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Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 21:45

She phoned me about and hour a later after she had finished packing his bags. I'd worry she was having some sort of breakdown frankly

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 05/08/2020 21:46

I don’t understand the having to tell her beforehand?

It's not for you to understand Hmm

Of course he should tell her. I think you're being very unkind to her and disrespectful. It's very sad that your husband died but this doesn't show you in the best light.

strawberrypip · 05/08/2020 21:47

I wouldn't care at all about this, not if it was friend that my partner had for a while. if it was a male friend who had recently lost their partner I would be glad that my partner was doing things with them to help take their mind off the horrible time they were going through, especially if I didnt even enjoy the activity they were doing. I also cant imagine being so cruel as to ring someone who was only 3 months on from loosing their other half and giving then a dressing down over such a petty thing.

sorry for the loss of your husband OP, I hope you have healed somewhat and I'm sorry for some of the comments you have received on here about how you have done something shady or have ulterior motives - I know what that feels like as my best friend is male. we get those kind of comments allll the time

PurpleDaisies · 05/08/2020 21:48

It's not for you to understand

Why not?

Sirzy · 05/08/2020 21:48

To me only mentioning it after would be a “oh someone may have seen us and said something to her so I better own up” type situation. Mentioning it before keeps things much more open

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 05/08/2020 21:48

This is where context is so important. With no context i would tend to say that its not on, however in the context of this situation and everything described in the OP, i would say she has done nothing wrong. The wifes comments were nasty and out of order. She could have said 'Listen, i respect your friendship but please dont put yourself in situations that other people may misinterpret' and not the nasty bile she came out with.
OP, i am sorry for your loss and hope this situation hasnt caused you too much stress Flowers

strawberrypip · 05/08/2020 21:48

sorry I missed out after saying if it was a male friend, why is a female friend any different*

Notnownotneverever · 05/08/2020 21:49

I only alarm bell for me would be that you said ‘when his wife found out’. It should have been organised with her knowledge and for want if a better word ‘permission’. They are a partnership and your friend should have asked his wife if it was ok before booking it. I also think you should be communicating with her better then you might not be viewed as such a threat to her.
I don’t think going to the cinema is wrong but you both went about it in the wrong way.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 21:49

So was he supposed to phone her at work to tell her he was going to the cinema? That’s madness. I would have been annoyed if my husband had done that.

OP posts:
GinDrinker00 · 05/08/2020 21:50

Yeah I’d have a issue with that. Sorry.

Timekeeper2 · 05/08/2020 21:50

It's not about thinking they'll have sex, it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple. Especially if one of them is a married man. It's just not the done thing. The 3 of them together, sure. It's not about insecurity, it's just about etiquette.

Womencanlift · 05/08/2020 21:50

To all those posters that are saying it is wrong what are long time friends allowed to do then if they are not allowed to go to the cinema? The cinema is the least romantic thing ever - you are sitting in silence for two hours!!

If you say the partner’s must be there too I would ask would you say the same if it was two male friends/two female friends as when those threads come up on here most people would say the partner is controlling by insisting on being involved

dodgeballchamp · 05/08/2020 21:51

She was at work, OP and her friend were free during the day. Of course he doesn’t have to report his plans to her before going out, Jesus Christ some of you sound like you’re running a gulag not a marital home!

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 21:51

@JizzPigeon22

So was he supposed to phone her at work to tell her he was going to the cinema? That’s madness. I would have been annoyed if my husband had done that.
It is madness
strawberrypip · 05/08/2020 21:51

very confused as to why anyone would have to ask permission of their partner to hang out with a friend..

JBizz · 05/08/2020 21:51

@Timekeeper2

It's not about thinking they'll have sex, it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple. Especially if one of them is a married man. It's just not the done thing. The 3 of them together, sure. It's not about insecurity, it's just about etiquette.
Oh is it, I wasn't aware there is a what men and women are allowed to do together guide.

Someone should write a book for all us crazy women who aren't fazed by our partners having female friends

Sirzy · 05/08/2020 21:51

@JizzPigeon22

So was he supposed to phone her at work to tell her he was going to the cinema? That’s madness. I would have been annoyed if my husband had done that.
Do they not have the modern invention of mobile phones? How long would it have taken to send a “as you don’t want to see that film in going to go this morning with Jizz, all timed to be back in time to get the kids though” type message?
strawberrypip · 05/08/2020 21:52

@Timekeeper2 what decade are you living in Hmm

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 21:52

She works in a job where she won’t see her phone till she finishes her shift. So what’s the point in sending a message?

OP posts:
OneLeafHill · 05/08/2020 21:53

I think for me it would depend about the length of the friendship. Long enough that something would have happened by now if it was going to (I.e friends from university etc.) then I’d probably be fine about it and DP has some friends like that.

If it was someone DP met recently through work or something I’d be a bit more iffy about it, if it was in a date setting like a cinema or a cosy dinner. I was in this situation with DP and a single work colleague and I really didn’t like it, I don’t care if that makes me look crazy, something about it just made me uncomfortable. He stopped hanging out with her once he knew how I felt. I didn’t understand why of all people she’d want to hang out and do date type things with a man in a committed relationship who she’d recently met at work.

I would think they probably have some issues in their relationship or she’s very insecure more generally. I do feel for her as if you get worried about this sort of thing it eats you up!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 21:54

@Sirzy

To me only mentioning it after would be a “oh someone may have seen us and said something to her so I better own up” type situation. Mentioning it before keeps things much more open
Do you run your entire day past your partner every morning and every possible change of plan? Would any act of spontaneity be seen as you lying?
JBizz · 05/08/2020 21:54

@Sirzy

If a woman came on her saying her husband was expecting her to tell him everything she does in the day many would, rightfully say he was controlling.

Why should anyone have to tell their wife or husband what they're doing when it's so benign.

MrsMayo · 05/08/2020 21:55

JizzPigeon22

I feel like I'm contradicting myself.

He could have texted her. There is definitely more to her insecurity than the Avengers film. Not saying you are in the wrong but you could think about her feelings too. Unless she is an absolute nut job then I would have tried to ask why she was so upset.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/08/2020 21:55

@Timekeeper2

It's not about thinking they'll have sex, it's just that it is not something a man and a woman do if they're not a couple. Especially if one of them is a married man. It's just not the done thing. The 3 of them together, sure. It's not about insecurity, it's just about etiquette.
I disagree. It's perfectly possible to have friends of the opposite sex and to spend time with those friends. It's perfectly possible to even enjoy their company.

DH has female friends from University - I don't attend their reunions and their get togethers because a) I don't want to and b) I trust him. This is not an etiquette issue, it's a trust one.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 21:55

@JizzPigeon22 just ignore it. It wasn't your fault. As you can see some people are just insecured and instead of working on themselves, they expect everyone to tiptoe to not upset them and try to enforce it by emotional blackmail and apparently morals🤷🏻

Hope you are doing ok.

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