Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

[BogRollBOGOF]

I'd be fine with DH going to see something I had little interest in. It's plausible that he and my best friend would watch something like Star Trek, that her husband and I wouldn't consider it worth a babysitter for to go as a couple.

Her husband and I occasionally do things together when it works that way. Last year we went to a gig as he got a pair of tickets with too little notice to arrange babysitting and it was more my thing than DH's.

They are old friendships and old relationships. We all know each others' foibles too well to go around being seduced by each other. Male friend and I are more like a sibling relationship after 20 years and have done all sorts together including sharing tents and skinny dipping many years back. Less of that than there used be but more due to children than being totally old and boring.

Going to watch a Marvel film sounds pretty unromantic to me!

[SleepingStandingUp]

No I wouldn’t be happy about it... Not just my DH and a single, bereaved woman, sorry. Yup all those widows desperate to jump on the first penis that comes along... 🙄

It's just quite intimate going to the cinema together ewwww what do you do in there????

I personally think your friendship is inappropriate and I would dump my partner if he had a female friend like you. I feel kinda sorry for you tbh

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

It isn't about "having" to tell her beforehand, it's just that keeping things from her, which she may accidentally find out later, is storing up trouble.

If my husband told me he was going to the cinema with a woman, that's fine. He goes swimming with a bunch of women sometimes. Also fine, I always know about it and nothing is secret. If I found a ticket stub and only then found out about it, that would be much less fine. Even if it wasn't planned in advance, it's the sort of thing you'd mention the same day, probably during the usual chat about how your respective days had been.

How long afterwards did she find out, and how did she find out? I repeat, I don't for one second believe that you are shagging her husband (or want to) but I think he may not have been paying attention to what was a fair way to treat his wife. And there may be something else in her life too- maybe she feels that you were getting emotional support that she was missing out on from him. She has every right to feel that her needs should be important too.

Of course, she may well be a total Harpie, but she may also just be very hurt by unintentionally neglectful behaviour by her spouse.

[JBizz]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Maybe try marrying someone you can trust 100% as that's kind of the point

I have never been given a reason not to. Anyone who trusts anyone 100% is niave.

Nah just emotionally secure in themselves and their partners.

If you can't trust anyone that's a very sad existence

[MarinaMarinara]

I really really cannot understand what her problem is. You’ve know each other forever. That is like going somewhere with a sibling. I really don’t see any issue.

[JizzPigeon22]

He told her the same day when she got home from work and asked what he had been up to. She phoned me about and hour a later after she had finished packing his bags.

[Standrewsschool]

So you went to the cinema with friend, and wife found out afterwards? If I was the wife, I would be cross. I think even if you were meeting friend to go shopping etc, then it would still be polite to tell the wife your plans.

There’s been too many threads on mn where people have discovered their dp has sneaked off with someone for meals etc. Or where the platonic friendship has developed into an EA, and maybe eventually more.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I do however think that he should have told his wife beforehand. Ithink it was disrespectful of him not too.
Your friend should have run it past her

Why does he need permission to spend the with a mate? What if it had been lunch or a coffee or Derek?

[CouldBeOuting]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I wouldn't like it. No one can ever be trusted 100% and this would make me feel uncomfortable.
I know my dp wouldn't like it if it was the other way around either.

That’s really rather sad.....

[Winebottle]

I don't really get jealous so wouldn't mind but I do think it is objectively inappropriate. It's like they say about conflicts of interests, it's not enough for nothing dodgey to happen, you also need to avoid situations that would lead people to think that. I would have no problem with DH saying he would prefer me not to.

I also think spending intimate time with the opposite sex runs the risk of feelings developing even if that wasn't the inital intention. It's hardly unusual for people who are "just friends" to end up shagging.

[JizzPigeon22]

If my husband had messaged me asking me if he could do something with a friend I’d wonder why he was doing that. I find that weird. If he did stuff while I was at work, I’d find out when I got home and we caught up about our day and vice versa.

[dodgeballchamp]

People who think men and women can’t be platonic friends really weird me out. They’re not the kind of people I’d want to be friends with, let alone in a relationship with. I have plenty of close male friends and every guy I’ve dated has also had female friends. It wouldn’t occur to me that either party should stop seeing friends of the opposite sex because we became a couple. How do you think people in same sex relationships manage? Only permitted friends of the opposite sex? His wife is being absolutely ridiculous. Not every single woman is actively looking for a relationship and I’m pretty sure the recently widowed definitely aren’t!

[GinWithASplashOfTonic]

On the whole I'd have no issue, especially when you're his friend not her friend. I think it depends on the movie. If it was movie we had planned to see on a date night then maybe an issue. But if it was a movie I didn't want to see defo no issue.

[Catsrus]

My exH had lots of female friends, some of them were friends for YEARS before he met me. We were married for 25yrs, most of them happy. When he "found his soulmate" guess what - it wasn't any of the lovely female friends he'd had for years, it was a new woman he'd just met.

Being jealous of old friends is bonkers and damaging to relationships.

[InvisibleWomenMustBeRead]

I trust my husband but I wouldn't like this at all. If he told me beforehand then I might be less bothered but finding out after the fact would seriously upset me and likely I'd go apoplectic also as it's a matter of respect.

[imissthesouth]

Me too OP, it's controlling if you have to ask your partner for approval before you can see someone

[CouldBeOuting]

It's just quite intimate going to the cinema together

I often go to the cinema with my teenaged son..... eeeewww

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I also think spending intimate time with the opposite sex runs the risk of feelings developing even if that wasn't the inital intention. It's hardly unusual for people who are "just friends" to end up shagging.

They knew each other since babies. If they wanted to shag it would have happen already🙄

[dodgeballchamp]

Would you feel the same if he’d gone with a male friend Invisible? I suspect not. Your attitude baffles me. He went to the cinema, in the daytime, with a woman he’s known since he was a toddler - which part of that is in any way wrong or inappropriate?

[HelloDulling]

@JizzPigeon22

I don’t understand the having to tell her beforehand? I wouldn’t tell my partner if I was meeting a friend for lunch, or going shopping etc. Don’t really see why the cinema is any different. It wasn’t pre planned anyway.

Wouldn’t you? You’d just leave the house, without saying goodbye? And you wouldn’t mention the evening before, “Oh, I’m seeing Giles tomorrow. We’re meeting in town for noodles after I’ve been for a hair cut.”

[badacorn]

I would be ok with this. But in your shoes I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t on good terms with the wife.

[JizzPigeon22]

Well obviously I’d say something if my husband was home at the time ffs

[Standrewsschool]

“Why does he need permission to spend the with a mate?“

I don’t it’s getting permission, as such, but it’s the hiding the fact that the friend and op were planning to meet, and go to the cinema. Ie, the secrecy.

Forgot to say earlier, sorry for you loss op.

[Womencanlift]

I think it’s sad (and actually pretty pathetic) that some posters think that two people who have been friends since they were toddlers, cannot do a perfectly normal thing like go to the cinema just because they happen to be opposite sexes 🙄

[merrytombombadil]

My husband has many female friends from before I knew him, and I have many male friends who pre-date him. In those circumstances it's weird to suddenly say you can't hang out anymore, and I'd have no problem with him going to the cinema with any of his old friends. I just can't imagine him, after many years, suddenly deciding to jump into bed with them. (I feel like if someone wants an affair it's more likely to happen on a drunken night out). If it was a new woman who I didn't know I might not be happy.