Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

I still think the wife was with her OM close to the cinema that day. That's why she totally overreacted that night.

I wouldn't and don't have a problem with this. I don't watch any Star Wars movies, my SO does. He and a mutual female friend always watch on opening day together.

We did used to joke that the reason she kicked him out to events alone all the time was so the postman could slip in. Maybe there’s some truth in it!

I’d be wondering how many secret trysts my dh was having that I didn’t know about. Do you really consider it a secret if your partner does something whilst youre at work and tells you afterwards?

@gingganggooleywotsit

I do, but I would just find it irritating that she asked him. Can't help it! Everyone we know is married and we would all find it weird to ask someone else's husband to the cinema. I've met up with my mates husband to do stuff with the kids, but alone would be different.

Where did she ask him to the cinema? He mentioned it to her.

Maybe read the comments next time

@gingganggooleywotsit

I do, but I would just find it irritating that she asked him. Can't help it! Everyone we know is married and we would all find it weird to ask someone else's husband to the cinema. I've met up with my mates husband to do stuff with the kids, but alone would be different.

But partners aren't property. I'm not the wife of MrStanding, I'm Sleeping. If Mandy or Steve want to spend time with me, I don't need permission granted by my owner and vice versa

I go with female friends but would only go with a married male if his wife was okay with it, a single male mate my dh would have to be okay with too do you check with your female friends husband's in case there not ok? "Hey Shiela, wanna see Ghost Busters?" "Sure Margaret!" "Great, don't forget to ask Keith if he's ok with it"

@gingganggooleywotsit

I do, but I would just find it irritating that she asked him. Can't help it! Everyone we know is married and we would all find it weird to ask someone else's husband to the cinema. I've met up with my mates husband to do stuff with the kids, but alone would be different.

I just hope that your female friends know how you’re going to judge them, if they should become widowed.

We did used to joke that the reason she kicked him out to events alone all the time was so the postman could slip in. Maybe there’s some truth in it!

This really speaks volumes about your attitude towards the wife. You and your friend laugh at her behind her back and neither one of you seem to have any respect for her. Are you surprised she was fed up?

If my husband’s friend joked in that way about me, I am sure my husband would end that friendship himself. But then again, my husband respects me as much as I respect him.

Wasn’t behind her back actually we used to joke that in front of her and she used to agree that yes, that’s exactly why she didn’t want to come with us. She wasn’t a humourless bag.

To those who wouldn't like it: What happens if Sandra is trans and becomes Stuart, do you dump his as a friend because you can't see him alone? Can DH now see him alone? What if Dave becomes Dara, does your DH now get banned from seeing her but you can?

gosh i managed to slog half way through the thread (so sue me) and it's quite depressing how many people have so little faith in their partner that they can't countenance their partner going to the pictures with someone of the opposite sex.

I've been married for over 30 years. Sometimes we lived in different countries. In all that time my DH has had friends and gone out with them for food, boozing, to the pictures, to gigs etc etc etc. And so have I. And at no point have we said "no you can't go with him/her because they're the opposite sex"

In general the default position in a relationship should be trust

I don’t care if my DH is friends with Sandra or Stuart. I do not mind him having female friends. I know that he went with a female colleague to a football game, that he sometimes has lunches with his female colleagues and that he sometimes chats with them on whatsapp. I really do not mind any of this.

Why? Because my husband has never made me feel neglected in any way, he has never put their needs above mine and has never given me a reason to distrust him. This for us is a non issue.

@eveningfalls

so OP you are asking about this months afterwards. There are only 4 reasons

1. guilt or
2. reliving the emotional high it gave you or
3. Just an insecure person

He should not discuss his wife's thoughts with you, but that does not make you special, that makes you the middleman, the inconsequential person. It is obvious from your posts that you like the power play (and that does not have to be sexual, just a used idiot)

One of the more stupid opinions on this thread...

It’s very sad the amount of people who seemingly cease to function as an individual with a life independent of their relationship once they get in one, and stop perceiving others as independent individuals as well.

I once had a work trip where a married male colleague ended up without a hotel room at the last minute due to a mix up. There was a spare bed in my room. I said he could stay on it for the duration of the trip. He told his wife, she was fine with it. He and I used to meet separately for coffee and I’d always say if he wanted to bring his wife and we all go to the pub at some point that would be lovely. But she wasn’t my friend, he was, and she was happy to wave him off to catch up with me. He told me she used to joke about him going to see his “other woman”. I did meet her a few times - even ended up working with her briefly down the line - and she was lovely, there was no jealousy or animosity. It was all good natured and her joke was just that - a joke. This to me is how normal and rational humans function.

Good grief, the last time I went to see a film with DH he was so bored he fell asleep on my shoulder. I’d much rather go with friends - male or female - who actually had a mutual interest in what we’re watching!

I’d be quite happy for DH to take his female friend to watch their preferred choice of movie. anything to get out of watching ANOTHER mafia film

@Valkadin

I was very much like you and had and still have male friends but I’m more wary now. One was a ten year long friendship and we had lunch at work many times and he ended up becoming mates with my DH. We helped him through his divorce. He lodged at another colleagues house in the week as our workplace was so far from his home so often came for dinner at our house and we often used to go out for dinner when DH was away. Everyone knew this no secrecy, encouraged his new relationship really liked his new wife we even stayed at theirs and went on hols with them.

DH and I had a shocking rough patch a few years ago and separated for four months, no third party involved. I had cried on the phone to my mate, he was not taking sides there were none to take. By this time we were not colleagues. We went for a drink. We took a photo of us I remember saying how he should remove his work lanyard and I wasn’t branded by them anymore. Laughing our heads off.

When he dropped me off and we had one alcoholic drink each so we were not drunk, he tried to kiss me and offered sex. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

Thoroughly depressing and thoroughly believable. I have lost count of the amount of married or partnered men who've tried it on with me over the years, even now as I'm hurtling towards fifty, lost my face and figure due to stress and disability but still they keep coming.

@Bluemooninmyeyes1

People saying they’d be fine with it and he only ‘went out with a friend’. What if the next week it was a candlelit meal for two, again with the wife uninvited, would you be ok with that aswell? After all, it’s still just ‘going out with a friend’, and then the next week something else, just the two of them.

Surely you have to draw the line somewhere, or is this what people do now?!

People are so 'cool' on here. I don't believe that my attitude is 'from the 50s'. Practically every time I've been cheated on or deceived by a man it has been with a close woman friend or colleague. Either hiding in plain sight or plain hiding the interaction. Yes people can have platonic friendships but my experience has enhanced my spidey senses. I would also not be happy if my (mythical) partner met someone new and started going to events with her 'as a friend'.

It depends on how long you have known each other. If she was a friend from before he knew me, or a mutual friend of ours, then I wouldn’t have a problem. In fact I have in the past actually encouraged my husband to go to the cinema with a female friend of ours since they both wanted to see a certain film and I didn’t. But if she was a new friend that I didn’t really know... well, I’d be a bit suspicious.

So in your case no I don’t think you and your friend have done anything wrong.

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@Artandlove out of interest do you have any good make friends or are the only guys who are friendly to you just trying to covertly hit on you? I have a friend who until recently would have said she had no male friends who hasn't tried it on with her, so she's naturally less trusting of m/f friendships[/quote]
Yup. This is me sadly. Pretty much every man friend I've ever had has tried to shag me. I have very few close man friends now because it makes me feel vulnerable.
The people on here banging on about 'a relationship is nothing without trust' have been very fortunate. In my most recent job, FOUR married men were having affairs with colleagues.
My most recent ex was cheating on me with close women friends (three exes). He's charismatic, good looking and very popular. I trusted him blindly until things started to unravel. I go into every relationship with trust and each time I have been lied to. There's thousands of threads on here about affairs and cheating partners. In most cases these people are able to carry out a great deal of deception before being caught out.

“ People who think men and women can’t be platonic friends really weird me out.“

This.

Have a good few male friend and I made it very clear to dh they were there to stay. He would not have become a DH if he had any objections. We do dinners, cinema, pub together. Wives are all perfectly fine except for one who has issues herself and does not get it. Needless to say their reletionship is horrid.

The thought that being in a relationship would mean the end of some frindship based on their sex freaks me out and is alien to me.

Don't think anyone on here are saying they are cool because they have said YANBU. Some have trust in their relationships, some just don't see what the issue is and/or some don't see how a lack of a penis makes you a threat to a woman in a relationship.

It is sad that many women on here have trust issues

It's true as an above poster said, one person in the friendship may think it's platonic but the other may have other ideas. When I split with my ex, 2 of our mutual male friends who had always been 'mates' of mine tried it on with me. I think it's really naive to think that these kind of friendships are always totally innocent on both sides.

@famousforwrongreason what is your view on bisexuals?

I think it's really naive to think that these kind of friendships are always totally innocent on both sides

Yeah. I agree. I’d like to believe that men and women can just be friends but every platonic male friend I’ve ever had has tried it on with me at some point or another. They’ve always apologised afterwards when they realised I wasn’t into them but it’s made me really wary of having straight male friends now. I would love one to prove me wrong but so far they haven’t.

I’d like to believe that men and women can just be friends but every platonic male friend I’ve ever had has tried it on with me at some point or another.

Perhaps you have poor boundaries, and choose your friends unwisely, in the same way that some Mn posters frequently describe as 'friends' women who (a) they don't appear to like very much and (b) who regularly mistreat them? I have three very longterm friendships with men, two married and one currently single, and not one of them has ever made a pass at me, regardless of our relationships statuses at any one time. But by 'friends', I mean these are the kind of people I could phone at 3 am if I needed to be collected from A and E, not 'people I sometimes meet in the pub.'

Several of my female friends also have longterm peaceful male friendships without any sexual drama, so I don't think it's that wildly unusual.