Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 13:17

Seriously? Do I come across as a cunt or something? Nah, you can go to the cinema with my husband any time, but I'm not frigging looking after all 6 kids so they better be at school!

Sk1nnyB1tch · 06/08/2020 13:18

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers
My husband goes drinking with other women, never mind the cinema! Neither bother me.
We also work different hours and he can't hang around at home waiting for me or vice versa.
People will cheat if they want to and no amount of checking up or controlling their behavior will stop them.
That's why trust is so important in relationships.

RedNun · 06/08/2020 13:21

I wouldn’t care if somebody went with my partner to the cinema but I wouldn’t go with another woman’s husband. I guess it opens the door to rumours and suspicion from others.

That's a bit mad. So you wouldn't mind, but would expect another woman in the same position to start 'rumours and suspicions' if you went to the cinema with her husband? Do you think other women are automatically suspicious and insecure or something?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 13:24

I wouldn’t go with another woman’s husband. I guess it opens the door to rumours and suspicion from others that's a really sad way to live your life. I started a new job, at the same time as a guy my age. Everyone else had been there forever and was at least a decade older. We had lunch together virtually every day. Didn't see him outside of work. Had a laugh, but not flirting. Worked in same team but different small offices so this was our catch up time. Apparently for the whole two years people had gossiped over if we were having an affair. Lunch in the staff canteen FFS. Imagine if you could never do anything in case someone made up a lie.

I also spent a lot of free time with a female friend, were both heterosexual btw, we were both single, lived at home so wanted to get out, similar disposable income, same age, interests etc. I actually had someone ask if we were "seeing" each other because we spent so much time together.

By your logic I'd have had two years of lonely lunches and had to cut down seeing my friend. And people will read something into nothing am the time so you'd literally only be allowed or in groups where you didn't look at any one person more than another.

loobyloo1234 · 06/08/2020 13:27

This is one of the strangest threads i've ever read on here. Well the strangest responses

Firstly, sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Secondly, I would have absolutely no issue with this whatsoever. You have been friends since you were 3. If something were to happen, it would've happened long ago I'm sure. This is the wife's insecurity. Nothing more. And shame on anyone that says they would have issue with this. I feel sorry for all of your DP/DH's - they are with insecure control freaks

Artandlove · 06/08/2020 13:28

@myrtleWilson I wouldn’t, no.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/08/2020 13:30

However, you're still going to have to go on a charm offensive with her to keep the peace.

No, she doesnt @wigglerose. Because the wife left the OP's friend and is now living with another man.Hmm

Durgasarrow · 06/08/2020 13:31

I think it's kind of awkward, yes.

Emmmie · 06/08/2020 13:33

I would love to hear the wife’s side of the story. She has been painted as a jealous psycho on here, unfairly so, without ever having a chance to explain herself.

RedNun · 06/08/2020 13:34

@loobyloo1234, there have been loads of similar threads down the years that I can remember, sometimes specifically focusing on the cinema, or drinks, or a meal out.

For some people to my mind utterly bizarrely a film or a meal is Sacred Sexual Couple Territory, and must not be trespassed upon by men and women not in a romantic relationship with one another in case it Gives Them the Wrong Idea, and/or It Takes Away from Their Actual Marriage/Relationship By Cheapening Seeing The Avengers or Having a Pizza.

It must lead to bizarrely restricted lives if such large amounts of perfectly ordinary things are roped off as Couples Only. (I always wonder if these are the same people who agonise about going to the theatre alone or into a pub by themselves, or who think going on holidays alone is a Saddo Activity...)

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 13:35

@Artandlove out of interest do you have any good make friends or are the only guys who are friendly to you just trying to covertly hit on you? I have a friend who until recently would have said she had no male friends who hasn't tried it on with her, so she's naturally less trusting of m/f friendships

loobyloo1234 · 06/08/2020 13:36

@RedNun

I know right? God forbid a man can take his friend to the cinema to watch something they both want to see. With no intention other than to watch the film. Bizarre hey Hmm

Seriously, I've rolled my eyes so much at some of the replies here I need to see an optician

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/08/2020 13:37

I think this isn't about you OP, or the cinema.

I agree @GrumpiestOldWoman. It may have been a case of the wife not being at work at all, but with the man she lives with now. One of the things about having an affair is that you need to know where your DP is, so you dont bump into them when you're not where you say you are.

wigglerose · 06/08/2020 13:38

@dionethediabolist Sounds like the wife was projecting a smidge then haha!

dodgeballchamp · 06/08/2020 13:46

It’s really, genuinely tragic the amount of people who’ve seemingly never experienced emotional intimacy with a friend. That’s what they’re there for? To be close with, have a laugh with, cry with, confide in, reminisce with... if you met a man with a long standing female friend he’d had since he was 3, would you seriously expect him to scale back the friendship once you started dating? Do friends no longer count as friends if they marry, only “someone else’s husband/wife”?

Like a PP said if you think it’s acceptable to ask someone to curtail their friendships when you start dating them please do us all a favour and stop dating until you’ve worked through your toxic jealousy and patriarchal conditioning. This really is “the straights are at it again” as someone else said!

Also, if I had a long-standing friend who got a newish partner who had an issue with my presence, no way would I “step back”. In fact I’d encourage them to find another partner who didn’t want to police their every move. Friends are so important and many friendships outlive relationships and it’s truly sad that some people have never had that connection.

Artandlove · 06/08/2020 13:47

@RedNun and @SleepingStandingUp No, I can just accept that whilst I’d be okay with it there are many people who wouldn’t be - this is the main reason why I wouldn’t and I wouldn’t want to be the person causing problems in another relationship. No, I wouldn’t want to leave myself open to rumours of that nature. Lunch in the canteen at work is totally different whereas social (not business related) meal for two in a restaurant, I believe is back to the same cinema problem.

It’s merely a difference of opinion to what is acceptable within a relationship and what isn’t. If the wife isn’t okay with it then it becomes disrespectful.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/08/2020 13:49

"@JizzPigeon22

*I do wonder if I had posted about my female friend, who’s husband had screamed at me down the phone, posters would be asking wether she takes him out on dates, asks his permission to be with her friends and makes him feel excluded because he chooses to isolate himself away.

I reckon I’d be getting very different responses!*

Totally agree with you - I would add that ppl would be saying that he was so controlling because he had been cheating for a long time.
As it is the genders are switched, and with it some posters attitude on who is to blame

dodgeballchamp · 06/08/2020 13:50

Honestly, if a friends partner isn’t okay with something that I consider absolutely batshit (like meeting a friend for a perfectly innocent hangout) then I don’t give a shit about the partner and I wouldn’t pander to their unreasonable tendencies. I prioritise my friendships and if they have controlling partners I’d be encouraging them to leave.

Cheeseandwin5 · 06/08/2020 13:52

@Emmmie

I would love to hear the wife’s side of the story. She has been painted as a jealous psycho on here, unfairly so, without ever having a chance to explain herself.

As all problems on this site only show one side of the issue , I assume you make this comment on all topics......

CorianderLord · 06/08/2020 13:54

Yes he does it regularly (or bar/dinner/museum)

Artandlove · 06/08/2020 13:54

@SleepingStandingUp yes, I have good male friends and they have got on to have long term partners over the years and then went on to marry or start families etc. The friendships have altered to be include the girlfriends or wives and I wouldn’t meet them alone now. Hadn’t actually thought of how these friendships had changed over the years actually until you asked. It just happened naturally.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 13:55

If the wife isn’t okay with it then it becomes disrespectful
My husband isn't ok with me seeing Jake, says it's disrespectful. He says talking to him is disrespectful too. He doesn't trust Mandy. Says I shouldn't see her. Says my Mom was rude to him, that still seeing her is disrespectful. So now just we go out. He said I couldn't wear that dress, other men would look, I didn't respect him enotto cover up. That after we'd been out and he'd paid that I showed respect and gratitude on the bedroom or else I didn't care about his feelings.

That's the problem with "your partner feelings always come first / even if they're irrational you should do as they say"

Choosing who your partner can do what with is the thin edge of a potentially dangerous wedge.

Artandlove · 06/08/2020 13:55

Sorry the words changed but you know what they are meant to be!

CorianderLord · 06/08/2020 13:56

People really find the cinema 'intimate'?? It's not a couples massage

Artandlove · 06/08/2020 13:58

@SleepingStandingUp A bit of what your friend said too which for me abruptly ended those friendships.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.