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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
Keha · 05/08/2020 23:57

I have an old school friend (who is male and single) and every 6 months or so I meet up with him for lunch out or sometimes an after work meal, not cinema as we want to catch up and gossip about what everyone from school is up to. No issue for my husband. Perhaps the difference was I was doing this before I met my husband and just carried on.

Horsemad · 05/08/2020 23:59

OP, are the kids with him or their mother?

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 06/08/2020 00:00

We were also doing this before he met his wife. My friend was the one who actually introduced me to my husband.

OP posts:
Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 06/08/2020 00:00

Kids are with him.

OP posts:
JBizz · 06/08/2020 00:01

@Artandlove

I wouldn’t go to the cinema with another woman’s husband. Can see why it causes problems.
Would you go with another mans wife (aka a friend)?
JBizz · 06/08/2020 00:04

@ispepsiokay

I don't think it matters if other wives/people on the internet would or wouldn't have an issue with it. She's his wife and she did have a problem with it, he should always put her feelings first.
No you shouldn't always put your partners feelings first

Not when they are irrational and controlling

Emmmie · 06/08/2020 00:05

If spending time with my (male) best friend caused any upset to his wife/OH, I would never do it.

JBizz · 06/08/2020 00:05

[quote Plmoknijb123]@JBizz ahh I didn’t know that[/quote]
It's in the original post..:

Notfeelinggreattoday · 06/08/2020 00:09

I sometimes meet my male ex work
Colleague for dinner we worked together for nearly 10 years so are friends , my husband has no issue with it , and If i wanted to
Go to the cinema to watch a film he didn't like he wouldn't mind either as he trusts me
There is no attraction between me and my friend , he is simply a friend like my female friends are and we get on and its nice to have a catch up
Etc

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/08/2020 00:11

I dont think that YABU but to some people a cinema trip is a definite "date night" event. She is obviously one of them.

I hate going to the pictures. Why would I pay to watch a film with other people I dont know, all their eating noises, selfish phone use, missing bits if I need a pee.....and all for more than it would cost to wait three months and buy the DVD?! So when ex wanted to go, I didnt care who he went with as long as it wasnt me! However, I think my sister would feel the same as his wife, that it is a couples thing.

Her being pissed off I can understand, if thats how she feels about certain activities, but the stuff she said about your husband is what puts her firmly into "Bitch" territory.

FWIW, I had the same accusations levelled at me because I didnt STOP going to a weekly poker league in my local pub after I kicked the ex out for being very violent and trying to strangle me. Apparently it was ok when we were together, but when we seperated I was only going because I was desperate to bag a particular man. Go figure....

Caplin · 06/08/2020 00:11

I would go to the cinema with a male friend, and I wouldn’t/don’t give a monkey’s if my DH goes out with another woman.

Gunkle1 · 06/08/2020 00:14

I can't see an issue in this unless I wanted to do the thing with my partner but he chose to do with a friend, but that would be any friend regardless of gender.

As someone in a same sex relationship with a partner who identifies as bisexual, my partner would not be able to have any friends if I was unhappy with it. He has went out for dinner, drinks, cinema, weekends away with friends of both gender and various sexuality and I have never batted an eyelid and vice versa.

We both work different shifts so one of us will be off when the other is at work, and may want to do something with our days off so we see who is available to do something with.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/08/2020 00:15

@Emmmie

If spending time with my (male) best friend caused any upset to his wife/OH, I would never do it.
If me spending time with my friend caused any you to my DH I'd think our marriage was in serious trouble
Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 06/08/2020 00:16

I’ve never been with a woman (I met my husband at 15), but I am attracted to them and that may be a possibility in the future. I hope I can still have friends if either gender!

OP posts:
Shamoo · 06/08/2020 00:19

I’m always amazed by the number of people who effectively ban their partners from having friends who are of the opposite sex. It’s completely bizarre. Do they really trust their partners so much that they think they couldn’t keep their dicks in their pants around any female. What a depressing way to live.

In left wondering what their views are of gay people and friendships. Should a lesbian be allowed no female friends once in a relationship?

MiniMum97 · 06/08/2020 00:27

@JizzPigeon22

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run. She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage. I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

I think it's fine. I trust my husband. He has female friends that I am happy he sees. If I didn't trust him then I would need to end the relationship, not stop him seeing his friends, as that would be pointless.
dodgeballchamp · 06/08/2020 00:28

If spending time with a male friend caused their female partner problems, I’d gently question if he felt he was in an unhealthy relationship.

If I (a woman) had a male partner who had problems with me hanging out with male friends, I know who I’d get rid of - and it wouldn’t be my friends.

TinkersTailor · 06/08/2020 00:39

I can't believe some of the replies on here Shock a lot of people holding on to very negative emotions and projecting them onto someone who only went to the cinema with a friend.

OP, my mistake. I read bought as booked.
After reading all your updates, no I wouldn't have had an issue at all.

I have very close male friends who I might meet in the pub for a drink or to watch a film. Exactly the same as my female friends.

My ex (not the reason we split) had female friends that he'd do things with too.
I wasn't prepared to tell him 'no you can't go out with her' when they'd been friends for longer than we'd be in a relationship.

It's not about being a 'cool wife' either (what the hell is that?) It's about understand that men and women can be friends on a platonic level, to think otherwise is an incredibly dated viewpoint.

Krazynights34 · 06/08/2020 00:41

Jesus Christ. You hardly went down on him!
I’d tell your friend straight up never to call me and treat me like shit.
How dare she? You DH died (I’m so sorry) and therefore you are going to have to try it on with her DH.
FFS like there aren’t a million men out there. And of course the obvious flirtation tactic is go to the cinema together 🙄🙄🙄🙄. It’s hardly like he introduced you to swinging.

Pixxie7 · 06/08/2020 01:02

I wouldn’t personally have a problem with it but I can understand why someone would. It probably have been handled better. Perhaps asking her if she wanted to come or if she minded.

user1471549213 · 06/08/2020 01:04

Personally I am fine with this. My DH has some female friends he has known since he was a kid. They have gone for drinks/cinema/to gigs together. If they wanted to be together they would have been far before we ever got together.

I am secure enough in our relationship and marriage to know that nothing romantic would happen and have no problem with this. In the same way that he would have no problem with me meeting up with an old friend this way.

user1470132907 · 06/08/2020 01:09

Assuming she and he had a social life and couple time together they were both still happy with, then no.

If she felt that your time together was eating increasingly into theirs and complaints were falling on deaf ears, or he was doing with you she would like to do with him but he wouldn’t with her, then I could see why she would blow up.

I don’t have time for women who assume any single woman is after their husband! But husbands need to be clear on their priorities.

1forAll74 · 06/08/2020 01:10

It's fine to have done this, I really don't see a problem here. There seems to be so many insecure women these days, who have very small mindsets.

Userzzz · 06/08/2020 01:10

Sorry, it's not appropriate of you two to have gone alone.

myfavouritefudgecake · 06/08/2020 01:11

@Userzzz but why not? Genuinely perplexed

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