Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

This whole thread is a strong case of: the straights are at it again.

🙌🏻

@Wavescrashingonthebeach

Thanks - that's really kind of you.

I'm not sure if I'll ever have another relationship (I don't definitively want to rule it out) but the last 7 years have been so hard, managing 3 small children, trying to hold down a challenging job, no family locally & ex eternally a prick. BUT in the last few months, I feel a shift, counselling beginning to help me, kids now older, finally cutting contact with ex as much as possible ...

But I miss having friends; I do have some, quite a few 'old' friends who live elsewhere but I realised they just don't get what dealing with an abusive relationship is like, and a 'wall' of sorts comes between us.

It's why MN, while virtual, is such a lifesaver! Many here whose stories resonate.

But recently I feel more at peace with that & feel I might be able to find new friends, maybe other women in my situation.

It is not just the cinema. There are home visits etc. Maybe the wife has a reason to feel uncomfortable.
We are hearing only one side of the story here.

@EarringsandLipstick what age did are your children and what age did it get easier? I was pregnant when my husband died (he died very suddenly) so have a 5 year old, 3 year old a 10 month old. They’re very good well behaved kids but my god I’m frazzled!

i thinik it sounds like she was projecting her own guilt-why is a cinema trip inapporpiate-i hardly ever go with my husband he doesnt like the cinema

she move din with a male friend-so that was ok then was it

sorry for your loss op

OP, I'm sorry for your loss, and for the unwarranted behaviour of your friend's wife. You did nothing wrong.

I couldn't give a hoot if DP sees his female friends one on one. He went out had dinner alone with a female friend when our baby was four months old – if ever a time was ripe for an affair, when the newborn novelty cuteness has worn off but the sleep is still a nightmare and your leaky-titted girlfriend goes to bed at 7pm! – and I struggle to see why I should care/worry/think of it differently from him going out with a male friend. There are things he enjoys doing that I actively abhor – live gigs, horror films, eating cheese – and I'd rather he did them with any of his friends, even the apparently rabid, man-thieving single female ones, than make me suffer through them.

Some of the cat's bum mouth responses on this thread are really sad.

@Emmmie

It is not just the cinema. There are home visits etc. Maybe the wife has a reason to feel uncomfortable. We are hearing only one side of the story here.

So you shouldn't go to your close friends home anymore?

They have been friends since the age of 3 for goodness sake

People are very suspicious of me as someone who chooses to be long term single. Seriously I'm not trying to steal your Derek, with his beer gut, who doesn't know how the washing machine works.

Well, yes, exactly. Part of this paranoia seems to be about the assumption that you've married someone irresistible.

I mean, I'm not single, and I have a couple of happily married male friends that I see films and go out for meals with, with no one accidentally tearing anyone's clothes off. Because it's very possible to have a supportive, longterm friendship with someone of whom you are genuinely fond, and also to recognise that they would be an appalling person to be married to. I would be extremely surprised, and rather amused, if either of these men's wives regarded their spouses as a plum prize to be snatched.

@SleepingStandingUp This friendship isn’t being inclusive of everybody. Going when his wife is a work and kids are at school seems strange. Why not arrange it in advance so everybody is invited along. Like I already said, I wouldn’t go to the cinema with someone else’s husband just the two of us. Terrible situation for OP losing her husband but I can’t help feel sorry for his wife in this arrangement.

Like I already said, I wouldn’t go to the cinema with someone else’s husband just the two of us.

Why, Artandlove? Genuinely. Would you go to the cinema with someone else's wife, just the two of you? Do you feel there's an inherent sexual intent between married men and women that aren't their wife?

Ok,

A: she hates the cinema and would not have come.
B: if we went when she wasn’t at work, she would have been at home with the kids which is worse
C: not every trip HAS to be inclusive! HE is my friend, not her!

I think if you're okay with home visits then it's a bit strange to suddenly not he okay with the cinema.

Surely if something were going to happen, it would be at home?

@JizzPigeon22

Oh they are so small 😢 I can't imagine how you have coped, and expecting when your husband died ... 💔 I'm so sorry. You have been through so much.

(All the more reason for your friends wife to feel utterly ashamed of herself 😡)

Mine were 2,4,6, and I was 37, when my marriage ended. He had put me through utter hell for years, especially during my pregnancy with my youngest & thereafter. I was probably inches away from a nervous breakdown when he finally left.

The job contract I had at the time ended & the next few years were brutal as I tried to get work, find childcare & just not crack up.

My ex continued to torment me, emotionally, all the gaslighting etc (I didn't even know what it was, found that out from MN!). Although he'd been awful to me, he actually never sat down & said he wanted to leave. Technically eventually threw him out after he spectacularly humiliated us both publicly but he left...and I spent at least a year, asking 'what happened'.

The really worst thing was I live in an area that is so homogeneous in make-up it's mad - almost everyone is a professional, married w 3 kids. People just hadn't a clue, and said the stupidest, most insensitive things.

I felt like I'd gone back to 1950s, people acted so strangely to me. Some people close to me literally never mentioned it to me!

I've a great family but my siblings just didn't get it at all. That was hard.

Back to your question - my kids have all just turned 13, 11, 9. It's busy but easier. I have a good full-time permanent job. Counselling has helped. I'm only processing divorce now (I'm in Ireland, and at the time I separated, you'd to wait 4 years anyway to divorce. Changed now)

My situation is so different to yours. You must be in the throes of grief, loving & missing your DH & trying to be there for your little children. I'm so glad you have your friend, and the female friend got mention. You need that, at least, and if you've some opportunities to go out, to the cinema or anywhere!, that's great. Anything to help you.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with such nastiness at such a difficult time. X

Also, Artandlove, OP has already said that the friend's wife isn't interested in going to see the Avengers. So that's presumably why she wasn't invited.

Also, surely you don't have to involve your entire family every time you hang out with your friends - do you never get a glass of wine with a friend just the two of you? Go for a coffee? Or do your friends' spouses and children get invited every time?

[quote Artandlove]@SleepingStandingUp This friendship isn’t being inclusive of everybody. Going when his wife is a work and kids are at school seems strange. Why not arrange it in advance so everybody is invited along. Like I already said, I wouldn’t go to the cinema with someone else’s husband just the two of us. Terrible situation for OP losing her husband but I can’t help feel sorry for his wife in this arrangement.[/quote]
What do you do when everyone is busy? Do you sit at home and wait for partner to return from work and kids from school (if you have some)?

Thankyou @EarringsandLipstick I’m glad things are better for you now. I’m 26, so perhaps a generational difference but all my friends have been very supportive, friends ex is the only one who was weird about it. I grew up with 6 brothers so quite a lot of my close friends are male and none of their partners are jealous or suspicious of their female friends. Like wise, none of my female friends partners are jealous of them going out with male friends. And we do call them dates! My husband would ask what I had done that day, I’d say oh I’ve been on a lunch date with so and so.
This thread has been really eye opening and I feel very sorry for the posters who are in controlling and possessive relation ships and have a lack of trust in their marriages. It’s must be really draining and isolating to live like that.

I would not have an issue with DH going to the cinema with a female friend in the circumstances you describe.

Did he tell her he was going or did she find out after the event? If she found out after do you think she thought her DH was trying to hide it from her.

im so sorry for your loss, i dont feel your intentions were bad. but i do think to some degree your sticking your fingers in your ears and refusing to acknowledge how the wife may have felt, i mean you could have said to your married friend, staying here is inappropriate and will look bad but you didn't?

@mumto2teenagers

I would not have an issue with DH going to the cinema with a female friend in the circumstances you describe.

Did he tell her he was going or did she find out after the event? If she found out after do you think she thought her DH was trying to hide it from her.

It's been all covered on the thread few times. Spur of a moment, told wife later, no hiding

JBizz
The wife seems uncomfortable with the arrangement and this is causing serious marriage trouble. I would step aside and let them work it out. They are a family.

I could not live with myself if I caused someone's marriage to fall apart. If there is no trust in the marriage or if the marriage is already doomed, the couple could decide what to do. But I would not be THE reason for the break up.

If OP's friend's wife was posting her side of the story here, there would be so many LTB comments.

I was not the reason for the end of their fucking marriage, Jesus Christ. They split up 8 months later for entirely different reasons.

I wouldn't be angry about this incident but it's not exactly a wild guess to say it's probably the straw that broke the camel's back and she's never been comfortable with how much energy he puts into your friendship. She might not be being reasonable but I do think it's understandable as part of a wider picture.

@Emmmie

JBizz The wife seems uncomfortable with the arrangement and this is causing serious marriage trouble. I would step aside and let them work it out. They are a family.

I could not live with myself if I caused someone's marriage to fall apart. If there is no trust in the marriage or if the marriage is already doomed, the couple could decide what to do. But I would not be THE reason for the break up.

If OP's friend's wife was posting her side of the story here, there would be so many LTB comments.

The thing si, if you were friends since you were babies and your friendship was consistent, you always did x and y, but only difference would be you would be suddenly widowed, you wouldn't be the cause of their marriage break up. The cause would be a misogynistic paranoid spouse who has a problem because you are now unwillingly single and who thinks that it's ok to control lifelong friendship for no reason other than their own insecurities.

Also, rtft

JizzPigeon I was replying to someone else so my post was not about you specifically. I was speaking in general terms, more what I would or wouldn't do if I was in a similar situation.