Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

I couldn't care less if my husband goes out with female friends. He nad one of his female work friends are off out for tea this weekend. I am invited but not going she is lovely but she is going through a work trauma that i can't relate too. They are friends his workplace is mostly women , I can't even spend my time feeling jealous it doesn't bother me.

DP went to the cinema with one of my friends while I was at work.

I was relieved. He watched that awful horror film and I didn’t have to. Everyone wins.

You did nothing wrong.

I think the issue would be the lack of communication before he booked tickets. He didn't consider his wife. Cinema is a date activity, but it's also a mate activity.

The scenario you describe is more specific than most people are responding to though. You had not long lost your husband and so presumably still grieving. It's not unheard of for people who are grieving to cling on inappropriately to whatever lifelines there might be. So in the circumstance, if I were your friends wife I would have chatted to him about making sure that he found ways to be a supportive friend but not accidentally find himself replacing your husband in day to day activities. It was wrong of her to get angry at you and to respond the way she did but I think it is acceptable to be aware of the added complexity of a male female relationship when something as earth shattering as the loss of a spouse is involved.

YANBU
What I'm not OK with, is people treating their partners like property.
If she was that worried, she could have come as a chaperone, whether she likes superhero movies or not.

But maybe the problem here was that her husband did not communicate about his plans properly, e.g. just assumed she wouldn't be interested, so didn't let her know, and she found out accidentally or was told at the last minute? Much more suspicious/problematic, but not OP's fault.
And maybe the husband didn't do that precisely because his wife is jealous, insecure and possessive, and he knew she'd react that way. Self-defeating, but again, not OP's fault.

In short: YANBU OP, but maybe YABU friend, and/or YABU wife

Bibijayne

I think the issue would be the lack of communication before he booked tickets. He didn't consider his wife. Cinema is a date activity, but it's also a mate activity.

Tickets weren't booked though (as OP has stated numerous times). Two friends decided spontaneously to go to the cinema, the wife was at work and there was no way to contact her as she wasn't allowed her phone.

You went to the cinema in the middle of the day with your lifelong friend. How can there be anything wrong with this?

Presumably there are a lot of people out there who don't have platonic friendships with people of the opposite sex? That's their problem, not yours.

It's not your responsibility to keep their marriage tight, the cinema trip obviously brought out her insecurities, which seems even worse when you consider your recent bereavement! YA definitely NBU.

she is insecure . Which I could understand if you recently met her dh. But not after you knowing him for years and years and you guys were nothing but friends. She overreacted massively

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

I disagree with the poster who said it is not your responsibility to keep the marriage tight. A true friend would respect the marriage and give a couple space.

@malificent7

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

She didn't sit on his face, she sat next to him and watched a film about superheroes

You obviously don't trust your partner either

@malificent7

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

So the recently widowed woman had low standards?

@malificent7

I wouldn't like this and i wouldn't do this to another woman. I have strong boundaries though and high standards.

So you’re saying someone who goes to the movies with a friend of the opposite sex (who they’ve known since they were 3) has low standards and weak boundaries?

Gosh. And that’s leaving aside the fact the OP is recently widowed.

She dosn't feel secure in the marriage...it might be all her fault but imo it takes too.
As a long term friend i would prob be ok with it ( still wouldnt do it myself) but why isn't he working to help her feel more secure?

I think the wife was being a little harsh, but tbh I would be miffed that he would go to the cinema without me. In my own relationship if either of us wants to see something the other one would still go with them to see it. So had I been your friends wife it would be the 3 of us to go.

Its the emotional closeness that would bother me...anyone can have sex but for me ....i want to do cinema with my dp...not male friends. We are all different though.

On reflection as you are lifeling friends it would be ok and the wife has overreacted but do tell the wife in the future and call on many friends to help you through this difficult time.

I wouldn't like it, but I find my partner's female friend very needy and unpleasant, so that certainly colours my judgement. Luckily she lives very far away.

Throwing him out and yelling at you is massively overreacting, but I wouldn't be happy about it.

I have a Male friend, we are close and hes not an ex. He actually introduced me and DH. Of course I'll still see him. DH has some female friends too, hes known them since school. Of course he shouldn't cut them off.
However I think it would be a big strange if myself or DH suddenly made a friend of the opposite sex and went to the cinema. I guess it would feel like a date. However an old friend, or if I had met them, then that's totally different.

No it's just not on. You should back off.

@Spinakker

No it's just not on. You should back off.

Why isn’t it ‘on’?

Why should the OP ‘back off’ from any friendship that is purely platonic? A friendship she’s had since she was 3?

I meet a male friend for swanky dinners pretty regularly. Known him since I was 15 (am now late 40’s). He’s been with his partner for over 20 years. She hates socialising and never comes. We’ve managed to not shag each other over the starters.

Back off from what @Spinakker - the couple in question have split up a while back

I think his wife has picked up on something from him. It's not nconceivable he has developed feelings for you and she's finding your friendship intolerable. You clearly had a marriage based on trust which is why I think your struggling to deal with her reaction. I'm not defending her but there is something there. Reactions like that are not just because of a cinema trip. She's clearly struggling with the whole situation.

I wouldn't have a problem with it personally. If you've been friends since you were 3 then you've always been in each others lives. Friends help each other and his wife should be more understanding. Its her being insecure that's the problem. I'm very sorry about your DH

The cinema trip is a red herring. I wouldn't like it and that is because my relationship broke down because of a situation like this. I too can't think of anyone I know who would be ok with this. Wel done to all the posters who have married paragons of virtue.