Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 05/08/2020 21:55

This is a difficult one - if my husband had a bereaved friend, male or female, I would want him to spend time with them as I'd imagine it's a lonely time and support would be a big help.

But sometimes if two people spend a lot of time together feelings can develop, especially if they are sharing a lot. It's not a matter of trust. You can't trust someone not to develop feelings for someone else as it's not really something anyone can control, except by not being close. You can trust them not to act on it, but would anyone be happy with knowing their partner had feelings for someone else?

You can't stop your partner interacting with other people (although some seem to try ), but I guess if they are spending a lot of time 1:1 with someone they could become attracted to then there's always a risk. So I would judge each situation differently - a childhood friend I think I would be much more comfortable with than a recent work colleague for example.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 21:56

I wonder if it's the amount of time you have both started to spend together . At the beginning of your post stated that he worked across the road and had regularly started to come over to yours after work.

This in itself would be an issue as surely a partner should be coming home to spend time with their own partner rather than going over every? Night after they have finished a shift at work .

Only few months back ( just before lockdown ) a female poster posted about her husband going to the cinema with a colleague/friend .... lots of posters responded saying this was akin to going on a date !

I go to the cinema with my female friends or my husband , but my husband only goes to the cinema with me as he sees it as a 'date night ' thing .

I think coupled with him coming straight over to yours after work and then going to the cinema and then mentioning it after ... there has been a shift in the relationship in your friends eyes and your friends partner has every right to not find this acceptable .

PasstheBucket89 · 05/08/2020 21:56

Firstly, so sorry for your loss 💐, Secondly a few thoughts. Does her husband have form for this, secret plans with female friends?? Do your plans ever involve her?? or is she always left alone and excluded,? Are there children she is left looking after, whilst her husband is socialising? Does she ever get to socialise?.

MrsMayo · 05/08/2020 21:56

That's because if he was such a good friend I would want to be friends with her too.

caringcarer · 05/08/2020 21:56

When I had been going out with DH for about 6 months he went home for Xmas. I had Xmas at my house with my 3 kids. When he came back he mentioned going to the cinema and a meal with an old school friend who is single snd female but I also knew she used to be his gf at one point. He also went shopping in sales with her one day too and they went for pizza. I thought about it for a couple of days then told him if he wanted to be in relationship with me I did not feel comfortable with him taking ex/friend out to meals and cinema. I did not mind clothes shopping or a coffee out during day time. He decided in future he would go for coffee and a chat or go out in a larger group of old friends. He said he understood I had trust issues as my exh cheated on me with a friend. We never discussed it again.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 21:57

@Timekeeper2

It's not about thinking they'll have sex, it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple. Especially if one of them is a married man. It's just not the done thing. The 3 of them together, sure. It's not about insecurity, it's just about etiquette.

It's a cinema, what do you do in the cinema that you can only go with a husband?

I go out to nice restaurants alone with my name friend. Is that ok?

FrodosRing · 05/08/2020 21:57

I disagree. I have been to the cinema with male friends many times. I have never shagged or wanted to shag any of them.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/08/2020 21:58

@Timekeeper2

it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple.

Maybe in your world, but we're not all the same. FWIW i would tend to agree with you and i dont do things like that with my male friends, but my brother has got female friends who have partners and children etc and he does all this type of thing with them and their partners are fine with it. The ones who tend to have an issue are normally ones who have not been with the girl long and they freak out about her being friends with my brother then start being controlling in other ways..they end up not lasting very long. The ones in the secure, long time relationships have never raised issue.

longtompot · 05/08/2020 21:58

My dh used to go to the cinema with our mutual friend. It was to see horror films which I hate. I had no issue with it, but he stopped going as he was finding some of the films a bit too much, even for him.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 21:58

My friend had always spent time with us. It hasn’t increased since my husband died. I fact it’s actually less because I’m much more busy now with work and 3 kids.

OP posts:

TotorosFurryBehind · 05/08/2020 22:00

I wouldn't have a problem as I trust my husband implicitly. He's just not the type to cheat. But he does normally check with me before booking tickets to a film with his (male) friends whether I want to go too, so I would find it strange if he didn't do that

Lellochip · 05/08/2020 22:00

it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple.

Bullshit. What the fuck are some of you getting up to in the cinema, do you have so little self control that you can't be trusted in a dark room when there's a penis sat in the next seat?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:01

For those who think going to the cinema, I go ALONE. Pooh yeah, I'm that dirty 😏😏😏

MumsyMumIAmNot · 05/08/2020 22:01

I dont see anything wrong with it. He should dump her shes crazy.

Jussayingisall · 05/08/2020 22:01

It seems totally fine op. You have to remember this website is very heavily the first wives club, as such they tar every partner to how they have been treated.

Staplemaple · 05/08/2020 22:01

I personally think your friendship is inappropriate and I would dump my partner if he had a female friend like you.

Insecure much? Everyone has their boundaries and that's fair enough, but what if you had a male childhood friend, completely platonic as this is, and he broke up with you as he was irrationally jealous? OP sorry for your loss . I wouldn't have an issue with it, if you've been friends since childhood, she must have known about you when they met, unless she was expecting him to drop all of this friends when they married. Even when your circumstances changed, it's pretty cruel to think that a friend helping support another, especially in circumstances such as this is anything more. And no, that's not naieve. You can't control how she feels about it, but it's her issue, and it's up to him how he deals with it. I have been to the cinema before with a close male friend, and shockingly we didn't have a fondle in the back row.

ZooKeeper19 · 05/08/2020 22:01

Absolutely OK to go. The best thing in anyone's life is a good friend. It's priceless thing to have. If my DH had a friend like that, regardless of gender, I'd let him enjoy the cinema.

Either you trust your spouse, or you don't. It would not even cross my mind to think anything would happen. Maybe I'm naive.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 22:01

It hasn't increased since your husband died but you said yourself it has increased in the last year since he started working across the road .

OVienna · 05/08/2020 22:02

@Jizz "I still consider myself a wife."

❤❤😔 I am so sorry for your loss OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:02

@TotorosFurryBehind

I suspect though that the man knows Marvel is not his wife's thing. Sh wouldn't care who I went to the cinema with,he'd be perceived if I went to a Marvel film without him, he'd be grateful if o took anyone else to a romantic comedy

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:02

Regarding plans with her, she never came out with us. She was always invited, and my friend was often embarrassed being the only one at a meal full of couples on his own. She never wanted to do anything him. She didn’t like the beach, she didn’t like walks, she didn’t like restaurants. Invites were always declined and he would miss a lot of events to stay home with her but he still needed to have a social life too.

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 05/08/2020 22:04

To be honest, I wouldn’t like it.

Watdafark · 05/08/2020 22:05

@JBizz Agreed!

Jihhery · 05/08/2020 22:05

I don't understand why you've started this thread. You're arguing with anyone who doesn't agree with you. You don't need or want a different perspective.

I think you don't have the full story here. You're not in the marriage. You know too much but not enough to really understand why she reacted the way she did. If you want people to agree with you about how ridiculous the wife was, I find that a bit sad. She's lost her husband too, now. Why not leave her alone. You at least have a best friend.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:05

It hasn’t increased since he got the job, it’s just that now he will pop round after work instead of planning a day where we’re both free. Unless we’re doing something with the kids.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 39 40

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is not accepting new messages.

Swipe left for the next trending thread