Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

@Womencanlift

I would end a relationship before a lifetime friendship if my partner indicated that I couldn’t see my friend

I think I would to. It would really upset me that they didn’t trust me or take my friendship seriously as a source of support and happiness.

I think our experiences shape how we'd feed about this. In my experience, both my dad and husband cheated, so I'm quite cynical about male fidelity.

I think if I trusted my partner absolutely then I would be fine with it, but I would be aware at the back of my mind that friendships and intentions can flip (not saying they always do) and I would tell my husband to go but be aware of his intentions (not the woman's).

I would go to the cinema with a male friend if it was to see a film my DH didn’t want to see and if DH didn’t like it I’d be quite upset at him not trusting me

@SchrodingersImmigrant

My sister went nuts, told me it was totally against the sisterhood and I shouldn't go.

Funny how the "sisterhood" usually appears when women are being told what they can't do and they should be good girls for the other women, isn't it...

Ha! Yes indeed, I agree with that. We had a good talk about it afterwards and she admitted that her response was down to the fact she'd been cheated on in a previous relationship and had little faith in men. I suspect an added issue was that she's never had platonic male friends, whereas I have.

I’ve just read this whole thread (procrastination at its best) and am firmly of the opinion there was a hell of a lot more going on behind the scenes in their marriage and/or this was a handy tool to hoof him out of the house at the time.
I’m terribly sorry for your loss OP, it breaks my heart thinking of how hard it must be for you to have lost your lovely husband. It makes it all the worse how she spoke to you, and the assumptions she seemed to make.
Personally my DH doesn’t have any friends who are women, just the way life has gone, but I have a lot of friends who are men. In fact, this weekend just gone I went out for the day with four men I used to work with. All but one have wives, clearly I’m the biggest tart on the thread being serious now tho, there’s only one of those guys I wouldn’t probably do anything just me and him with and that’s because his wife has serious trust issues (his fault!) and it’s a shame tbh.
From your friends perspective, at least he doesn’t have to deal with being with someone so untrusting and aggressive anymore, and his ex is now with someone who presumably she does trust and is happy with 🤷🏼‍♀️ all’s well that ends well!

I have a lot of male friends. Best friends. If my husband went batshit at this I would be very disappointed

@FourTeaFallOut

You know, I'm not sure I'd be so cool with the amount of emotional intimacy you both share or the fact your children call him uncle. I wonder if the impromptu cinema trip is a more tangible way for her to see how the three of you fit together and how it makes her feel?

Bit they have emotional intimacy because their line family because they've known each other their entire memorable lives , which also explains the uncle boot. If a guy was close to good sister would it also set off alarm bells? Uncle isn't code for list of men mommy is lining up o shag

@Bibijayne

I think the issue would be the lack of communication before he booked tickets. He didn't consider his wife. Cinema is a date activity, but it's also a mate activity.

What did he need to consider exactly? Given what op said, it's clear the wife wouldn't have wanted to go. She was at work. Kids at school. They work opposite shifts so often have free time alone.

I wouldn't have an issue with husband going to the cinema with a female friend. I am not a major film fan whereas he is, so it would be great for him to actually be able to discuss a film with someone who has an interest in it! I have been to see films with a good male friend in the past, it's not a strictly couples thing at all.

I think it should be ok to go to the cinema with your friend but I think what has upset his wife is that it was only mentioned afterwards.

He couldn’t tell her before hand because she’s doesn’t have access to her phone during her work hours. It really wasn’t some huge conspiracy. I was in town that morning for an appointment, he was in town because he had to go to the bank. He text me, “hey, endgame comes out today. Do you want to go and see if there’s any seats left for the 12 showing?”
And that was that.

"My husband wants to hang out with his recently bereaved friend"
"No this isn't appropriate"

Batshit.

Of course it's fine, OP. I hope you're okay.

(Side note: this reminds me of when Mike Pence announced - and rightly got mocked - for saying he never eats food alone with anyone other than his wife. WEIRD.)

I never said it was. I just think the DH plays such an important role in the op's life and to her children and it would bug me and I wouldn't like it. You can complain that that might not be fair and whatnot but that's entirely a sidenote to how I would feel.

It's neither here nor there because this isn't my DH. We both have friends of both sexes but we are each others best friend and reserve a level of emotional intimacy for each other that doesn't extend outside the relationship. Different strokes, and all that.

*This is interesting, because to me the perpetual anxiety about infidelity is a potential red flag for low standards.

If you think the only thing stopping your partner from cheating on lack of opportunity, he’s not a good partner. If you think you have to control his friendships and ban innocuous activities like cinema trips to keep him faithful, it’s a sign that you know or believe he can’t be trusted and therefore needs to be kept on a tight leash.

I think that if you have high enough standards that you only become romantically involved with men that you trust, you don’t need to control their behaviour because you know they won’t cheat the moment you take your eye off them.

I also think the attitude is, sadly, misguided. Men who are going to cheat will find a way. You can’t stop infidelity by banning friendships with women or not letting your partner socialise without you. Whether or not a man cheats is completely outwith your control.

And once again, this very patriarchal view of relationships leaves no space for lesbians, gay men or bisexuals. Not one person has come up with an answer to the question of how the partners of bisexuals or same sex partners cope with them having friends of the same gender. I expect it’s because everyone knows ‘trust’ is the only response, and if they admit that LGBT relationships depend on trust they would have to accept that trust can and should be an essential feature of heterosexual relationships too.*

Perfectly put, Duchess.

I can't think of a public activity I couldn't do with a male friend.

I wonder if those who view these things as dates live quite quiet lives where they only go to the cinema or meals out as a treat so the rate treat is special, a date

@SleepingStandingUp dogging?

It is very sad to suggest that men and women can't simply be friends...

I have a really good married male friend and now and then we often go out for lunch, dinner or out in the evenings including to clubs or cinema. His partner knows we have been close friends for years and often joins us in our outing, and she understand I see him as something of a brother...No partner of his has anything to fear from me.

I would also not react well if my partner tried to tell me which friend I could see or not see and what I am 'allowed' to do with them. If you trust the person, you should be mature enough to understand that friendship is a really precious thing in life and that socialising only with your spouse can make things a bit claustrophobic.

@FourTeaFallOut

I never said it was. I just think the DH plays such an important role in the op's life and to her children and it would bug me and I wouldn't like it. You can complain that that might not be fair and whatnot but that's entirely a sidenote to how I would feel.

It's neither here nor there because this isn't my DH. We both have friends of both sexes but we are each others best friend and reserve a level of emotional intimacy for each other that doesn't extend outside the relationship. Different strokes, and all that.

So what if this was the ops cousin? I mean given how long they've known each other etc, it soundsl Ike that level of bond. Would it still be inappropriate? Could they be best friends then? What if he was a she and the best friend was in a gay relationship, so all females?

[quote JizzPigeon22]@SleepingStandingUp dogging? [/quote]
Don't own a car but yes, I will definitely say no to my male friend is he suggests it 😂😂😂

Op you did absolutely nothing wrong with the cinema trip and you should never speak to this woman again given how she spoke to you. Im so sorry for your loss.

It is very clear that they had major problems in their marriage and you got caught in the crossfire.

Frankly I'm more surprised at your friend who said you were in the wrong. She is not emotionally entangled so that seems very strange. What is her situation? Is she attached?

Having said all that I don't know how I would feel but my DH doesn't really have female friends. If he went to the cinema it would be with a new friend. We haven't crossed that bridge yet. I suspect I might be wary.

I have two long standing friends who are married. Friend A has plenty of female friends. He definitely never fancied me and vice versa. We could do anything alone and his wife would have no problem with it.

Friend B is less sociable, has less friends in general and went through a brief period of fancying me after some drunken kissing in college before he met his wife. I only see them as a couple now, never him alone.

I think both women are well within their rights.

This is a different situation again but I have my own female friend who persistently tried to arrange meetings with my DH for them to do their hobby alone. I wouldn't have it. She only met him through me when we started dating and they both have plenty of other people around to hobby with. I told her straight off I wouldn't like it, I didn't see the need and she told me that was silly and continued to invite him places with her. Then I really didn't like it! So now he actively avoids her or lift sharing even if they are going to the same place. The irony is now we are very established I would be fine with the two of them training together except that she seems to be purposely pushing my boundaries.

So while I think you were in the right, I don't think there is a one size fits all for these situations.

No, to all the above. It would grind on me if my dh was the major emotional lifelong linchpin in someone else's life.

I’m sorry your dh has died but I wouldn’t be happy with this at all. Go by yourself to watch the films, or find another friend who isn’t married.

Also it's Endgame not 50 Shades. Surely op is only staring at Thor!

It would grind on me if my dh was the major emotional lifelong linchpin in someone else's life.

Where does it say he was? Attending festivals with someone, being like an uncle to their children, attending their wedding, being a friendly ear when their partner dies... these are all really normal things for friends to do and I'd tell my OH to get lost if he told me I was lessening our relationship by doing any of those things with a friend, of any gender.

Actually, I think I may be over stating that. But I think it's true to say that is at least somewhat the case.