wouldn't bother me if DH met up with a close female friend to go to the cinema. I'd probably be quite pleased if it was a film I didn't want to see as it means he wasn't missing out because I didn't want to go with him.

I would only find it odd if it was pre planned and he didn't mention it to me (not saying this was the case)

It does sound like she might already have issues with your friendship and him making plans with you while she is unaware hasn't helped matters. You only get to hear his version of events (and her pissed off rant), but not where it had come from. Situations like this rarely come from nowhere, this started somewhere between them and you have been put right in the middle of it all

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/08/2020 22:19

@Oldbutstillgotit

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this . I know that MN is ( supposedly) full of “ cool wives “ but my mind simply boggles at the idea you think your friend’s wife is in the wrong here . I am really sorry you lost your husband however I think you have overstepped a boundary . I now await a flaming.......
I find it strange that on MN if you dare to disagree with what another woman find an appropriate boundary within her own marriage you're snidely labelled a "cool wife" because god forbid anyone's marriage differs from yours. Is the opposite of a "cool wife" an "uptight, insecure wife"?

I'm not a cool wife and have no intention of ever attempting to become one, but when I say that I am perfectly happy for DH to spend time in the company of other women I am speaking the absolute truth. It doesn't mean I think all women should be ok with it, but for us it works. I spend time with male friends and travel often around Europe for work and if we were the kind of couple who felt put out that our partners were elsewhere with someone of the opposite sex our marriage would have disintegrated by now. I don't cheat because I value my marriage, not because I abstain from the company of men.

OP clearly has no intention of doing anything but spending time with her friend. His DW has an issue with that and instead of dealing with it within their marriage, the DW chose to direct her ire at OP and blame her for the DH's choices. That's not OP's fault.

SirVixofVixHall · 05/08/2020 22:19

I am so sorry for your loss.
I would be completely happy with my husband doing this, and he does. He has female friends who like the films I hate and has gone to the cinema with them. He has several female friends from school who he sees regularly, sometimes with me, sometimes not. I don’t mind what sex his friends are. ( I have male friends and always have had).

Lonelykettleshed · 05/08/2020 22:19

Firstly, sorry for the loss of your husband.

Secondly, I got to the theatre with my BIL 1-2 a month (pre C19) and also to the cinema and we often have dinner beforehand. I have no desire to get anywhere near his pants, we just like theatre and respective partners don't. We don't hide it, everyone's happy - what's the problem? My OH loves action films and sci-fi. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch, I'm more than happy for him to go to the cinema with a female friend to watch. If they tried to hide it I'd mind

FilthyforFirth · 05/08/2020 22:19

But @Oldbutstillgotitdo you understand that your experience isn't universal? Just because you know no one, doesnt mean that these people dont exist. As I and at least two other posters have stated, I genuinely dont know anyone who would have a problem with this.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:20

Where have I said I rely on him? He’s like my brother! My mother even calls him her son and he is at all our family get togethers. He’s also very close with my blood brothers. He came here when I was grieving because he was grieving too. He loved my husband.

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 22:20

partnership and put each others feelings and needs first

Not when those needs and feelings are jealousy and control. If I had a male partner who reacted this way about me hanging out with a male friend I’d dump the partner! I have a male friend I’ve known since I was 10, every so often he comes to stay at mine for the weekend - alone - to catch up. His fiancée knows and I’ve said she’s welcome too but I don’t really know her (we live in different cities and haven’t really had any chances to meet) so she waves him on his merry way. I’ve shared a bed with him after nights out in the past and honestly if he ever came onto me I think I’d throw up.

My friend’s boyfriend has a female HOUSEMATE! Sound the alarm and call Mike Pence, he must be shagging her.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 22:20

I will rather be a "cool wife" than paranoid embarrassments of a woman...

SirVixofVixHall · 05/08/2020 22:21

Oh and I am not a “cool wife” whatever that is !
I just don’t understand why it isn’t alright to have friends of both sexes ?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 22:21

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this .

Neither can I actually.

There's no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps he talks about you a lot. Perhaps he has given his wife reason to think there is something more going on. Coming to your house to stay after the argument is ridiculous really, and will only fuel her fire.
Her reaction towards you was disgusting, and there is no excuse for what she said to you. She shouldn't be taking it out on you.

TheAquaticDuchess · 05/08/2020 22:21

It wouldn’t bother me at all because I trust my husband and I know he would never be unfaithful. He has female friends who he sees on his own sometimes and it has literally never caused me anxiety because I know he is completely faithful and trustworthy.

Women who don’t like their husbands having female friends don’t trust their husbands to be faithful to them. Often there is good reason for that (their husbands don’t prioritise them or have given them other reason for doubt). And sometimes women just don’t trust their husbands because of their own insecurities or because they think men are inherently untrustworthy.

It’s possible your friend is behaving in a way that makes his wife not trust him. Going to the cinema with a friend is innocuous, but maybe his attitude about it is causing red flags. Or maybe she’s just one of those women who doesn’t trust men full stop.

Either way you have done nothing wrong, and I’m sorry you’ve been through this horrible experience.

Emeraldshamrock · 05/08/2020 22:21

This friendship has been going since they were DC.
It is not some random lady ffs.

Hoggleludo · 05/08/2020 22:21

I’d be fine! My gosh. I’ve got friends from since I was born. My husband wouldn’t care at all! He’s be a bit bummed because he loves the cinema. But not because it was a guy

I think it’s disgusting what she said about you! Says more about her than it does you

I jolly well hope your friend stuck up for you in those circumstances

I really feel for you and hey. If you ever want a female friend to come join you! I’m there!

AnneOfQueenSables · 05/08/2020 22:21

This isn't just about the cinema. It's about the fact that when his DW challenged him, he ran straight to stay with the OP. Perhaps there would have been different responses if the OP had said, would you be ok with your DH going to stay with his female friend when you'd just put him out for thinking he was having an affair with her.

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