Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

Completely agree Sleeping

The friendships have altered to be include the girlfriends or wives and I wouldn’t meet them alone now.

But why on earth not, @Artandlove? Could you explain your thinking? And have you never happened to make friends with a man who was already in a longterm relationship or married?

@SleepingStandingUp what about consideration for your partners feelings?

@dodgeballchamp if I was approached by a friends wife in a negative way - I wouldn’t ignore them and I’d take a step back.

Cheeseandwin5

Every thread is different. Yes, I refuse to form an opinion on the wife based on one sided story. I am entitled to my opinion just like you are to yours and I do not need to justify to you when I decide to comment on a post or not.

Chances are the mate's wife was having a pash with her OM nearby and the spontaneous cinema trip could have rumbled her. That's why her response was so OTT.

@RedNun Erm, I don’t know really. The friendships just evolved in to that. Even male friends I’ve made who had partners when we met I just automatically became friends with the partners too. I suppose I got to know the partners through the friendships so become friends with the partner too.

I think that’s sad to be honest artandlove that you can’t see (in a literals and perceptive sense) your friends as individuals once they’re in a relationship. I can’t imagine having friendships that are contingent on both parties being single.

If I was approached negatively by a friend’s partner (and it’s very unlikely because neither my friends or their partners are Victorian minded lunatics) my first response would probably be to laugh at them, before firmly but calmly telling them that trying to control their partners friendships was a form of isolation, control and abuse, and that as a long standing friend I’d be going nowhere, but they were welcome to leave if they didn’t like that. I’d worry deeply for any friend who had a partner like that.

And yes, to add, if a friend got a new partner I’d of course say ‘why don’t you bring them along to XYZ’ but I wouldn’t stop seeing friend on an individual basis. Nobody likes that person who can’t do anything alone and drags their partner to everything even when it really isn’t that kind of event/meeting

@Artandlove well it's rationalised.
Me: Can I go to Manchester to spend the day with Steve?
DH: no because we can't afford it / it's my only weekend off etc FINE
DH: no because you can't be trusted / he can't be trusted / what will people think NOT FINE but we'd talk. I'd point out that beyond childcare I don't need his permission so I wouldn't go because 13 his with the kids alone abbey and resentful isn't fair on them.

So you mind if I go to see Endgame Sunday with Steve?
Yes because I wanted to go with you FINE
No because I don't trust you / him / people will talk NOT FINE. I'd still go and point out of he doesn't trust me to not have a affair he's in the wrong marriage.

But also I couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me.

Would you go to the cinema without your DP but with a single man friend? What if he got a gf but she wasn't interested in being your friend?

This would not bother me in the slightest, my husband can socialise with whoever he likes regardless of them being male or female, and he feels the same about me. Cinema would be the least of my worries anyway, you can't do a whole deal of talking let alone much else!

Sleeping has summed it up perfectly. Consideration for your partners feelings depends on context, but if those feelings boil down to ‘can’t be trusted/men and women can’t be alone together/it’s not right’ etc and the feelings are based on possessive, jealous thoughts and toxic ideas about men and women then no, those are not feelings id give any consideration to whatsoever. I understand checking with a partner on plans when there’s kids to consider but in the absence of kids I wouldn’t be asking. It would be “I’m going to the cinema with Steve on Friday”. End of story.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I have a male friend from work who I often used to go to the cinema with and DH didn't mind at all.

Thing is my volunteer work involves weekends away with people DH doesn't know, living in close proximity / shared rooms / calling together and a high level of emotional intimacy , so I expect an insecure controlling guy would have given me up as a bad idea anyway.

@SleepingStandingUp and @dodgeballchamp I have already said these friendships just naturally evolved. Don’t feel sad for me, I hadn’t put any thought in to this until now, I’m totally happy in how I live my life regarding this matter.

For being so understanding in real life, you both sound to not be very accepting of other people’s opinions. Articulating your own views in an quite abrupt and ridiculing way.

I’ve nothing further to add to this post. Hopefully other people will be along to share their views.

Isn't this what trust is for? I think anyone who wouldn't be cool with this has major trust issues.

I think the issue hear is definitely that he didn’t tell her. He was wrong to hide it from her and no wonder she was annoyed/ suspicious.

I wouldn't have a problem with this, would save me going to see a film I have zero interest in seeing!

Well yeah I mean if I think someone’s opinion (and I don’t mean you personally art) is based in unhealthy and toxic notions like jealousy and control and indicates a propensity for abusive behaviour then no I won’t consider it or give it any thought, same as I wouldn’t consider the opinion of a racist or homophobe.

Given the circumstances, I wouldn't have a problem with it, no. I wouldn't expect my DH to be weird if I went to the cinema with a male friend who I'd known for years, and vice-versa.

Oh my! Reading some comments people really don’t seem to trust their partners? It shouldn’t matter whether your friends with male or females!! If you trust each other then shouldn’t that be what counts? I would say it’s acceptable to go to the cinema in the middle of the day. Sounds like she distrusts him and is maybe jealous of you. It’s a sign of the times that people see the worst.

With my DP (I'm not married), it would depend on who it was and my level of trust or otherwise. I would trust him, but if I was worried about the other woman then I would not like it.

It's always enlightening how many new posters turn up on threads to tell women they shouldn't have boundaries. Their names are always interesting too. Having friends since childhood is not 'breaking boundaries'. Setting the expectation that you are not allowed friends is bizarre.

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this REALLY? I can't think of a single woman I know who would bat an eyelid. Two of my closest friends are men - one, I was actually friends with the wife first and she is my best friend, but he and I regularly go places just the two of us. The other, I like his fiancee but we don't really know each other that well - HE is my friend, not her. She's fine with it. Never occured to her not to be. One of her own best friends is a man.

If they're uncomfortable with close friendships with the opposite sex then you should ensure that how you conduct your platonic opposite sex friendships doesn't impact your relationship. If the person I was in a relationship with wouldn't let me be friends with 50% of the population I'd leave them.

But no you should not be going on cinema dates with a married man. Nobody has clarified (that I've seen) what the protocol is for gay/bi/lesbian people here. Someone help, I'm having a bisexual panic. Should I never go to the cinema with my friends? What if they're not married? What about before they're married, is it okay then?

I wouldn’t go to the cinema with another woman’s husband. Again, what about a man's wife? What about another woman's boyfriend? What about if it's your dad? What part of the marriage vows say 'forsaking all others, never to be alone with another adult of the gender I am attracted to again lest I fall prey to lust'?

This is, genuinely, one of the most depressing threads I've ever seen on here. So, so so many people who do not trust their partners - in some cases, because of past trauma - which is understandable - but in many, many many of them, just people who fundamentally don't believe you should have friends of the same gender as your partner and would be perfectly comfortable to enforce that in their own relationships. Which leads me back to the question of what everyone thinks non-straight people do? Also, cuts you off from half the population for potential friends...

I am sorry for your loss.

I would not be happy for my husband to go out to theater with another woman.

Why, @SecretWitch? I'm not being snide (well, not to you anyway - I am baffled generally) I've asked a few times to people who've said similar and I genuinely don't understand.

both parties have to be ok with this as l have always had a long term male best friend and female best friends l tend to go to activities with both sexes. for example good friend from a book club we will go to the ballet together and l will go to an action movie with her husband. watch sports with someone else's husband and go to a beauty event with the wife.
my partner will go out about twice a month with other women friends he had before he meet me to things l don't want to go to however problems have arrived when one particular women obviously only wants him around, we have discussed it, it's to events she has organised when other people are there so not just
them but as l fully trust him not of a issue.