Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

[JBizz]

@Winebottle

I don't really get jealous so wouldn't mind but I do think it is objectively inappropriate. It's like they say about conflicts of interests, it's not enough for nothing dodgey to happen, you also need to avoid situations that would lead people to think that. I would have no problem with DH saying he would prefer me not to.

I also think spending intimate time with the opposite sex runs the risk of feelings developing even if that wasn't the inital intention. It's hardly unusual for people who are "just friends" to end up shagging.

Intimate time? What on earth do you get up to at the cinema

[MrsMayo]

He is mans man...He would rather watch the film another way.What than in the company of a lowly woman?

Yes, chilled out on the sofa. He doesn't like cinemas.

I hope you are okay OP and I understand your friend is a very close friend so no I dont think you did anything wrong.

My original post was because I just couldn't see my DH going to the cinema unless he really had to.

If he had a round of golf with a female friend I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

[Russellbrandshair]

I would have no issue with this at all as long as the following caveats apply:

1. I was invited along with them to other things. Eg they didn’t ONLY just meet alone together all the time and I felt invited and included. Basically I’d want to feel at least welcomed to come if I wanted and not to feel that neither of them wanted me there.
   
2. There was openness and honesty and transparency about where they were going and why. In other words, no secrecy, lying or weird secret texting or making secret plans going on etc
   

So , basically If they cannot do the above I’d assume something odd was going on and it would make me uncomfortable.

[londonscalling]

Was she always ok with your friendship when your husband was alive, but now has an issue since your husband sadly passed away and she sees you as single?

[123th]

Depends on the friend. Some I'd have no issue with at all. Some I'd be a bit unhappy with. And I would expect him to tell me beforehand because it would come up whilst chatting the night before surely? If it didn't I'd think he was hiding something

[AliceinBunnyland]

I wouldn't like it OP and my husband wouldn't like it if I went to the cinema with a male friend.

It's not about you being a widow but I think I would feel less comfortable with it as you do not have a partner.

It is sad because you lost your husband and you probably need your friends bit it's not wrong of her to be uncomfortable.

[CrunchyCarrot]

I've no problem with it - my DP often goes to gaming conventions with a female friend (usually for weekends). I trust him implicitly.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

@JizzPigeon22

He told her the same day when she got home from work and asked what he had been up to. She phoned me about and hour a later after she had finished packing his bags.

That does make it all sound odd. Do you know if they had previously had disagreements about the amount of time you spend together, or the amount of support you get from him, possibly at her expense? Had you previously thought that you got on with his wife okay? Has he got a history of affairs?

It seems strange (and a little unhinged) to throw him out over a film, without there being a backstory of almost epic length. But sometimes people are weird.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

I wouldn't care. If I trust him I trust him. If I don't then why am I with him? I used to go to the cinema most weeks with a male friend at uni, just us usually, and we were never remotely romantic. We just enjoyed the same films and got on well. I don't find cinemas at all romantic or sexy anyway.

[U2HasTheEdge]

If my husband met a new female friend and wanted to go to the cinema with her I would be concerned.

A friend he has known since he was three years old? I wouldn't care. After all, if anything was going to happen it would have by now.

[JizzPigeon22]

He would have said something to her if it was ore planned, but it was a spur of the moment thing.

She had never shown any weirdness to me before, she had been weird about him going out sometimes in general. But nothing like this.

[CouldBeOuting]

@Standrewsschool

“Why does he need permission to spend the with a mate?“

I don’t it’s getting permission, as such, but it’s the hiding the fact that the friend and op were planning to meet, and go to the cinema. Ie, the secrecy.

Forgot to say earlier, sorry for you loss op.

But there wasn’t any secrecy. He told his wife about the cinema as soon as he saw her!

[FrodosRing]

I personally wouldn't have an issue. My bf has a female friend who he goes on holiday with sometimes. I am invited but normally don't go. I trust my bf completely.
His wife does has an issue, and she is not necessarily BU, but that is your friends problem to deal with. She should not be phoning you, she should be speaking to her husband about why she isn't happy with it.

[MayLeaveADentInYourSofa]

My guess is her reaction isn't about the cinema scenario alone. It is about all the other things of your relationship with her husband that have bothered her that you don't know about.

[Timekeeper2]

No, I wouldn't, not unless the guy's wife suggested it and even then I would be uneasy. To me it's inappropriate and disrespectful. And for those saying it's ok, I bet if a woman came on here upset that her DH had gone to the movies with a single female friend of his and hadn't told her beforehand, they'd all be telling her to LTB. So the reaction in here stuns me. I truly feel for his wife, being made to feel like she was the one in the wrong for objecting to it.

[MadeleineMaxwell]

With my DH and his friends, not a problem. I can't speak for anyone else's but I know with some of my friends' partners I'd be giving them some serious side-eye. Depends on the bloke, depends on the relationship.

[howfarwevecome]

I think the whole thing is sad and she grossly over reacted.

What are the terms of them being back together? Are you sill allowed to see you friend?

[RedLlama]

@yomommasmomma

I think deep down any wife would feel wobbly about this. It's just quite intimate going to the cinema together. Maybe next time the 3 of you should go?

Does this mean I’m having a lesbian affair when I go with girl mate?

[Insideout99]

No I wouldn’t like it. I’m insecure. I definitely wouldn’t rage about it however, I can’t believe she called you

[dodgeballchamp]

And for those saying it's ok, I bet if a woman came on here upset that her DH had gone to the movies with a single female friend of his and hadn't told her beforehand, they'd all be telling her to LTB

Not me, I’d tell her to get a bloody grip and stop being ridiculous

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

DHs best mate is a woman. She's awesome. They are definitely more like brother and sister than potential romantic partners. They do lots of stuff together.

100% honesty... I do get a bit jealous sometimes. But I don't like some of the stuff they do. Other times it's her husband, the kids etc. We are planning a holiday together, where I'll look after her kids while they are doing a sport they don't like together... But she'll also look after our kids while we go for dinner.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

Do you people seriously report to your partners about all people you meet beforehand? Bloody hell.

What's inappropriate and disrespectful is thinking that friends since age 3 will suddenly have a shag because one.of them is now widowed.

[JizzPigeon22]

We’ve always gotten along ok but not really friends. She’s never come on a night out with my friends for example.
He’s never cheated on anyone. They’re just quite different people who rubbed along nicely for a few years and now they’re separated. I don’t have anything bad to say about her (apart from that phone call) they’re just very different people.

[BertiesLanding]

Given everything you've said, OP, I wouldn't have been concerned at all. However, I know that I tend not to be particularly prone to jealousy, and I also believe that, in the words of Rilke, one of my tasks as a couple is to stand guard over the solitude of my partner - which, in this case, is the right to a life apart from me.

[JBizz]

@Timekeeper2

No, I wouldn't, not unless the guy's wife suggested it and even then I would be uneasy. To me it's inappropriate and disrespectful. And for those saying it's ok, I bet if a woman came on here upset that her DH had gone to the movies with a single female friend of his and hadn't told her beforehand, they'd all be telling her to LTB. So the reaction in here stuns me. I truly feel for his wife, being made to feel like she was the one in the wrong for objecting to it.

Then you bet wrong

No one owns another person. Anyone so insecure to have an issue with their husband or partner going to the cinema (not a sex festival) with a female friend he has known since he was 3, is pathetic.

I could never imagine being so insecure in a relationship to have an issue