Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

The fact that she hadn't had a problem with it before, even after your dh died, which suggests that something changed to make her think there was something more to the friendship. Perhaps she always had her suspensions.
Does he live with you now?

@Happymum12345

I’m sorry your dh has died but I wouldn’t be happy with this at all. Go by yourself to watch the films, or find another friend who isn’t married.

Wow so female married friends are out of bounds too?? Op I was gonna say I'll come next time but geez, we couldn't be trusted!!

or find another friend who isn’t married.

I genuinely feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone reading some of these comments!?

Once you're an adult, are you only allowed non-married friends? Are you allowed married friends of the same gender?

What if they're attracted to the same gender you are, does that make them off-limits again?

What if they're bisexual, is that safer or more dangerous?

What if they're engaged, is it time to downgrade them to 'coffee and an occasional phone call'?

What about if they've been in a relationship for 10 years and have children but never want to get married, is that still acceptable?

She's answered that @Iminaglasscaseofemotion: it was no.

I think its fine to go to cinema to see a movie with a person of the opposite sex. The weird part is not mentioning it in advance. My husband sometimes goes out with a female friend, if it was something I was interested in i might complain about being left out but if it isnt they may as well go and enjoy. I'd want my husband to tell me though, even if I cpuldnt see phone in advance just a message to say they were doing it otherwise it feels a bit sneaky?

When my husband first died my married female friend came over and slept in my bed with me and cuddled me for about 3 weeks. Is that out of bounds too? Some people on here don’t have close friendships and that’s fine but you can’t project your insecurities and lack of understanding on others who do. There’s been many threads over the years about friends and a majority of the posters say they don’t have any friends or they just have acquaintances rather than close ride or die type friends.

The weird part is not mentioning it in advance.

How should he mention spur of a moment in advance?

The weird part is not mentioning it in advance. The op has said clearly it was a last minute decision. Having to text the wife to tell her before he's allowed or even though she won't get it is weird. In fact it's more like covering your tracks then saying over dinner "oh I saw x today, we went and saw Thor and his mighty hammer, was good, better than the last one. Well have to get it for the kids when it comes out"

This whole thread is a strong case of: the straights are at it again.

If you can't understand how a friendship is more than what's in someone's pants, or that a relationship based on trust and not fucking gender, or that there is no inherent risk in someone of differing genders being friends (and to deny that neatly erases the existance of gay, lesbian and bisexual people), then the problem is not your partner's friends. It's you. You all need to get over your trust issues, your weirdly rigid gender stereotypes, and your 1950s approach to relationships.

Honestly this is one of the weirder threads I've read on here and the Sistine Chapel thing was strange enough.

I'm not projecting any insecurities I don't think. I don't even think that you are unreasonable. I was just a answering why someone might feel miffed even if they didn't think this was heading towards a sexual betrayal.

I was very much like you and had and still have male friends but I’m more wary now. One was a ten year long friendship and we had lunch at work many times and he ended up becoming mates with my DH. We helped him through his divorce. He lodged at another colleagues house in the week as our workplace was so far from his home so often came for dinner at our house and we often used to go out for dinner when DH was away. Everyone knew this no secrecy, encouraged his new relationship really liked his new wife we even stayed at theirs and went on hols with them.

DH and I had a shocking rough patch a few years ago and separated for four months, no third party involved. I had cried on the phone to my mate, he was not taking sides there were none to take. By this time we were not colleagues. We went for a drink. We took a photo of us I remember saying how he should remove his work lanyard and I wasn’t branded by them anymore. Laughing our heads off.

When he dropped me off and we had one alcoholic drink each so we were not drunk, he tried to kiss me and offered sex. To say I was devastated is an understatement.

My husband regularly went to the cinema with one of our female friends before lockdown, as neither I nor her husband are film fans but both of them are. I'd be concerned if he did this behind my back or hid who he was with, as then I'd wonder why he was being secretive - but when all 4 of us know what's going on I can't see a problem.

What is it we call countries where women aren't allowed out with other man than relatives?...
Oh yeah. Backwards, misogynistic and shit.
Sounds like some people here would love it tho...

Lots of pp saying they wouldn't do something if it upset their partner... OK, but if my DH said he didn't want me to go to the pictures with a friend because the friend was male, I would start thinking about why and the only conclusion to that would be that he didn't trust me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me. I wouldn't be with DH if I had such mistrust of him.

Trusting someone is not ruling out the possibility that they will cheat. of course my DH could cheat on me. Anything is possible. But I don't think he will, and I could not bear to live a life based around the premise that he is likely to, and have to set all sorts of restrictions and rules to make it less likely. Either he is the sort of man who will cheat or he is not. And if he is that sort of man, he will do it whether I ban him from going to the pictures with a friend or I don't.

OP, you’re not unreasonable and what his wife said to you was utterly disgusting and unforgivable.

I have a male friend from University, we’ve been friends for over 20 years. There’s absolutely no sexual tension there whatsoever. He is long term single whereas I’ve been happily married for 15 years. We live quite far apart but we talk every few weeks and meet up halfway every couple of months - cinema, Meals, days out (I sometimes take my kids, sometimes DH comes too). I’d be really angry if my DH reacted the way his wife did.

OP I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.

You did absolutely nothing wrong. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to have friends any sex and any relationship status.

Your friend did nothing wrong.

It sounds like your friend is better off out of that marriage!

Any PPs who would be unable to trust their other halves to go to the cinema with a lifelong friend have my sympathy. I can’t imagine how awful it must be to have that sort of relationship.

Last thought before I get the kids ready.

It's sad how many women either dislike men so much they couldn't find any they'd want to be FRIENDS with, or feel the only safe way to be around a man is for it to be socially acceptable to have sex with him or have one of their partners there to make sure nothing happens. How do these people ever find a man they like enough to marry and have kids with?

@myrtleWilson OP doesn't know that for sure. She doesn't live in their house. It could have just been a feeling the wife was getting from him.

Did you do things together alone before your dh died OP?

Yes we did.

Am fairly certain the OP would know if the friend now lived with her @Iminaglasscaseofemotion - I was answering that question

My dh has several female friends - two are single (though why he'd be more likely to have an affair with a single woman is anyone's guess! Married women have affairs too) - that I would welcome him going to see some (godawful) Marvel film with. No problem at all. I'd be especially supportive if one had just lost a loved one. I'd probably suggest it.

The difference is that I know and like these women. They are people I consider friends. Does that mean he'd never be unfaithful? Of course not. But I do not think that he's likely to be unfaithful with these friends. If he were to have an affair, I would learn that my dh is a lying shit and leave him.

But his wife didn't like you (which you knew). She was jealous of your friendship and the time he spent with you, which is a bad sign for their marrriage but also meant that he needed to tread carefully.

I would not like my dh going to a film with someone that I dislike and that I suspect dislikes me.

Whew. I've just RTFT. I spent a lot of it picking my jaw up off the floor.

Firstly @JizzPigeon22 I'm so sorry for your loss. Your love for your husband rings through all your posts. This line I’m still very much in love with my husband is 💔

I see many people agree with me - I cannot see how there could be any issue with this. You've been really clear on the scenario. I'm really glad you have a friend like this - he sounds great.

It seems clear that his wife's reaction is based on her own unhappiness and insecurity & not surprising the marriage is over now.

I can't understand the kind of opinion that automatically sees a male-female relationship as suspicious, having to 'prove' that they can be trusted.

It starts with the marriage - be clear on how you both feel, trust each other & if something starts to evoke a response, talk about it, within the marriage.

Regardless of anything his wife felt, she was every kind of wrong berating a bereaved woman. Awful.

When I was married my husband had plenty of female friends, I liked it; some I knew, others I didn't really. Totally trusted him. Now it turns out that my husband was an utterly abusive dick who put me & our children through hell, but certainly his female friendships didn't cause an issue.

I had a lot of male friends, through my workplace at the time. We hung around together in a group, generally.

One of saddest things that happened after my marriage ended was how I was treated by wives of male friends. One I was particularly close to, came over a couple of months after my marriage ended. He was genuinely concerned for me. We arranged to meet for coffee a month or so after and he cancelled. Didn't think anything of it. Then he essentially stopped contacting me. His wife had always been insecure & suspicious of everyone he was friends with. It was clear to me she wasn't happy with him meeting me. I still saw him very occasionally in a group setting & would see her watching me like a hawk.

I'd no interest in him, but actually no interest in anyone, my marriage had left me in pieces & 7 years later I've had absolutely no relationships, not even a date. I can't face it.

I really really missed my friend though. He was someone I really was close to. I don't really take too much exception to this (it's different to OP's situation) but I wished that this woman and others, and friends who left me out of their dinner parties & stopped meeting up, could have seen how lonely I was and how much I missed friendship.

I can cope without a relationship but I miss friendships so much.

@EarringsandLipstick

Im sorry for your situation the people frothing at the mouth on here should read your post closely

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be.
But no, in those circumstances I wouldn't ever express my problems. I'm quite an insecure person as it is so I would feel paranoid about it, but my DP would have no idea. She's obviously insecure and it's not a nice feeling to know you give her husband something she can't and some people just can't hold their emotions in very well.
I pray you have peace with this

And Thankyou to everyone who had expressed condolences. It’s much appreciated, it was a very difficult time