Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

Once my DH went to see a ""comedian"" at the cinema and I went to the adjacent screen with her boyfriend to see Frozen. Are we swingers now? He REALLY isn't my type

Yes I was pregnant at the time and was there mostly for those little bacon puffy crisp things they do. I had 2 large boxes of them

@JizzPigeon22

Yes I was pregnant at the time and was there mostly for those little bacon puffy crisp things they do. I had 2 large boxes of them

I'm judging you for not being there for Thor. Not for the 2 boxes though.

Thor’s all fat in endgame though

I this scenario no. You are old friends and have a shared interest.

New friend. No.

Meh, good wash and plenty of exercise 😏😏 he'd be sorted. Actually I went with DH and conceived around that time... Maybe it was sitting in the cinema heat caused it!!

@Delatron

I this scenario no. You are old friends and have a shared interest.

New friend. No.

So how long can I know your dh before I'm allowed in a public place with him without you? Genuine qn

@SleepingStandingUp It’s the trip alone together that’s the part in question and whether or not this is okay. If they want to go to the cinema together, again, see something that everybody can go to or that the adults can all go together (get a babysitter).

Op you sound like you don’t like his wife from your post so she is likely to feel this too. Do you want the question answered in your post or is it only for those who agree with you and tell you they think this is okay? Like I said I wouldn’t go to the cinema with somebody else’s husband. Knowing his wife isn’t okay with this makes it disrespectful from both of you, especially him. He should apologise to her for being so inconsiderate to his wife’s feelings/beliefs.

I’d have no issue with it, I think friends can be of both sexes.

Little point continuing a relationship if there’s no trust.

@JizzPigeon22

You've been through so much. I think you sound incredibly strong.

That's a huge amount at 26 😢😢

Sending you ❤️

@Artandlove no offence, but read the thread before making comments ffs. Literally everything in your comment had already been explained.

@EarringsandLipstick Totally agree ❤️

Thankyou @EarringsandLipstick. I had the best 10 years of my life with him.

She's crackers - you were best woman at wedding, and you;ve been mates since you were 3??? Obvs some deep hidden insecurity there on her part.
it's not like to went to see some rom com.
I go to cinema with male and female friends just to 2 of us when DW doesn't want to go, or she comes if she does. no big deal.

@JizzPigeon22 no offence 😉, explained however doesn’t mean everybody with be in agreement.

If they want to go to the cinema together, again, see something that everybody can go to or that the adults can all go together well either the cinema is intimate/datey in which op is a spare wheel / I'm the way or it isn't so he can go with anyone. Plus the wife doesn't like the movies/Marvel so wouldn't go so does that mean he's never allowed to go? Is alone ok just not with someone of preferred sexual partner gender? Can he go with a gay male friend? Straight male friend? His Mom? Who is on approved list?
I do a full day on the city with my male friend - coffee shop, sight seeing, museum etc, walk, then a nice restaurant. Is this ok cos none of those spaces are confined?

I think the fact you said "when she found out" makes it a bit weird. I'd find it a bit odd if my DH went to the Cinema randomly mid day and didn't mention it.

Your friendship sounds lovely and perfectly appropriate but I can see how it would be hard for her to see it that way.

I think if your friend (her DH) was a bit more open she might not have minded so much.

You don’t agree with facts?
She doesn’t like the cinema.
She had never before had a problem with us going to the cinema.
He’s not going to apologise to her because they are no longer together.

@jizzpigeon22

I think it depends, honestly.

Superficially, there's nothing to have a problem about. She's not interested in the film for goodness' sakes. I suppose the thing to consider is, does he make time to go to the films that she does want to see? But then that's not a you problem (even though she's made it a you problem) that's a him problem, and a good friend would ask this and point him back to being more considerate of his wife.

My advice is to take stock of how you behave around her.

Are you friendly? If you're all together do you include her in conversations? Do you ask about things she's interested in? If its just the two of you is your main topic of conversation her husband? Are you dismissive of her interests? If she says something or tries to start a conversation, do you just shut it down? Do you act arrogant or superior with her? Do you treat her like a third wheel and only talk about something her husband knows about if you're all together? Do you laugh at her if you think she's done something wrong or try to correct her all the time? Do you talk a lot or only about when you're with her husband and her about things only you and him have done together, or about things from before he knew her? If you talk to her are you only interested in what her husband does or says? Do you treat her like her own person, or this thing that is always around your friend?

If you don't do any of these things, you're fine I think and she's massively overreacted. However, you're still going to have to go on a charm offensive with her to keep the peace. Sorry, it's unfair but its true and you'll have to be the bigger person, since she's shown she's not.

Incidentally, I know a female friend of my husband who has a tendency to do all of the above, which adds up to give the impression that she doesn't respect or like me! I'd be ok if she were friendlier to me. I don't need to be friends with everyone, but being warm to my husband and cool to me makes me massively side-eye her. Since she's done all of the above (and more) while never actually doing anything egregiously bad (like trying to get off with my husband, that type of thing), I have a problem with her.

Are you friendly? If you're all together do you include her in conversations? Do you ask about things she's interested in? If its just the two of you is your main topic of conversation her husband? Are you dismissive of her interests? If she says something or tries to start a conversation, do you just shut it down? Do you act arrogant or superior with her? Do you treat her like a third wheel and only talk about something her husband knows about if you're all together? Do you laugh at her if you think she's done something wrong or try to correct her all the time? Do you talk a lot or only about when you're with her husband and her about things only you and him have done together, or about things from before he knew her? If you talk to her are you only interested in what her husband does or says? Do you treat her like her own person, or this thing that is always around your friend?

Seriously? Do I come across as a cunt or something?

I got what I came here for and I’m done. Thanks everyone for responding

@jizzpigeon22 Well, as I said you're fine then and she's overreacting. Don't give her any more headspace.

@SleepingStandingUp He needs a wife where they have similar views on this. It’s unfortunately one of those things that everybody has an opinion on and there is no sort of middle ground with it.

I wouldn’t care if somebody went with my partner to the cinema but I wouldn’t go with another woman’s husband. I guess it opens the door to rumours and suspicion from others.

Do you start rumours if your saw two lifelong friends together in this situation art?

Your friend's wife sounds a bit nuts. I wouldn't bat an eyelid at my husband going somewhere with a female friend. Likewise he wouldn't think twice about me going somewhere with a male friend (which over the years has happened a lot more than him being out with a woman just by the nature of our friendship groups).

I think this isn't about you OP, or the cinema.

It sounds like you are close friends and you spend time together. We know you don't have designs on your friend.

If, however, your friend's wife gets the impression that he might feel more strongly then you can see why she'd be unhappy. She might be getting vibes from him that makes her concerned.

I once had a DP who talked about another woman all the time. I hadn't really minded at the time but some time after we broke up they started a relationship and with hindsight I think his feelings for her ran beyond friendship.