Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

I’d like to believe that men and women can just be friends but every platonic male friend I’ve ever had has tried it on with me at some point or another.

You must have a double dose of the allure.

And I clearly have a face like a robber's dog to explain my lack of 'allure' to my male friends.

@RedNun 🤣

My dm was a youngish widow and she experienced a lot of this, but it was more female friends where she and df had socialised as a couple that cut her off. My dm is the least predatory woman you can imagine and thinks extra-marital affairs are abhorrent. She was very hurt by this so I can imagine you feel the same. Sadly this attitude says more about them and their character and insecurities than you.

@RedNun

And I clearly have a face like a robber's dog to explain my lack of 'allure' to my male friends.

New favourite saying!

My dm was a youngish widow and she experienced a lot of this, but it was more female friends where she and df had socialised as a couple that cut her off
Your poor DM that is awful treatment it doesn't surprise me, single women through bereavement or choice are definitely seen as an enemy to some women, it is ludicrous if you think your DH can't control himself around your single friend you're in the wrong marriage.

I’m actually so glad I started this thread. It’s made me realise how lucky I am to have found a man who made me feel loved and secure 24/7. I’ve never once felt threatened by another woman and I’ve never once had to question our love.
I hope that posters who have been in awful relationships find some a man like that and have a happy life

@JizzPigeon22

I’m actually so glad I started this thread. It’s made me realise how lucky I am to have found a man who made me feel loved and secure 24/7. I’ve never once felt threatened by another woman and I’ve never once had to question our love. I hope that posters who have been in awful relationships find some a man like that and have a happy life

Spot on @JizzPigeon22 x

I have male friends but i am closer to my female friends. I just wouldn't go to the cinema with my male friends alone....they have dp and i would feel awkward...clearly i'm in the minority, uptight and weird!

These threads are always pretty illuminating, in a grim way, especially in view of what Wahhabist/Saudi Arabian ideas about male and female interaction as inherently sexual that some people (who are not in fact strictly observant Muslims) hold.

I honestly can't imagine thinking that I needed to be chaperoned by one or both spouses on an outing with a male friend, or that cinema or a restaurant meal were essentially 'intimate' couple situations, or that some kind of objective 'reason' is required to exchange text messages with a man I'm not dating/married to. That I need to consider my spouse's sexual paranoia, or my friend's spouse's sexual paranoia, in conducting my friendships. Or that rigid self-policing is required lest I accidentally fall into bed with men I've been successfully not sleeping with for the entire time I've known them.

Or that opposite sex friendships are grudgingly OK if sanctified by time preferably several decades but that to actually make friends with a person of the opposite sex in adulthood and/or when married or otherwise coupled, is some kind of betrayal of the relationship, because the only reason a man and a woman could be interested in one another is sexual.

I mean, it's pretty primitive stuff.

@GreenRoads you're exactly right.

Going to the cinema or for a drink or dinner with a male friend doesn't automatically mean we're going to start shagging over the popcorn.

My male friends are just that, friends. I'm no more likely to go over the side with them than I am my female friends, just because we have different genitals.

@RedNun

I’d like to believe that men and women can just be friends but every platonic male friend I’ve ever had has tried it on with me at some point or another.

Perhaps you have poor boundaries, and choose your friends unwisely, in the same way that some Mn posters frequently describe as 'friends' women who (a) they don't appear to like very much and (b) who regularly mistreat them? I have three very longterm friendships with men, two married and one currently single, and not one of them has ever made a pass at me, regardless of our relationships statuses at any one time. But by 'friends', I mean these are the kind of people I could phone at 3 am if I needed to be collected from A and E, not 'people I sometimes meet in the pub.'

Several of my female friends also have longterm peaceful male friendships without any sexual drama, so I don't think it's that wildly unusual.

Oh yeah it's my fault that other people cheat on their partners or try to cheat. I've clearly brought it on myself... Nice bit of victim blaming there. Is it just me with poor boundaries then or every single person who has been approached by someone else's partner? If I had such poor boundaries then I would be fucking other people's husbands, not telling them to fuck off.

I din't think it's the shagging bit that preys on my mind. U keep an emotional distance from my male friends...i hold them at arm's length a bit...perhaps i am missing out but i guess i am more of a girls' girl and dp is absolutely my best mate. But that is my stuff.

I do think the wife overreacted as you have been his mate for years. I do also think it is very unfair that single/ widowed women are seen as pedatory. However, she is clearly insecure....understandably as their marriage is clearly unsteady as he was thinking of ending it over this. They obviously have isdues they need to work through. So give them space to sort it...don't be crowbar girl who is like " shan't respect your wishes wife as he is my best mate and you are a harpy so will keep close to him so ner.... " Reassure her instead.

When I split with my ex, 2 of our mutual male friends who had always been 'mates' of mine tried it on with me.

Different to the OP though who has known the chap since way before she was married.

I've never been cheated on (lucky me) and the only time male friends (not often, obviously i have a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp) have come on to me I've said "thanks, but no thanks" and mostly it's either been ok after or the friendship has petered out because "Friendzone".

Some people (me) just aren't jealous and that's fine. Some people are and that's also pretty fine until they start being overly-controlling of partner who prefers to have a bit more freedom.

Sorry..I.keep an emotional distance from male friends ( just my preference, dosn't mean we all have to.)

[quote TheAquaticDuchess]@famousforwrongreason what is your view on bisexuals?[/quote]
Hahaha my 'view on bisexuals'?!!! Bisexual what? Presumably we're talking about people?
obviously I am part of the god hates fags brigade along with being a Scarlet Woman who invites unwanted attention from men because of my poor boundaries.
Considering I've had relationships with both men and women I'd say my view of 'bisexuals' is pretty much the same as my view of 'normal people' ffs

What's your view on being patronising to people who have different life experience from you ?

You must have a double dose of the allure.

Thank you 😊

This isn't just my experience. Most of my women friends have had the same experience. There's a particular group of apparently happily married men who we've all been preyed upon by at some point or other. I discontinue any friendship where they've overstepped the boundaries between us because I can't relax around them anymore.
I am amazed at how many women here claim to have no trust issues. Have you ever used tinder? There are so many profiles from married men looking for discretion. And that's just one site. What about all the illicit encounters and sugar daddy sites? What about the oft repeated tale that most of the people who pay sex workers are married men?

If you ever read the relationships board you will see the plethora of married men who cheat and their shocked partners who had no idea.
I'm sure there are trustworthy people but there are many people who don't have a trustworthy bone in their body.
Not just men, women too. I've known lots of women who cheat and personally for me, if I ever have another relationship I will steer well clear of anyone who claims that they have a close and special friendship with their ex or an emotionally intimate relationship with someone who they turn to for support instead of their partner.

I think the line " It's not my fault she never wants to do anything" suggests that deep down you think his wife is boring and you are fun....interesting.

Sorry about your dh. But no I would not be happy one bit for my husband to socialise with other women like that. That's disloyalty and I'd file it under emotional affair.

@RedNun

And I clearly have a face like a robber's dog to explain my lack of 'allure' to my male friends.

I was thinking the same thing 😂😂

About me obvs...

I think it entirely depends on the quality of your friend's marriage.

I am not rabidly insecure, so I wouldn't mind my boyfriend going to the cinema with a female friend (though wouldn't want him to do it in secret).

However, he doesn't like going to the cinema, so I sometimes go with a different male friend (he knows). It's obvious to everybody that our friendship is entirely platonic.

Hahaha my 'view on bisexuals'?!!! Bisexual what? Presumably we're talking about people? obviously I am part of the god hates fags brigade along with being a Scarlet Woman who invites unwanted attention from men because of my poor boundaries.
Considering I've had relationships with both men and women I'd say my view of 'bisexuals' is pretty much the same as my view of 'normal people' ffs hmm

I’m bisexual and don’t require to be called ‘a bisexual person’ rather than ‘a bisexual’, but I appreciate that person-centred language is very important to some people so I will happily be respectful of your preferences. Yes, I am talking about bisexual people. While we’re at it I find it very discouraging for you to use the phrase ‘normal people’ to describe heterosexual people, even if ironically. Statistically common does not mean the same as ‘normal’.

If your view on bisexual people is the same as on straight people then you must believe that it’s wrong for bisexual people to go to the cinema or for dinner etc with a friend of any gender. I’m just really intrigued by that viewpoint because it seems like such a restrictive way to live your life. I suppose a person could get all the companionship they needed from only seeing friends in groups, but I would personally miss out hugely on the closeness of having friends that I see one-to-one, especially if the reason I couldn’t see them was because my husband didn’t trust me not to have sex with them.

I haven’t made any comments on your boundaries, I have no idea why you’re directing ire towards me about that.

What's your view on being patronising to people who have different life experience from you ?

Do you feel patronised by being asked a question? Why?

@AmethystEnergy

Sorry about your dh. But no I would not be happy one bit for my husband to socialise with other women like that. That's disloyalty and I'd file it under emotional affair.

Does your husband have no social interaction with any other female then? What does "like that" mean? Does going to a Marvel film mean a greater emotional intimacy?

@malificent7

I din't think it's the shagging bit that preys on my mind. U keep an emotional distance from my male friends...i hold them at arm's length a bit...perhaps i am missing out but i guess i am more of a girls' girl and dp is absolutely my best mate. But that is my stuff.

I do think the wife overreacted as you have been his mate for years. I do also think it is very unfair that single/ widowed women are seen as pedatory. However, she is clearly insecure....understandably as their marriage is clearly unsteady as he was thinking of ending it over this. They obviously have isdues they need to work through. So give them space to sort it...don't be crowbar girl who is like " shan't respect your wishes wife as he is my best mate and you are a harpy so will keep close to him so ner.... " Reassure her instead.

Maleficent - have you read all of the OP's updates - because she has already said the DH and DW in question spilt up several months after this incident...

@malificent7 I think that's what I don't get. If I told DH I was going to the cinema with Jon I wouldn't think ohh were alone in the dark will there be helping, will he expect a snog, will the people necking in the next seats think we're a thing. I think ah cool, someone to see Frozen with. What is inherently uncomfortable about being in a cinema with someone you're not sleeping with?

@AmethystEnergy disloyal to spend his time off work whilst his wife is at work with a mate?? Wow. Do you expect your partner to sit in a corner of they aren't at work or with you until you come home so he doesn't betray your love by talkin to someone else?