Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

I don't know why i feel uncomfortable...i think if i was in a group i would feel fine ....if alone i might feel it was too intense or worry what their dp thought.

@famousforwrongreason thing is my cheated on me with his female friend from hobby, who pretended to be my friend, but life would be being lonely of I assumed every man I dated was going to cheat on me, every male friend was trying to have sex with me and every female friend was trying to shag my partner. Presumably you have no friends because you assume everyone is out to hurt you. I'm really sorry that's where your experience has led you

@malificent7

I don't know why i feel uncomfortable...i think if i was in a group i would feel fine ....if alone i might feel it was too intense or worry what their dp thought.

What's intense about Endgame?? I mean I couldn't go and see Fifty Shades of something really erotic because frankly I find it cringey enough with DH but it just wouldn't occur to me to think about date like thoughts

I think i would need conformation that their dp was ok with it. If so, then fine. If not, then i wouldn't mind...it wouldn't occur to me to think their dp was being unreasonable.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@famousforwrongreason thing is my cheated on me with his female friend from hobby, who pretended to be my friend, but life would be being lonely of I assumed every man I dated was going to cheat on me, every male friend was trying to have sex with me and every female friend was trying to shag my partner. Presumably you have no friends because you assume everyone is out to hurt you. I'm really sorry that's where your experience has led you[/quote]
Lol. A bit of a leap...
I posted upthread about me and my friends being preyed upon by the same circuit of married men and exchanging details (and warnings). This is not all my friends but predominantly, the single women of a certain age in my town have attracted the same men, whether married or otherwise.
I have no problem with my women friends, its usually the guy who is particularly close to his women friends who is the cheat with poor boundaries.

Well glad to see you don't distrust everyone, just read a bit everyone is trying to shag the people I love or me. Maybe you live in a hotbed of bedhops

@Bluemooninmyeyes1

No I wouldn’t be happy about it. If it was a group of males and females then fair enough but not just my DH and a single, bereaved woman, sorry.

...my DH and his female friend who he has known since the age of 3 and has just been through a load of crap. (fixed it for you).

I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all.

I am sorry OP, but honestly, I would feel uncomfortable because you are a young widow who has lost the man in her life and now has a gaping hole that needs to be filled. And you live right across the street. And you are probably sending off massive signals whether you are aware of them or not that you miss those normal experiences of companionship you used to share with your husband. And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that? A movie is a date activity, no matter when it takes place. Was his wife watching their kids while he was seeing the movie, and if he didn't tell her, and If you knew this was happening, then you are surely taking the piss to pretend that it was anything else.

@TheAquaticDuchess

Hahaha my 'view on bisexuals'?!!! Bisexual what? Presumably we're talking about people? obviously I am part of the god hates fags brigade along with being a Scarlet Woman who invites unwanted attention from men because of my poor boundaries. Considering I've had relationships with both men and women I'd say my view of 'bisexuals' is pretty much the same as my view of 'normal people' ffs hmm

I’m bisexual and don’t require to be called ‘a bisexual person’ rather than ‘a bisexual’, but I appreciate that person-centred language is very important to some people so I will happily be respectful of your preferences. Yes, I am talking about bisexual people. While we’re at it I find it very discouraging for you to use the phrase ‘normal people’ to describe heterosexual people, even if ironically. Statistically common does not mean the same as ‘normal’.

If your view on bisexual people is the same as on straight people then you must believe that it’s wrong for bisexual people to go to the cinema or for dinner etc with a friend of any gender. I’m just really intrigued by that viewpoint because it seems like such a restrictive way to live your life. I suppose a person could get all the companionship they needed from only seeing friends in groups, but I would personally miss out hugely on the closeness of having friends that I see one-to-one, especially if the reason I couldn’t see them was because my husband didn’t trust me not to have sex with them.

I haven’t made any comments on your boundaries, I have no idea why you’re directing ire towards me about that.

What's your view on being patronising to people who have different life experience from you ?

Do you feel patronised by being asked a question? Why?

Because the intention of your question was to patronise and it did. I didn't say it was wrong for anyone to go to the cinema with someone of the opposite sex. However, I believe it unfair to have all your fun needs and emotional intimacy needs met by someone who is not in your relationship. It creates a divide / distance and it's quite clear what is fair and what is inappropriate in a relationship and where the boundaries should lie with regard to others, regardless of their sexuality. Again, as I've posted before, it's about individual relationships and what works for them. Compromise is key, sharing information and sharing concerns and working out a way to ensure that everyone is having their needs met appropriately so that one person isn't left wondering or feeling insecure. Some people are naturally more jealous and this is where discussion, honesty and compromise come into their own. In this post the op said they often go on spontaneous trips together and that the wife never liked doing stuff with her husband. For what it's worth, I think the wife in this scenario was wrong and out of order with the OP. they're no longer together and it's clear that they were a mismatch, but who's to say that the wife was always a complete bore? Why would he have married her if they had nothing in common? What if she did want to do those things originally but felt pushed out by the relationship between the op and the husband and lost her confidence knowing that op and the guy had always had more fun together? And wrt to bisexuals / normal people, it is obvious I was taking the piss out of your dehumanising language and don't consider bisexuality to be 'abnormal'. There's a huge spectrum of sexuality and we all fit somewhere along the line, it's fluid. I feel that your question wording is reductive. Standard Adult monogamous relationships are not just the sum of sexual preferences , there are relationship rules which differ from couple to couple (or throuple) or any combination. Predominantly there needs to be honesty, compromise and an agreement to terms which are either implicit within the template of monogamous relationships or explicit where a relationship / partner doesn't follow the course of monogamous relationships or where there are other exceptions. When people depart from the norms or agreed terms, this is when partners express shock or distress, because they believed that their relationship was being conducted in a particular way and have been upset to learn that they weren't furnished with the full information. Predominantly my most negative romantic experiences have been with men hence my using heterosexual relationships as my benchmark when discussing this type of scenario.

Christ almighty, I've read some bad takes on this thread but Durgasarrow is something else. A bereaved, pregnant wife is sending off massive fuck me signals apparently (preferably in the cinema seat obvious - mind the bacon puff things though).

I'm assuming too that Durgasarrow hasn't read any of the OP's updates as the same questions are repeated ad nauseam...

@Durgasarrow

I am sorry OP, but honestly, I would feel uncomfortable because you are a young widow who has lost the man in her life and now has a gaping hole that needs to be filled. And you live right across the street. And you are probably sending off massive signals whether you are aware of them or not that you miss those normal experiences of companionship you used to share with your husband. And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that? A movie is a date activity, no matter when it takes place. Was his wife watching their kids while he was seeing the movie, and if he didn't tell her, and If you knew this was happening, then you are surely taking the piss to pretend that it was anything else.

So how long is it until op, harlot, desperate for any men who'll fill her needs, is safe around your irresistible and poor boundaried partner?? A year, 2? Not until she's got a man of her own? Presumably he should stay away totally because she might be all needy about a light bulb being fired and then he'd feel all important and then before you know our they'd be fucking on the occasion table

Was his wife watching their kids while he was seeing the movie rtft
and if he didn't tell her rtft

And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that?

I can only think from this that your life has been blighted by the only males you know being absolute fucking wankers.

I am sorry OP, but honestly, I would feel uncomfortable because you are a young widow who has lost the man in her life and now has a gaping hole that needs to be filled. And you live right across the street. And you are probably sending off massive signals whether you are aware of them or not that you miss those normal experiences of companionship you used to share with your husband. And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that? A movie is a date activity, no matter when it takes place. Was his wife watching their kids while he was seeing the movie, and if he didn't tell her, and If you knew this was happening, then you are surely taking the piss to pretend that it was anything else.

This is some of the worst sexism I’ve ever seen on mumsnet and that’s already an embarrassingly low bar.

@Durgasarrow

I am sorry OP, but honestly, I would feel uncomfortable because you are a young widow who has lost the man in her life and now has a gaping hole that needs to be filled. And you live right across the street. And you are probably sending off massive signals whether you are aware of them or not that you miss those normal experiences of companionship you used to share with your husband. And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that? A movie is a date activity, no matter when it takes place. Was his wife watching their kids while he was seeing the movie, and if he didn't tell her, and If you knew this was happening, then you are surely taking the piss to pretend that it was anything else.

You’re view is absolutely disgusting. The arrogance of you assuming that the first thing a grieving widow wants is another man so she can have a fuck. You should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t judge other women by how low your morals would be, if your husband died.

*your

@Durgasarrow so how exactly do you show gratitude if someone does something nice for YOU?

You are very welcome to go to the cinema with my husband - except I love Marvel so I'd like to come too.

I think it's totally fine. Sounds like maybe his wife is a bit insecure.

Hmm date night at the Cinema to see Marvel. The seductive background of children and teens in groups and with parents - oh yeah the romance.

This kind of mindset makes me laugh. I'm bisexual, am I not allowed to have any friends? Oh wait, I am, because having friends is a normal thing and doesn't mean I'll cheat on my partner.

@Owleyes16

This kind of mindset makes me laugh. I'm bisexual, am I not allowed to have any friends? Oh wait, I am, because having friends is a normal thing and doesn't mean I'll cheat on my partner.

I'd say maybe you're only allowed out with couples up friends in their couples bit presumably you'd just end up having a 3some to Endgame

I hate going to the cinema so happy for DH to take someone else.

Fine if discussed with his wife beforehand.

A neighbour of my mum lost his wife last year, and when he offered a widow nearby a lift to somewhere, someone else jumped to conclusions, sadly. The presumption is always that someone who is bereaved wants a new relationship, which is wrong.

@Durgasarrow - haven’t you ever heard of grieving? If your other half dies, I don’t think your first thought is, well he’s gone, who can I fuck now?

I have two close platonic male friends. One, I go to the cinema with quite often, usually to see a foreign film in a language we speak and DH doesn’t. Sometimes we have dinner afterwards on our own. It’s not a date at all. And I introduced him to DH and they now often go out for a beer together without me. The other one, I have known since I was a baby. His wife has never liked me, and he won’t usually tell her if we go out for a drink as it’s not worth the grief. We’ve never fancied each other and never will, so I’m not sure what her problem is, as he’s always been like a brother to me.