Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

This thread is a depressing insight into how society and women in particular view women who aren't coupled up.
OP has known this man since she was 3. So not only does she lose the love of her life, she's expected to distance herself from her oldest friend too?

People are very suspicious of me as someone who chooses to be long term single. Seriously I'm not trying to steal your Derek, with his beer gut, who doesn't know how the washing machine works. I stay single because I want to avoid men like him.

Once upon a time I'd have been fine with it, I'm not the jealous kind. But on discovering my husband had had numerous dalliances behind my back no, I wouldn't put up with that again.

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

This is interesting, because to me the perpetual anxiety about infidelity is a potential red flag for low standards.

If you think the only thing stopping your partner from cheating on lack of opportunity, he’s not a good partner. If you think you have to control his friendships and ban innocuous activities like cinema trips to keep him faithful, it’s a sign that you know or believe he can’t be trusted and therefore needs to be kept on a tight leash.

I think that if you have high enough standards that you only become romantically involved with men that you trust, you don’t need to control their behaviour because you know they won’t cheat the moment you take your eye off them.

I also think the attitude is, sadly, misguided. Men who are going to cheat will find a way. You can’t stop infidelity by banning friendships with women or not letting your partner socialise without you. Whether or not a man cheats is completely outwith your control.

And once again, this very patriarchal view of relationships leaves no space for lesbians,
gay men or bisexuals. Not one person has come up with an answer to the question of how the partners of bisexuals or same sex partners cope with them having friends of the same gender. I expect it’s because everyone knows ‘trust’ is the only response, and if they admit that LGBT relationships depend on trust they would have to accept that trust can and should be an essential feature of heterosexual relationships too.

@malificent7

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

That’s not strong boundaries and high standards. It’s the opposite. A relationship shouldn’t need “strong boundaries” - it indicates that you’re in a weak position, under threat and see enemies everywhere. And it shows low standards to be jealous of a widowed friend.

@babydisney

No too far especially seeing as you clearly aren't overly close with the wife, I'm sorry for your circumstances but back off and stop being their third wheel.

Would you accuse a married man's male best mate of being a third wheel?

Under these circumstances I would think its fine and no issues on face value but going by her reaction I presume there are other things going on for them as a couple. Maybe he does fancy you and she's picked up on it in the way he speaks about you? Or maybe he's lied to her about seeing you in the past?

You know, I'm not sure I'd be so cool with the amount of emotional intimacy you both share or the fact your children call him uncle. I wonder if the impromptu cinema trip is a more tangible way for her to see how the three of you fit together and how it makes her feel?

And where was she when you both took off to the cinema because if, and I am totally projecting here, she was at home trying to work from home and look after the increasingly bored kids - slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays - I'd be feral too.

@FourTeaFallOut

And where was she when you both took off to the cinema because if, and I am totally projecting here, she was at home trying to work from home and look after the increasingly bored kids - slap bang in the middle of the summer holidays - I'd be feral too.

Read the thread: she was at work.

@malificent7

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

This isn’t strong boundaries and high standards though. It’s treating your partner like property and ascribing low standards to single women. Would you feel the same about a male best friend? What about a gay/bisexual male friend?

OP, I think you did nothing wrong. Yes the cinema can be a place for dates, but so can restaurants, the beach, Costa, national trust sites....whatever, it’s about the context. You went to see a film with your friend, I think it’s fine and I wouldn’t have an issue with that. I would be pleased I didn’t have to watch something I didn’t want to see but my partner had not missed out because of that!

A slightly similar thing happened to me a few years ago. My married male mate (friends but not best friends, IYSWIM) invited me to the pictures. My sister went nuts, told me it was totally against the sisterhood and I shouldn't go. I was so taken aback, I didn't.

Some people have different lines in the sand I guess.

Oh yes, so it is, in the op, no less. I think I really just want to go to the cinema

It was awful that she rang you and shouted at you, especially as you had been so recently bereaved, but I do think there was something more going on at home than you realise.

It could have been that she was pissed off at him working all day then frequently not coming home to help her and see the kids, instead going to yours (a bit mean of her under the circumstances, but maybe she struggled with young kids and working etc, and needed him).

It could be that he often compared her to you unfavourably. Or that it made her realise how incompatible the two of them were.

It seems a bit weird that she hated going out, even with the kids to the beach, and now they live with him. Nothing wrong with that but it is unusual. Does she have mental health issues? Or was he controlling and actually making her feel unwelcome when he was going out with his friends?

No projection OP.

Sure there is nothing wrong with two friends going to the cinema.

But you are the one providing a back story in which the narrative suits you : the wife does not engage with you , socialise in the way his partner wants her to ,he is embarrassed by this . You see him and spend more time with him socially than she does .

You have no awareness that you are suffocating their relationship, you are not a friend to their relationship.

Then you are here several months later , when she has moved on in her relationship, wanting to know if going to the cinema is wrong with a friend if the opposite sex.

There is nothing wrong with going to the cinema with a friend but in your case, this was the straw that broke the camels back .

If you don’t think it is appropriate to go to the cinema alone with a male friend, what would be appropriate? Coffee? A drink? A shopping trip? Help with DIY? Or no solo contact whatsoever?

If someone is going to have an affair, they will find a way to do so, regardless of what bans you put on contact with the opposite sex.

Hold on neon the Ex wife clearly wasn't suffocated by the relationship when the OPs DH was alive as quite happy to hang out (alone) with him but gets suffocated in the three months between his death and cinema?

I wouldn't have a problem with it, I've actively encouraged my dh to go to the cinema with my friend as they both love scary slasher movies and I can't stand them. Id they'd gone together to see something I wanted to see I would be upset, and I probably wouldn't be impressed if it was arranged without any knowledge from myself iyswim.

I wouldn't be bothered about any of those things in the absence of the fact that my dh had become such an important part of another family's life.

@MrsSchadenfreude

If you don’t think it is appropriate to go to the cinema alone with a male friend, what would be appropriate? Coffee? A drink? A shopping trip? Help with DIY? Or no solo contact whatsoever?

If someone is going to have an affair, they will find a way to do so, regardless of what bans you put on contact with the opposite sex.

According to a poster upthread "all recreational activity" was inappropriate in answer to this question!

I have a male friend who loves the cinema. My partner doesn't. So me and friend go to the cinema together. His girlfriend doesn't mind, my partner doesn't mind. But I suppose it perhaps depends on the situation.

I would end a relationship before a lifetime friendship if my partner indicated that I couldn’t see my friend

You know, I'm not sure I'd be so cool with the amount of emotional intimacy you both share or the fact your children call him uncle.

I know this is different in Britain, but I had more uncles and aunts than my parents had siblings. They had close friends from before they met and some they met after. Because they met up often we just called them aunt and uncle. We had lots of bbqs, met up for big celebrations, when it was my parent's birthdays they came to the gathering etc. I also called my best friends mum and dad aunt and uncle and she called mine that. It's just easy for the kid, I guess?

Since OP and him knew each other since they were 3 and he was also a good mate of her DH, both of these points are imho something many here are missing, it's feasible that kids call him uncle.

My sister went nuts, told me it was totally against the sisterhood and I shouldn't go.

Funny how the "sisterhood" usually appears when women are being told what they can't do and they should be good girls for the other women, isn't it...

Once again neon you’ve failed to read what’s in front of you. I’m not engaging with you any further.

This thread has been really helpful in gaining some perspective that I hadn’t been able to imagine before. I’m not dwelling on it, it just came up yesterday and it made me think.

And just because my friend has a penis, doesn’t automatically make him the controlling one.

Children calling their parents’ friends uncle X or auntie Y is completely normal. I did it as a child in the ‘70s and still refer to them like that now. My parents did it with their parents’ friends in their time too.