Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 06/08/2020 01:17

I haven't read the full thread (it's 19 pages front and back lol)
Sorry to hear about your husband Flowers and sounds needlessly nasty what she said about you needing to get a man Angry Sad
I'm female, married, but have long standing male friends of over 20 years and we still go out for drinks if we're in the area together, I leave the husband at home lol
Realllllly doesn't mean anything else, just catching up! In a pub. Or in a cinema, same thing,
Can see from other side night not be able to see as much though

TheSunIsStillShining · 06/08/2020 01:17

My husband has a female friend from high school. He sees her whenever he is back in original country. And he always sees her without me. Because she is his friend, not mine. They might have even gone to a cinema. I wouldn't care less. Just because he is my partner, he has a right to have friends and do whatever the hell he likes with them. to a certain point, but cinema is nowhere near that point....

quantumdog · 06/08/2020 01:18

Nope, wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My best friend is male and he doesn't have an issue with that either, particularly because, like you, our friendship existed way way before I met my partner. I don't really understand why some people would have an issue with this. Men and women can have perfectly platonic relationships, and if someone's the cheating kind, the fastest way to push them to it is to be controlling and possessive.

Userzzz · 06/08/2020 01:19

@myfavouritefudgecake
Because I don't think it's appropriate, because it's disrespectful to his wife. I would not be going on a solo date with a man out of respect for my husband.
Cue the " you must be insecure, jealous, etc etc etc", sorry, that's how I feel. I have witnessed relationships like this and it did not end well.

Heartofglass12345 · 06/08/2020 01:22

No way you've been friends since you were 3! I go to the cinema with my female friend while my kids are at school, it's the middle of the day it's not like he's taking you out on a date and wining and dining you. I can't bear jealous partners!

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 06/08/2020 01:23

Because I don't think it's appropriate, because it's disrespectful to his wife. I would not be going on a solo date with a man out of respect for my husband

What do you class as a "date" though? I'd go out solo for drinks in a pub with a male friend even though I've been married for years, doesn't mean anything

FrodosRing · 06/08/2020 01:28

[quote Userzzz]@myfavouritefudgecake
Because I don't think it's appropriate, because it's disrespectful to his wife. I would not be going on a solo date with a man out of respect for my husband.
Cue the " you must be insecure, jealous, etc etc etc", sorry, that's how I feel. I have witnessed relationships like this and it did not end well.[/quote]
"A date" is one thing, two friends meeting up is another.
People of opposite sexes can be just friends. It doesn't have to be a "date".

rainkeepsfallingdown · 06/08/2020 01:29

She sounds unhinged.

Pre-Covid, I wouldn't think twice to go to the cinema with a good male friend of mine. Like the OP, I have several where we have a sibling type relationship.

For such an extreme reaction, I'd suggest the friend's wife has been cheated on before and has serious issues.

Userzzz · 06/08/2020 01:30

@LemonadeAndDaisyChains
Any recreational activity would classify as a date.
I would go for a coffee during work hours with a male colleague, wouldn't go for solo drinks after work..
To each their own, if you are fine with it, that's good for you, everyone's relationship is different.

Mothership4two · 06/08/2020 01:57

It's not something that would bother me at all. DH has been to sporting events alone with female friends. Cannot see how it is disrespectful to the other partner to go to the cinema with a friend of the opposite sex (unless it's clandestine and it is an actual date). Yes I would consider someone who overreacted like this insecure in their relationship.

notangelinajolie · 06/08/2020 02:02

Ignoring all the PPs and replying to the OP.
Hell no.

babydisney · 06/08/2020 02:12

No too far especially seeing as you clearly aren't overly close with the wife, I'm sorry for your circumstances but back off and stop being their third wheel.

SleightOfMind · 06/08/2020 02:19

I’d be fine with this under the circs described in the OP - would probably actively encourage DH to be supportive to a long-standing friend suffering such a cruel bereavement.

If I did start to feel uneasy, I’d be having a firm talk with him, not shouting at people on the phone.
Don’t let this worry you any further, unless you do have feelings for your friend and she picked up on something that’s still troubling you.

Mothership4two · 06/08/2020 02:41

Seems to be a lot of projection going on in this thread Smile

The fact the wife kicked him out over it and they are no longer together is pretty overwhelming evidence that she was feeling insecure maybe realising relationship was going South. I actually think her behaviour was crass and unpleasant towards a recently bereaved person

user1493423934 · 06/08/2020 03:04

Hmm. Sorry i haven't RTFT (20 pages!)
But, how does he treat her? does he take her out, spend time with her? or does he treat her as an unpaid nanny and never bother doing anything fun? A friend had an issue with her asshole ex - he had a female friend he used to do things like this with and not bother with her at all. She likened it to the friend getting all of the 'cream' at the top of the bottle while she barely got milk - ie the friend got her husband at his best and had good times while she was stuck at home with the children and housework. That was what bothered her, not the fact that he was spending time with her. He refused to change anything whining she was stopping him 'having fun!'
Hence the reason he is now her ex!

eveningfalls · 06/08/2020 03:12

so OP you are asking about this months afterwards. There are only 4 reasons

  1. guilt or
  2. reliving the emotional high it gave you or
  3. Just an insecure person

He should not discuss his wife's thoughts with you, but that does not make you special, that makes you the middleman, the inconsequential person. It is obvious from your posts that you like the power play (and that does not have to be sexual, just a used idiot)

eveningfalls · 06/08/2020 03:15

4.the movie was good (0.00001 likelihood)

babydisney · 06/08/2020 03:24

@mothership4two stop stalking me on posts. Each relationship is different and it isnt down to third parties to opinionated boundaries.

blosstree · 06/08/2020 03:45

I don't think I would have a problem with this, due to the depth of friendship.

I have a few close male friends who I would have no problem going to the cinema with. My OH wouldn't mind either. Similarly for him, he has a few female friends who he has been good friends with for years where I wouldn't see the issue if he did stuff with them either.

I trust him completely. I think given that you've all known each other for years and have clearly been very close it's a bit odd that she reacted that way. Perhaps there was a deeper reason for her sudden insecurity?

I do get the impression sometimes on mumsnet that quite a few female posters don't have deep friendships with males and can't understand that you can be very close platonically.

CheetasOnFajitas · 06/08/2020 03:56

So sorry for your loss. That phone call from the wife was unforgivable.

Mothership4two · 06/08/2020 04:29

@babydisney

DO hope that is a joke as we just happen to be on 2 threads. And if it isn't get over yourself

Third parties can give their opinion if they want to, especially as the OP asked for it

Floofboopsnootandbork · 06/08/2020 05:02

Jesus, why are there so many grown women on here acting like they’re in teenage relationships?

Op yanbu and you did nothing wrong. I can’t understand why she’d have such an issue with it but is fine with him spending time at your house, surely if you was cheating you’d get more done at home than in the cinema Grin

garlictwist · 06/08/2020 05:10

What a ridiculous thing. I go to the cinema with my male friend all the time. We both have partners who don't care. It's just that - watching a film. Not shagging. Ludicrous.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 06/08/2020 05:22

@eveningfalls that post is just plain nasty and very stupid. The reason for posting is in the very OP. Not sure how I enjoy power play by having a friend but ok.

OP posts:
SquigglePigs · 06/08/2020 05:54

I don't have a problem with it. My DH went to the cinema with a female friend at my suggestion because it was a film they wanted to see and I didn't. More fun than going on your own. But then I go out for dinner with a male friend without DH sometimes and he's fine with that too.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.