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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:
slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:21

What I mean to say is I can empathise with a woman who is jealous because her husband is seemingly getting very close with another woman. And doing individual activities etc indicates closeness. Obviously not always, but its not far fetched.

Getting very close? OP says she has known this man since they were both 3 years old, her kids call him Uncle and they have previously been on holidays together.

Paddy1234 · 05/08/2020 23:21

So she's already with a new partner .......

Sorry but could it have been orchestrated to put the blame on him when she may have been seeing someone else already and needed a way out?

Witchcraftandhokum · 05/08/2020 23:21

I feel very sorry for the insecure women on here, it must be exhausting. And I pity their husbands.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 23:22

@JizzPigeon22

No he’s not with me. I’m still very much in love with my husband. He has his own place now with his kids and is doing great. She’s with a new partner and I assume is happy.
If everyone has moved on why post ?
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2020 23:22

I didn't mean you personally. In general. 🙄

Ah I see, confusing. Must have been all the "you", "your" and "yourselves" in the post that led me to believe that was aimed at me. Also the fact you were replying to one of my posts. Silly me 🙄

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:23

@Paddy1234 I don’t think so. They stayed together for another 8 or so months after the cinema incident. I think if someone else was involved she would have left then.

OP posts:
Plmoknijb123 · 05/08/2020 23:23

@JBizz ahh I didn’t know that

slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:23

Not sure if that's a reply to me but if you're going to continue this friendship I meant to the house when she's there. Normalise your relationship instead of keeping it separate from her. In my experience, I was extra paranoid and filling in the gaps with my imagination is because my ex kept me away from his most very best special and important and beautiful friends (his actual words) with whom he had a recent sexual past.
Had I met them and seen him with them it might have been different but I think he did it on purpose

RTFT! I don't know why MN put in the option to view the OPs posts as people don't bother. The friend and his wife split a while ago and she is in a new relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:23

He could have done cafe, invited her or invited you to their house. So cinema - can't be trusted. Alone on a house with beds and sofas, totally ok. And they can't do cafes, I do them with DH, it's like date. Stop doing inappropriate coffee dates with men you hussy

WouldBeGood · 05/08/2020 23:25

I think YABU and that the relationship you have with your friend is not conducive to him having a relationship with someone else.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:25

@neonjumper what is your problem? If you read my op you’ll see that this came up in convo today with two very different views and I wanted to get some more viewpoints on it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:25

@neonjumper
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:26

@TheAquaticDuchess

I know exactly what you mean. I've never been with an honest man. I don't know if sometimes I cause the dishonesty by being untrusting or if I just keep making shitty choices because I'm subconsciously mirroring my upbringing and projecting my feeling of low self worth

It is NOT your fault if someone cheats on you - you aren’t the cause of that behaviour Flowers

@TheAquaticDuchess I wrote a long reply but accidentally lost it. Suffice it to say, thank you for your lovely words. It made me cry, which makes me realise I still have a lot of work to do on myself and my self worth.
ispepsiokay · 05/08/2020 23:27

I don't think it matters if other wives/people on the internet would or wouldn't have an issue with it. She's his wife and she did have a problem with it, he should always put her feelings first.

chubbyhotchoc · 05/08/2020 23:27

I would not be ok with it at all

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:29

@SleepingStandingUp

He could have done cafe, invited her or invited you to their house. So cinema - can't be trusted. Alone on a house with beds and sofas, totally ok. And they can't do cafes, I do them with DH, it's like date. Stop doing inappropriate coffee dates with men you hussy
It's not about being a 'hussy', it's about being respectful to your partner. If they're uncomfortable with close friendships with the opposite sex then you should ensure that how you conduct your platonic opposite sex friendships doesn't impact your relationship.
slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:29

Stop doing inappropriate coffee dates with men you hussy

Shit! I went for a coffee with one of my female friends, can I expect an angry phone call from her girlfriend? But I'm asexual so does that reverse the hussiness? I'm confused.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:32

he should always put her feelings first. So he should bend to her every whim? And when she's uncomfortable with him having name friend or working outside the home or seeing family, he should still put her first? And if the make female role were reversed?

@famousforwrongreason the hussy comment was at the suggestion of going to coffee shops with men, it's so inappropriate and intimate. And wasn't actually serious. Does anyone actually use hussy seriously any more?

slashlover · 05/08/2020 23:32

It's not about being a 'hussy', it's about being respectful to your partner. If they're uncomfortable with close friendships with the opposite sex then you should ensure that how you conduct your platonic opposite sex friendships doesn't impact your relationship.

So people should be allowed to control their partner's friendships? Even if they've been friends since the age of 3? And the friend is recently widowed?

famousforwrongreason · 05/08/2020 23:32

@JizzPigeon22

Regarding plans with her, she never came out with us. She was always invited, and my friend was often embarrassed being the only one at a meal full of couples on his own. She never wanted to do anything him. She didn’t like the beach, she didn’t like walks, she didn’t like restaurants. Invites were always declined and he would miss a lot of events to stay home with her but he still needed to have a social life too.
Jeez, just working my way through the post. No wonder she's insecure if they have no shared interests. Maybe this split will allow them both to fund someone more suitable or she might try and get involved with a few more things
SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 23:33

@slashlover

Stop doing inappropriate coffee dates with men you hussy

Shit! I went for a coffee with one of my female friends, can I expect an angry phone call from her girlfriend? But I'm asexual so does that reverse the hussiness? I'm confused.

Erm maybe , did you manage to not have coffee on the sex table? I mean sex on the coffee table. Gah it's so complicated. I'm assuming the 12 hours I spent in the city that involved ice cream, sign seeing and a lovely Thai meal is on cos there was no coffee OR cinema. Did get drink though. Avoided getting his penis near my vagina
Purplepie78 · 05/08/2020 23:34

I have a male friend who I’ve been out with alone for the evening to the theatre and for drinks. My husband doesn’t mind. We trust each other.

Original poster
JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 23:34

We did obviously ask her too what she wanted to do, but she genuinely never wanted to do anything. She’s never even taken the kids on a day out.

OP posts:
TheAquaticDuchess · 05/08/2020 23:35

@famousforwrongreason ❤️ I think it’s so easy to get trampled down into believing that people treat you badly because you somehow ask for it but it’s not true. Nobody asks to be treated badly. I hope you find peace and fulfilment in the future.

Thewheelsfelloffthebus · 05/08/2020 23:35

Honestly OP it’s a long while ago and they’re no longer together. It’s not worth lingering on

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