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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:35

@Purplepie78

I have a male friend who I’ve been out with alone for the evening to the theatre and for drinks. My husband doesn’t mind. We trust each other.
Is the theatre comparable to the cinema? Is it less likely to result in fumbling gropes in the back row?
famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:36

@slashlover

It's not about being a 'hussy', it's about being respectful to your partner. If they're uncomfortable with close friendships with the opposite sex then you should ensure that how you conduct your platonic opposite sex friendships doesn't impact your relationship.

So people should be allowed to control their partner's friendships? Even if they've been friends since the age of 3? And the friend is recently widowed?

Not control, compromise. And the OP's bereavement obviously creates a more specific scenario and as I said up thread, the wife should be more sensitive to the OP's loss. But when you're a partnership you compromise. You still have your friendships but if it makes a partner uncomfortable you absolutely need to agree some ground rules in order to prevent an escalation like this onem
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:37

But he had no reason to think she would be uncomfortable, as she had never had an issue before.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:37

And the ground rules should include no public aces together? It was a cinema trip, not a weekend away or a drink overnight crashing on the sofa or coming home to find op trying on the wife's knickers.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 23:39

[quote JizzPigeon22]@neonjumper what is your problem? If you read my op you’ll see that this came up in convo today with two very different views and I wanted to get some more viewpoints on it.[/quote]
If you wanted to discuss the ins and outs of whether it's okay for a non romantically involved couple to go to the cinema, you could have done so .

But you have made nothing but disparaging remarks about the partner.

Why all the unnecessary detail ... other than to persuade and influence people's take on the original question .

You seem overly invested in the fact that the wife has moved on.

anonacatchat · 05/08/2020 23:40

Christ on a bike some of you are crazy .

Men and women CAN be friends . Get a grip . Of course it's fine

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:40

[quote TheAquaticDuchess]@famousforwrongreason ❤️ I think it’s so easy to get trampled down into believing that people treat you badly because you somehow ask for it but it’s not true. Nobody asks to be treated badly. I hope you find peace and fulfilment in the future.[/quote]
Thank you lovely, me too. I'm amazed at how much of an impact a shit childhood can keep having, nearly fifty years on!

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:41

I really don’t Grin

I’m not being disparaging I’m just stating facts. People asked why she never came out with us and I explained why. I’ve not said anything negative about her. Which I’m actually well within my right to considering the things she said to me on the phone.

OP posts:
slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:42

Erm maybe , did you manage to not have coffee on the sex table? I mean sex on the coffee table. Gah it's so complicated. I'm assuming the 12 hours I spent in the city that involved ice cream, sign seeing and a lovely Thai meal is on cos there was no coffee OR cinema. Did get drink though. Avoided getting his penis near my vagina

No sex was had, I did hug her though so no doubt that means I have no respect for her relationship.

Depends what you did with the ice cream and what sights you were seeing tbh.

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:43

@SleepingStandingUp

And the ground rules should include no public aces together? It was a cinema trip, not a weekend away or a drink overnight crashing on the sofa or coming home to find op trying on the wife's knickers.
Lol re the knickers. I don't know what the ground rules should be, it's not my relationship. And I have now rtft and see the couple have moved on from this now.
riotlady · 05/08/2020 23:43

Totally fine, DP’s best friend is a girl so they’ve been out drinking together etc. Wouldn’t mind him staying at her house either but there’s never been occasion for it

blubberyboo · 05/08/2020 23:44

I think it depends
If you are his friend solely and not also her friend I can see how she could be insecure about it. Is he keeping his friendship with you very separate from her? Is she ever included
Worse if he isn’t telling her about his plans with you
Likewise if he spends a lot of time doing things with you but never takes her on a date it could alter her perception of your friendship, that he is treating you more special than her
Maybe that particular week he had let her down badly about something and she saw red

riotlady · 05/08/2020 23:44

*woman, I should say, she’s 26!

Viviennemary · 05/08/2020 23:47

It is sad you lost your husband. But no you should not be going on cinema dates with a married man.

QualityFeet · 05/08/2020 23:47

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Two of dh’s very best friends are women and two of mine are blokes. We all get in too but the first friendships are the strongest. If the only thing stopping cheating is the opportunity then it’s a shit relationship with an unimaginative partner!

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:48

I do wonder if I had posted about my female friend, who’s husband had screamed at me down the phone, posters would be asking wether she takes him out on dates, asks his permission to be with her friends and makes him feel excluded because he chooses to isolate himself away.

I reckon I’d be getting very different responses!

OP posts:
neonjumper · 05/08/2020 23:48

@JizzPigeon22

I really don’t Grin

I’m not being disparaging I’m just stating facts. People asked why she never came out with us and I explained why. I’ve not said anything negative about her. Which I’m actually well within my right to considering the things she said to me on the phone.

They're not facts , they are judgements you have made based on what your friend has told you and your own dislike of her possibly because she she knows you were not a friend to their relationship.
starfishmummy · 05/08/2020 23:49

@SleepingStandingUp at the cinema I go to the sears are pretty well spaced so fumbling wouldnt be easy!

Andnif I wanted to fumble with someones husband (which I don't) we would probably have nkt gone to the cinema!

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:50

I think your projecting your own insecurities neon jumper.

The wife had no issue previously with our friendship. She had often spent days with my husband when he hD taken the kids over.

OP posts:
Emmelina · 05/08/2020 23:50

I wouldn’t have a problem, though I think I’d like to know about it before it happened. It sounds a little sneaky going in the day while the wife is at work and kids out of the way at school!

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/08/2020 23:51

@neonjumper you are reading a lot into the OP's posts, yet seem to have difficulty just reading what shes written.

Artandlove · 05/08/2020 23:52

I wouldn’t go to the cinema with another woman’s husband. Can see why it causes problems.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:52

@slashlover

Erm maybe , did you manage to not have coffee on the sex table? I mean sex on the coffee table. Gah it's so complicated. I'm assuming the 12 hours I spent in the city that involved ice cream, sign seeing and a lovely Thai meal is on cos there was no coffee OR cinema. Did get drink though. Avoided getting his penis near my vagina

No sex was had, I did hug her though so no doubt that means I have no respect for her relationship.

Depends what you did with the ice cream and what sights you were seeing tbh.

Just ew He's like a cousin. And not losing cousins 😂😂
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:52

@Artandlove

I wouldn’t go to the cinema with another woman’s husband. Can see why it causes problems.
Why does it?
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:56

@Viviennemary

It is sad you lost your husband. But no you should not be going on cinema dates with a married man.
It wasn't a date. If she'd gone with the wife would it have been a date??
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