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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

1000 replies

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 20:38

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 22:42

[quote JizzPigeon22]@Timekeeper2 so what are they allowed to do?[/quote]
Wave at each other from safe distance of over the road for exactly 5 seconds. 10 seconds is way too much and suggests an affair😁

Echobelly · 05/08/2020 22:42

I'd have no problem with DH going with a female friend to a film I wouldn't want to see or any other activity I wouldn't want to do. I'd be a bit put out if it was something I'd want to see/do, but more about not including me than going with a woman. DH and I both have friends of opposite sex.

neonjumper · 05/08/2020 22:43

I personally think that is rather a lot.
If my husband popped over after work to see you on a regular basis when we have young children at home , I would not be impressed .
I think you are being very disrespectful of her. You are spending huge amounts of time with her husband. He gets to spend nice times with you doing nice things whilst she is at work and the children are at school/nurseries.
I think he sounds rather horrible and overly invested in your'frienship' rather than his own relationship.
You are not a cheerleader to their relationship in fact you are part of the problem.
The icing on the cake is that he has come straight to yours and you have taken him in. If you were a real friend and concerned about the turn of events in his relationship breakdown , a real friend would say that in order for him to save his relationship he is better off going elsewhere .

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/08/2020 22:43

I've snogged a lot of people. In a lot of places. But never a cinema. If I'm at the pictures it's to watch a film. I'm a bit at the posters who have a problem with their DP going to the flicks with a woman. Surely if there was anything untoward going on they'd go to a cheap hotel. It's nearly the same price.

Thesnacklady · 05/08/2020 22:43

@JizzPigeon22

I feel like this one is a bit hard to judge without knowing the full context of the situation.

So you guys have known each other since you were kids, so are a bit like family? That id really be ok with.

While There may be no issue in your friendship there are things to consider like

How much time he is spending with you vs his family?
How does his time away from his home impact on his responsibilities at home?
And it’s clear there are some differences in interests in his relationship with his wife which could be a cause of tension.
From what you have said she doesn’t sound particularly nice - but has she always been this way?
If all of it boils down to him finding an out from family life and leaving his wife with the majority of the responsibilities at home then it’s not ok.

If you guys are only seeing each other occasionally then it’s fine.

Timekeeper2 · 05/08/2020 22:44

I don't see how it's considered controlling for a man to police his wife's friendships and be moody over them, but when it comes to a woman doing the same thing we're expected to give her a pat on the back and tell her that it's totally reasonable.

There is no evidence according to the OP that the wife was policing him or controlling him. On the contrary! It appears his wife never tried to stop him or control him before.

Going to the movies was the one thing that crossed the boundary. You all are acting like she never allowed him to spend time with the OP. When it appears she had NO PROBLEM with him and the OP being friends. It is just them going to the movies that was a problem. That's all!

Hoggleludo · 05/08/2020 22:44

@Oldbutstillgotit

In real life I cannot think of one woman I know who would be ok with this . I know that MN is ( supposedly) full of “ cool wives “ but my mind simply boggles at the idea you think your friend’s wife is in the wrong here . I am really sorry you lost your husband however I think you have overstepped a boundary . I now await a flaming.......

What?

There are plenty of women who feel secure in themselves and their relationships.

It’s so sad you don’t know any.

I couldn’t imagine living my life. Having kids with someone I didn’t fully trust. My husband is the man who protects me. I have to trust him. He’s our children’s father. I have to trust him. He’s my husband.....

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dontmesswiththeGC · 05/08/2020 22:45

Any relationship where this would be a problem is not the type of relationship I would ever want to find myself in. How sad not to be able to go to the cinema with a lifelong friend. To say going to the cinema is an intimate act is completely bonkers, you literally sit there in silence next to and surrounded by strangers.
To all the widows, I had no idea it was a common issue that other women perceive you in that way. How shitty for you

PurpleDaisies · 05/08/2020 22:45

@Timekeeper2

Some people just don't seem to get that having a female friend is ok, but actually going to the movies with them is an entirely different thing. Being ok with your husband having a female friend but not ok with them going to the movies together does not make the wife a controlling woman.

So her picking and choosing which activities are acceptable doesn’t make her controlling?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2020 22:45

having a female friend is ok, but actually going to the movies with them is an entirely different thing it's a cinema not a swingers club. Seriously,what do you all DO in there?? I mean Thor getse hot too but I can manage control myself

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/08/2020 22:47

@JBizz indeed.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 05/08/2020 22:48

@Oldbutstillgotit

@ FudgeBrownie2019 I am not being snide but a PP had suggested that anyone who didn’t agree with their DH having a close friendship with a single woman was distrustful of their DH and I was making the point that I trust mine and I am sure he trusts me but I believe there should be boundaries . It’s my opinion , I don’t expect everyone to agree with me !

The insinuation I read into your post is that those who do "cross those lines" don't respect one another. And that's simply not the case - other people just have different lines.

I agree - everyone does what they think is best for their marriage and everyone has to find their own way. I wouldn't try to suggest another couple has no respect for one another because they behave differently than I do in mine, because all I can talk authoritatively on is my own marriage. Likewise, you're the expert on yours. I think it's a very sensitive subject precisely because marriage and trust mean so much to us.

GlamGiraffe · 05/08/2020 22:48

My husband goes to the cinema with a female friend in the evenings (or did pre lockdown). They both absolutely love films, I cant bear them.i have absolutley no problem at all with it. I do not own him and respect that he is married to me and just watching films with her. I dont think it's fair to keep my husband in a leash or make him answerable for everything. I think it's reasonable in a marriage for both partners to be able to go out separately with friends of either sex platonically.

Original poster

JizzPigeon22 · 05/08/2020 22:48

I think you are being very disrespectful of her. You are spending huge amounts of time with her husband. He gets to spend nice times with you doing nice things whilst she is at work and the children are at school/nurseries

So he’s just supposed to sit at home awaiting her return? Why would he do that? They worked opposing shifts but they still spent plenty of time together. It’s not his fault she didn’t want to cone out and do anything.

OP posts:

Thewheelsfelloffthebus · 05/08/2020 22:49

I think it so depends on your previous relationship with this man. If dh suddenly went to the cinema with any woman it would be odd (but we’ve literally never done the before).

Plmoknijb123 · 05/08/2020 22:49

I think it’s weird, I wouldn’t like it. Not because I think anything sexual would happen, just because that’s something that a couple does. If it was in a group it would be different, but a movie with just two people is usually something you do on a date etc

TheAquaticDuchess · 05/08/2020 22:49

How do you know this?

Because I have known him for a very long time, and in all that time he has never even once behaved in a way which gives rise to doubt about his faithfulness and devotion to me. He has never let me down, never given me the faintest impression that I am not the most important thing to him, never prioritised anything or anyone over me. I know the bones of him, I know his values and his character by heart. Unfaithfulness is not a feature of his person.

There are practical considerations to support this, if I needed them. Pre-Covid, we travelled to and from work together every day. Now we spend literally all our time together and are never apart, because of lockdown / Covid restrictions. He never worked late or had to spend nights away for his job. He is completely unpossessive about his phone and sometimes asks me to check his texts or email for information if he’s in the middle of something. He is the least secretive person in the world, and has an explicit physical tell whenever he is ‘lying’ - by which I mean, telling an exaggerated story or joking about a surprise present, because he has never told me an actual lie once in our whole relationship. I truly don’t think he could.

It is possible to know a person and to know they wouldn’t be unfaithful. It must be awful not to have that certainty and security.

Katjolo · 05/08/2020 22:50

No. Not at all.

JBizz · 05/08/2020 22:50

@Plmoknijb123

But I thought the cinema was only something couples do, so how do groups manage to attend

Better call the police as I go to the cinema...alone... with my father how disgusting of me

JorisBonson · 05/08/2020 22:51

Admittedly haven't RTFT, but I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. I would be fine with it.

Womencanlift · 05/08/2020 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JorisBonson · 05/08/2020 22:52

I go to the cinema with make friends quite regularly, if that helps.

JorisBonson · 05/08/2020 22:52

*MALE

I don't make up friends

ArriettyJones · 05/08/2020 22:53

Doesn’t she know you?

Old friends are completely different from brand new friends. I would never have an issue with DH’s old friends and I don’t expect him to object to mine. However, if she’s somehow never met you, that might seem different.

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